


Recently Played

by nea1891



Category: Stranger Things (TV 2016)
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Bisexual Steve Harrington, College, Developing Relationship, Drugs, F/M, Homophobic Language, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Sexual Content, Slow Burn, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-21
Updated: 2019-07-09
Packaged: 2019-10-13 16:46:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 47,878
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17491601
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nea1891/pseuds/nea1891
Summary: Then, out of the corner of his eye, he saw him. Wearing just a leather jacket and a white button up, buttoned up only to his navel. Sunglasses on top of his head; that curled hair falling into his deep blue eyes. The guy from earlier, the one in the Camaro. He was talking to Eddie and Rose, lighting a join between his plump red lips. Steve continued to bounce to the music, a smile creeping on his lips.Yeah, maybe it wouldn’t be so bad after all._______________________________________________________________So my last story...sort of died when I lost the creative spark for it. But this one, I have finished and will upload hopefully once a week. Modern-College AU because I really want to imagine Steve/Billy falling in love while doing all the stupid things college kids do.There will be a lot of music references, hence the title, and mostly because I love linking songs with moods and stories.





	1. Brave New World

_My baby loves me_

_I'm so angry_

_Angermakes me a modern girl_

_Took my money I couldn't buy nothin'_

_I'm sick of this Brave new world_

Steve woke up with a monster fucking headache. And not like his usual, blinding fucking down for the count and stuck in bed for two days type of headache; this was even worse. He was fucking hungover.

Steve NEVER got hungover, he had a system. One that he apparently got too drunk last night to remember to implement properly. He groaned and pressed the palms of his hands into his eyes, digging them deeper and deeper in a futile attempt to locate the source of the pounding in his head to snuff it out. He had no idea what time it was, but judging from the fact that his mother had yet to barge into his room to wake him up, it couldn’t be that late.

He slowly opened his eyes, landing his gaze on the collection of movie posters decorating the wall across from his bed. He began chewing his cheek, going back and forth on whether he wanted to bring them with. This was supposed to be a fresh start, so like maybe all of the stuff he likes could become the stuff he used to like, and also he didn’t really enjoy having to explain to people that came into his bedroom why _Rebel Without a Cause_ and _Best Years of Our Lives_ were films worthy of wall space, and like he doubted he would find someone at this new school that could appreciate the classics like he did. Unlike acid-wash denim and _Rosanne_ , films of old had yet to make any kind of cool comeback.

His phone started vibrating directly next to his head and he jumped in surprise. He was shocked it even still had battery, the way he had been Instagram stalking that hot guy at Nancy’s party last night. He DID remember that part of his evening, hunched over his phone in a dark corner occasionally lifting his head to give a courteous nod to Nancy who was in full hostess mode, flitting from guest to guest as if they cared what food she could make or what antique vase they shouldn’t touch in between downing shots and trading spit. The guy had been Johnathan’s roommate from NYU apparently; and Steve figured it wasn’t too big a leap to guess he was gay. But Steve had yet to really act on his attraction to guys, despite having numerous opportunities to do so, and he wasn’t even sure if he could still flirt and not be a total embarrassment so he kept mostly to himself. Tommy had tried to get him to do a keg stand for old time’s sake, but he wasn’t really feeling it. So how did he get so drunk? His phone would not stop vibrating, so he finally grabbed it and stared blearily at the screen waiting for his eyes to adjust so he could read the barrage of text messages he was receiving.

Nancy: _i can not believe u got so drunk last night Steve. R u alive? Johnathan said that u were rly fucked up when he dropped u off. and u owe me like at least $25 bucks or a new rug for the one u ruined in the bathroom_

Fuck. Yeah, ok so he did do the keg stand. And maybe vomited a little on the floor in a half assed attempt to hit the toilet. And maybe tried to smooth talk…Jeremy? Jared? He couldn’t remember, but he was sure it wasn’t good what with his slurred speech and breathe reeking of beer, and maybe whisky? He suddenly had a vague memory of Tommy shoving a bottle his way.

“STEVEN!” his mother’s screeches pulled him away from the events of last night to the present, where surprise, his head was still fucking pounding. Today would be a long day.

__________________________________________________________

He had hoped to see Nancy and Johnathan before they headed back to NY but he knew that they were probably half way there by now. Nancy may know how to throw one hell of a party, but also she knew when she had important things to do, and Steve was sure she had had the house completely spotless by 6 am this morning.

He supposed he would see them over Spring Break, but part of him was actually ok with the fact that he didn’t get to formally say goodbye. He had been doing ok without them around, and then having them around for two whole weeks had made him realize how he was actually doing fucking great without them. He still loved Nancy, he supposed he always would. But it had been two fucking years and he needed to get over it. He also supposed that he wasn’t so much jealous of her and Johnathan as he was annoyed that they were a constant reminder of how painfully single he was, and how easy it was for someone to just…cheat on him…or pretend to love him or whatever. He was over it; he wanted Nancy in his life. Just not, all of the time.

His dad didn’t even go to the bus station. Just gave a half-assed wave from behind his desk while also on the phone and Steve honestly had expected less than that so he supposed it was a win. His mother gave him a quick kiss on the cheek as he left the car and a ‘text me when you get off the bus’, not even a ‘when you get there’, just so formal and the underlying ‘just make sure you tell me you are still alive’ quite evident.

Steve didn’t care; not really. He gave his luggage to the bus driver and found a seat near the back of the bus, slamming into it and turning the volume up on his Spotify playlist. Maybe he was being a little over-dramatic about this entire thing, if his music choices were anything to go by, but he just decided to put Modern Girl on repeat, close his eyes, and pretend he was going anywhere but where he was going.

_______________________________________________________________________________

Steve got into town around midnight. The lady who managed the apartment complex told him that she had left his key under a rock in front of the door, and while that skeeved Steve out a little he figured it fit what with how sketchy the whole place he was going to live was anyway. His parents had told him that he could live anywhere he wanted, but he was already having a hard enough time taking their money for rent so he had found the cheapest off-campus housing available. From the street the housing complex looked…well his mother had used the phrase ‘white trash’, but Steve preferred to say the place had character. It worked for him, a bed, a kitchen, a roommate to share utilities with. His parents only had to shell out a meager $300 a month and even though they had offered, Steve figured his parents couldn’t complain too much about that cost, and it was only like four blocks from campus, so it was a win-win.

His roommate wasn’t supposed to be there until the next day. Steve had only met her briefly, shortly after Halloween. They had met halfway between Indianapolis and Hawkins, grabbing lunch at a McDonalds. It was her idea, which Steve appreciated. Sometimes McDonalds is good, and he was happy his new roommate wasn’t like, a complete square or something. Robin seemed cool. She had short blonde hair and wore knit stockings and a purple sweater dress under a leather jacket. She had a rainbow pin stuck to her small backpack, Steve noted, so she was probably at least an ally and that made things a little easier.

Steve was never afraid to come out to anyone; he knew he was bi ever since he first laid eyes on Kevin Mackey in the fifth grade. But sometimes people were still assholes about it, and he was glad that his new roommate would at the least be neutral on the whole thing.

She had a ring on each finger, even the pinky, and spoke really quiet with her eyes cast at the table mostly. But the first thing she had done when Steve sat down was hand him a CD in a blank case, and he thought it was pretty bold. “I judge people on their taste in music, so here is mine. I mean, it’s impossible to condense one person into a twenty song CD, but like. Send me a list of what you like later or something.”

Steve had listened to the CD on the way home and it jumped from genre to genre so fast he got dizzy, but it was also really endearing in a way, and he found himself rocking out to both Reel Big Fish AND “I’ll Make a Man Out of You” from the Mulan soundtrack. This girl was strange, cool but strange.

He was surprised how nervous he had been compiling a list of tracks to send Robin. He knew he didn’t want to send twenty like she did; it was so hard to, like, put his whole sense of being into such a small amount of music. So instead he sent her some songs from his current Spotify playlist, figuring it would at least speak to who he was at the moment.

_Skeletons-Yeah Yeah Yeahs_

_Lua-Bright Eyes_

_Don’t Panic-Coldplay_

_Modern Girl-Sleater Kinney_

_I Wanted You-Twin Peaks_

After reading the list on her DMs Robin just replied with a ‘dope’. And that was that. A week ago she sent Steve a message telling him that she would be at the apartment the Sunday before classes, her dad was driving her, and she was really sorry but her dad INSISTED that he take Steve to dinner so she was really sorry to put that on him before they even really knew one another. Steve couldn’t really care less; he was cool with a free meal. He fell on the bed as soon as he got into the apartment, ignoring the fact that he didn’t have any food in the house, or even toilet paper. Oh well. _______________________________________________________

He woke up having to pee so fucking bad. And it jolted him into action for the day; the least he could do was make his room somewhat presentable before Robin and her dad got there. He took an Uber to the nearest Walmart, set on putting the credit card his dad had gave him to good use. The apartment was somewhat furnished, it had a couch and strangely a twin mattress in the living room, against the main picture window. Robin had told him that she had gotten a bigger bed between semesters and didn’t want to part with what she now dubbed the ‘fuck couch’.

“You know, for like when people stay over.” Steve had done his best to hide his smirk when she said that.

Robin also had most of the kitchen supplied, and towels and stuff she said Steve could borrow. The only thing her previous roommate had left in Steve’s room was a complete Harry Potter Hogwarts LEGO set because the guy couldn’t bear the thought of tearing it apart. Steve really didn’t like Harry Potter THAT much, but it was cool none the less.

He wandered Walmart for what felt like hours before finally deciding to grab a cart and start getting stuff. He filled it with toiletries he needed, hair spray, that conditioner that made his hair stand up in the way that was fucking hot, the really expensive toothpaste just to stick it to his dad. He wandered into the home goods section and grabbed a bath rug for Nancy, not that he would have any chance to give it to her anytime soon. It was just a simple black rug, and he wasn’t sure if it would go with Mrs. Wheeler’s bathroom décor, but like black went with everything, right?

He figured he should buy some DVDs, since his mom wouldn’t let him bring any of his with him. A ‘waste of space and time, Steven, really you need to focus on your studies not some stupid movies’. He got the basics of any collection first, _Casablanca, Some Like it Hot, Frankenstein_. Then figured, not that he would have anyone but maybe Robin, to show them to, some more modern films that he liked, like _Road Trip_ and _(500) Days of Summer_. He found that there was for some strange reason a sale on River Phoenix films so he threw each one into the cart, _Running on Empty, My Own Private Idaho, Stand by Me_. For $5 each it was a steal.

He grabbed a few other things he figured he’d need and a cheap Grateful Dead poster for his room, not that he even liked the Grateful Dead but that was a thing college kids had on the walls of their room, and he was supposed to be living his best university life or something so why not? He decided to browse the book section, turning he cart until what Steve could only describe as a gaggle of teenagers taking up the entire width of the aisle stopped him.

“You are NOT buying that book, Michael. Do you want people to think you’re an imbecile? I mean, you are, but like…keep up appearances.” A shorter one with curly hair and a baseball cap exclaimed, much to the annoyance of Steve’s poor eardrums. He was ripping one of those romance novels with the oiled up muscle guy on the cover from another boy’s hands.

“It’s not FOR me. It’s for El!” the tall, straggly one screamed.

“Are you lovers going to fight all night, or can we like GO? Billy will be so pissed if we’re late meeting him out front.” A red-haired girl added, her arms crossed and foot tapping angrily.

Suddenly a shorter one with brown hair looked up from the group of arguing kids to stare at Steve. “Hey…I know you.” He said. The group went silent and then all eyes were on Steve. Steve sighed, squinting as if that would make him recognize the kid better. Then it hit him, Johnathan’s brother…Will maybe? Great.

He turned his cart right around. He was not in the mood to shuffle through that prepubescent nightmare just to play nice with Johnathan’s kid brother, who Steve had maybe met twice in his entire life. He didn’t really need a book to put on his desk just so he could look like, not a total loser to anyone that came into his room. He didn’t read, and fresh start and yeah.

He checked out, hoping he wouldn’t run into Will and his merry band of obnoxious kids, sitting on a bench with more bags then his arms could hold waiting for the Uber back to his apartment. He sat, staring up at the cloudy sky, shivering slightly in the cold wind. Fuck, gloves. He should have bought gloves. Just because he was three hours from home didn’t mean he wasn’t still in Indiana in fucking January. The screeching of tires and a booming motor startled Steve from his thoughts and then there was a beat-up blue Camaro pulling up right in front of him. The car hadn’t even stopped completely before the guy behind the wheel was wailing on the horn. Steve turned his head to see Will and the other kids yelling and cussing and scrambling over one another from the entrance of the store. The red headed one flung open the front passenger seat, and stood staring at whoever was driving impatiently as her friends piled into the back.

“Why do you always have to be such a fucking dick?!” She screamed. Steve could kind of make out the guy she was yelling at, but not completely since the girl and the seat pushed forward blocked his view. But he was wearing sunglasses, which Steve thought was strange on such a dreary day, and he had blonde short hair, a curly cowlick of it falling down his forehead.

“Just my style, sweetheart.” He drawled out, barely waiting for the redhead to get settled into the seat before pulling out of the parking lot.

Steve wondered why Johnathan’s brother was at a Walmart in Indianapolis, getting rides from an older guy in a shitty Camaro that had to be at least, 15 years old if not older. The last time he had seen Will was when Steve was a junior in high-school, which means the kid had to be like 15, or 16 years old? Actually…that was a long time ago, so...maybe he was 18 now? Fuck. Did Will Byers go to the University of Indianapolis? Steve vaguely remembered Nancy saying something about it when Steve first mentioned he was transferring. But like anything that had to do with Johnathan, Steve tuned it out. Fuck, great. So much with his fresh start. At the same time though, it was a big campus and what, Will had to be a freshman? So like how often would Steve really run into him?

He couldn’t stop thinking about the guy with the sunglasses though, the whole ride back to his apartment. Something about the way ‘sweetheart’ fell off his lips made Steve shudder. Fuck, he needed to get laid. He had to stop falling in love with every single remotely attractive guy he saw.

_____________________________________________________________

He was blasting Arctic Monkeys and unpacking his clothes when he heard the apartment door slowly creak open. A short, bald man was holding like three too many boxes stacked on top of one another as he attempted to make his way through the entrance. Steve stopped his music and ran to grab the boxes. He set them on the small table in the ‘kitchen’ area to the immediate left of the door, the apartment was really only like 5 disc tint sections, kitchen, living room, bedrooms, bathroom, but more or less one large square box.

“Thanks kid.” The guy said. “You must be Steve, I’m Jack. Nice to meet you.” “Nice to meet you too sir.” Steve said, shaking Robin’s dads hand a little harsher then Steve usually did, but like first impressions and all. Robin came up behind her dad, blushing and tucking her hair behind her ear.

“Fuck dad, like don’t embarrass me.”

“I haven’t even said anything…yet.” Jack said.

Steve really never liked meeting parents, what with how little experience had had even with his own. He sort of wished that humans were like lions or something, like once their kids could feed themselves it was peace out. They ended up going to dinner at a local pizza shack, and Steve found the conversation to be pleasant enough. He really liked Robin, she was super cool. She had good taste in movies and music, and even told Steve that she wouldn’t like totally be opposed to watching _Catcher in the Rye_ or whatever, to which Steve had to remind her “that is an old book, not an old movie” and she waved it off with her hand, but she was smiling so Steve felt like they could be good friends. Her dad wasn’t that bad either, not intimidating like some fathers can be around their daughters. Steve made sure to make references how hot he thought Timothee Chalamet, to which Robin rolled her eyes and Jack clapped him on the shoulder, saying nothing but like, not being a dick about it. So that was cool.

Robin’s dad said his goodbyes once they made it back to the apartment, and told Steve to make sure Robin stayed out of trouble, but he winked so Steve didn’t feel that serious about it and just laughed quietly and waved goodbye as Robin walked her dad out.

As soon as Robin got back to the apartment she turned to Steve, pulled a baggie of weed out of her coat pocket and exclaimed “We are going to a party.”

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Steve had been impressed that Robin was just like…carrying a bag of weed around with her all night, and in front of her dad even. She told Steve that her dad didn’t really care, and that sometimes partook himself and as long as it didn’t like REEK, no one bothered you. Steve had smoked a bit here and there back at community college, but had never really found a reliable dealer in Hawkins. He was excited at the prospect of having access to pot all of the time, especially away from his parents. Robin apparently had quite the hookups at school, she told Steve she could get him anything he wanted.

Steve wasn’t so sure about going to a party the night before classes, but he figured that all of his lectures tomorrow, of which he had only two, would be introduction and syllabus stuff and he wouldn’t really need to pay that much attention. Besides his first class wasn’t until 10, so that wasn’t too bad. Robin said they were going to the swim house, since most of her friends were on the team.

She herself wasn’t a swimmer, she was on the Frisbee team to which Steve stopped as they were walking down Main St. to laugh and stutter “There is a FRISBEE team?”

Robin laughed and yanked him by the coat sleeve so they kept walking.

“It’s a sport, deal with it.”

The house they were going to wasn’t far from their apartment building. It was huge, though, square with big double framed entry doors and black shutters around the windows. A circle of trees filled the large front yard, and a dirt parking lot was next to the house. All of the lights were on in the house, and you could hear people hollering from at least two blocks away.

This would be Steve’s first REAL college party. Drinking beer in Tommy’s basement with the older, chicks from biology who had like three kids already, didn’t count. Steve was starting to think that his parents really didn’t understand how college worked and that their plan was going to backfire astronomically.

Robin seemed to know everyone that they passed as they walked through the entry way of the house and immediately up a flight of stairs. They made it to what Steve deduced was one of three apartments within the house to find it packed with kids his age, dancing and laughing and making out. Avicci played loudly in the background and strobe lights filled a room off to the right that seemed to be the only one with the main lights turned off. Robin grabbed his hand and dragged him into the kitchen. A large round table sat in the middle of the room, covered in liquor bottles and a few bongs. Several guys sat around the table, passing a joint and giggling to themselves. Robbin grabbed a spare chair and sat down, gesturing Steve to stand next to her.

“Guys, this is my new roommate Steve!” She said, pointing to the group around her, from left to right. “This is Rose, Mickey, Joe, Eddie and Haley. They’re on the swim team.” Everyone said hello at once and smiled wide, Steve immediately feeling at ease.

They shared the joint and Haley poured Steve a glass of some concoction “it’s Miki’s special recipe!” She exclaimed.

Steve gagged a little after the first sip, but soon it started to taste better.

“So when is your first meet this year? Have to make sure I cheer you on.” Robin said.

“This Friday, actually.’ Rose replied,' taking on Michigan. Should be easy. Eddie’s all excited because we finally have a new diver.”

“They only have three divers right now, the other two are freshman.” Robin whispered to Steve.

He nodded like he understood what that really meant, and why it mattered, since he didn’t really understand competitive swimming or diving.

“Just good that we have someone that ACTUALLY knows what they are doing. He’s from Columbia.”

“Columbia?” Steve asked. “Why would someone transfer from Columbia to…Indiana? No offense.” The group laughed.

“Dude that is what I said! Miki replied. “I don’t know, we only met him once last Friday at practice. Coach seems super excited, he apparently just keeps breaking his PRs. Like some kind of diving demon.”

Steve nodded along, telling himself he would have to google PR at a later time.

“He’s coming tonight, or supposed to. We invited him anyway.”

After the join was finished, the group began to split up to mingle with the hordes of people in the living room. Robin grabbed Steve and dragged him towards the dark room, immediately starting to dance to the techno music blasting from the Bluetooth speakers on the mantle in the living room. Steve wasn’t really one to dance in public. And he enjoyed the music, but had never really listened to it, not like this anyway. It took him a few more sips of his drink before he began to feel comfortable enough to sway to the music, but soon he felt alive, like he did back in highschool when he and Nancy would dance at parties at Jeanne’s house. Maybe this university thing wouldn’t be so bad.

Then, out of the corner of his eye, he saw him. Wearing just a leather jacket and a white button up, buttoned up only to his navel. Sunglasses on top of his head; that curled hair falling into his deep blue eyes. The guy from earlier, the one in the Camaro. He was talking to Eddie and Rose, lighting a join between his plump red lips. Steve continued to bounce to the music, a smile creeping on his lips.

Yeah, maybe it wouldn’t be so bad after all.


	2. I Never Needed You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So Billy had asked about him. About him, Steve Harrington, potential school dropout Steve. Hot, toned, competitive diving champ, Chemistry major Billy had asked about Steve. He could not keep the fucking smile off his face as they drove to the bar.   
> _____________________________________________________________________________________________
> 
> The smile left his face however shortly after Steve discovered that Billy was a grade A douche.

_And our days go by_

_And I never needed you_

_And our days go by_

_And I never needed you_

So ok, Steve didn’t actually get up the courage to really say anything to sunglasses guy, who he now knows is named Billy. Eddie introduced him to Robin and Steve after the party died down and a smaller group of them crammed into Miki’s bedroom to share a few more joints. Billy was pretty quiet, but still exuded confidence like a blinding ray of sunshine. Steve couldn’t handle it, and despite wanting to say something, anything to the guy, he mostly kept close to Robin.

But the guy would NOT stop winking at Rose, clearly charming her in ways that also charmed seemingly everyone else around him and Steve mentally scolded himself because, of course the guy is straight. The group doesn’t get much out of Billy, since he responds in mostly muffled “yes” or “no” replies. So they turn their attention to Steve, hoping he will provide something interesting about himself. Steve tells them about Hawkins, and Nancy and how his parents insisted he go to a “real” university. He left out the part where he may have failed last semester and the only reason he was here now is because his dad used to be in a frat with the University president.

He found himself lying about his major, claiming he was ‘undecided’ which got a few laughs seeing as how, well wasn’t Steve AT the least a junior? Around 1AM Billy stood up and downed the mostly full can of beer he had in his hand, clearing enjoying the stares his way. He finished it, using the back of his hand to wipe his mouth, and said in monotone, “Have to get going. Class at 8 and all.”

* * *

 

On the way home Robin was swaying to music in her head. She was twirling and skipping and Steve had to grab her by the waist a few times so she wouldn’t land in the road. “You like him don’t you?” She said once the apartment was in sight.

“Who?” Steve laughed.

“Billy. You would not stop with the googly eyes all night.”

“Me? You wouldn’t stop with the googly eyes. I’m pretty sure everyone had them. I won’t deny the guy is hot.”

“And mysterious. Eddie said the guy is super close to the vest, wouldn’t really say much about his old school. Apparently he’s a Chem major, though and those are always odd.”

“He’s a Chemistry major?!” Steve exclaimed and Robin giggled at the expression on his face.

“Apparently. And Columbia has a way better program than we do…obviously. So like maybe he flunked out or something. Or got kicked out. I bet he’s got a good right hook.” Robin said, clearly fantasizing about Billy’s strength.

“Yeah, he doesn’t seem like the studious type. I saw him earlier actually, at Walmart. He was picking up a younger girl, Freshman I think.”

“Oh…so he’s one of those guys. Gross.”

“I don’t know. I don’t think they were together, not the way they talked to one another. But who knows.”

“Well Romeo, maybe you have a shot after all.”

Robin wrapped her arm around Steve’s as they walked up the stairs to their apartment.

* * *

 

Steve was way too lazy to deal with 10 AM classes. Reason why he didn’t go to class much back home. But he realized that his father’s threats were a tad more intimidating now that he was here, god forbid Steve embarrass his dad by proving he was a waste case. Robin was already up and gone by the time Steve stumbled to the shower. He fixed his hair and put on a new sweater, a tight black one he got for Christmas. He looked pretty good. He cursed his parents again as he began the trek to campus in the blistering cold.

He had begged and pleaded for weeks to just let him take the BMW, but they had some bullshit logic that having a car would give Steve an excuse to “get into trouble”, like he couldn’t afford an Uber or take the bus. He figured they assumed he also wouldn’t make any friends that would give him rides, and while not having a car sucked he wasn’t going to let it stop him from living his life. Steve was already running late and even though he had taken a campus tour he was still confused about where he was, so when he finally got to the right lecture hall it was 9:59 and most of the seats were taken. Except, of course, right up front. He begrudgingly sat down, grabbing a blank notepad from his backpack. He started chewing on his pen nervously when he felt a tap on his shoulder. He turned around only to be greeted by a toothless grin.

It was that kid, the curly haired one from the day before. Steve turned back around facing the front of the hall. Of fucking course.

After class, which was THE most boring thing Steve had ever experienced, especially because the professor was like 90 and didn’t say anything except repeating the schedule of class assignments, Steve bolted for the door and headed down the stairs to the library. He had three hours to kill until his next class and figured finding someplace to relax and listen to music was a great idea. He found a bean bag chair in the corner of the historical fiction section, thinking that not many people would come up there, and put in his headphones.

 _Days_ by the Drums came up on his shuffle and a lump quickly formed in his throat. Steve felt real shitty, and started thinking about Nancy, and started thinking of that night when he finally knew he was bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. Feeling even shittier, he turned the volume up. God why did he torture himself like this?

_And I worked so hard_

_And I killed myself_

_And you broke my bones_

_And I sold my soul_

He DIDN’T love Nancy, not in the way he had. But it fucking sucked. He tried so hard to hold onto her, she was all he had in Hawkins. Talk about bullshit. He knew she was happier now, living her amazing life in amazing NYC, gallivanting with artists and intellects or whatever, people like Johnathan. People Steve would never live up to. Why would she care about someone like him, someone who literally couldn’t even finish college without help from his dad?

Steve closed his eyes, trying to think of anything other than what a loser he was, when he felt a tap on his foot. He opened his eyes and there was that fucking kid, staring at him with wide eyes under a blue and red cap, looking way too amused for his own good.

“Hey! I’m Dustin” the kid said, sticking his hand out for Steve to shake. Steve just stared at him until the kid slowly lowered it. “I think we’re in class together.”

“We are in class together, nimwad, I sat in front of you.”

“Nimwad? Who even says that?”

“I do. What do you want, I’m trying to sleep.”

“Well I figured, I don’t know. We could be study partners or something. Always good to have a friend in class, make it less boring. Especially when it’s math.”

“Listen kid, you really don’t want me helping you study.”

“I meant ME help YOU. I definitely don’t’ need the help, I graduated honors in two AP calculus classes. And I figured so, I mean aren’t you like a senior. Why are you in an Intro to Problem Solving Class?”

“If you’re so smart why are you in an Intro to Problem Solving class?”

“Because”, the kid said, moving like he was going to sit on the bean bag next to Steve before Steve gave him a look that said ‘don’t’ you fucking dare’, “it’s fucking easy. And I only need one math credit for my gen-eds. I’m a history major, so they really don’t care if I know basic algebra.”

“Well this is my fourth year of college, so I’ll be done soon. Think I’ll make it by without you.”

“Fourth year…but you aren’t a senior?”

“Listen, don’t you have any friends you can go bug or something?”

“Not really, they all have class. But hey, just trying to help a fellow Hawkins alum." Steve raised his eyebrows at that; this kid was from Hawkins? He strained his brain trying to place him, and all he could come up with was a vague recollection of a kid that maybe had the same obnoxious voice and hat hanging around the Byer's one time.

"Here’s my Insta, message me if you ever like…need help. Or want to hang or whatever.” The kid handed him a small piece of folded paper.

Steve grabbed it and opened it to see ‘dungeonmaster300’ in scribbled handwriting. He rolled his eyes. “Thanks, but no thanks little man. I’ll be fine.” Steve got up and walked away, hoping to find an even more secluded part of the library where nerdy little freshman couldn’t bother him.

Was Steve that obvious? Did he like, walk around with a sign on his back that read “I’M STUPID?’ It wasn’t even his fault that he sucked so hard at math and had to start at the beginning just for the credit. His fucking dad insisted that he major in accounting so he could take over his stupid office one day, and it didn’t matter what Steve liked or was good at. Not that he really knew what he liked or was good at, but still. But how hard could math really be? It was an intro class. This was his fresh start, he could do it. All he had to do was…like try and shit.

 

* * *

 

 

Turns out math is super fucking hard and even more stupid and the worst most useless concept in the universe. And it was only an intro class. Steve was going to just drop out now, move to Alaska or something and never talk to his parents again. This was a total fucking disaster. Steve had his first exam the next morning. It had been a week since the first day of classes, and he had successfully avoided ‘dungeonmanster300’ the past Monday, Wednesday and Friday. If he flunked this test, his dad would really have a cow. Steve would not be setting a good precedent. It’s not like he hadn’t tried; he didn’t even go out ONCE during the week when Robin had asked him too, and even skipped the first swim meet despite his aching desire to see Billy in a Speedo.

So like maybe he had asked Robin every time she went to the swim house if Billy had been there, but apparently he hadn’t so Steve felt a little better about not missing an opportunity to gawk. Steve had even surprised himself with how dedicated he had been to his classes. He actually read, couldn’t really tell you what any of it meant, but it was more than he had done at community college. And he had turned in two assignments so far, on time thank you very much; earning two C+ marks, which Robin reminded him isn’t failing. “Cs get degrees” she had said.

But math was a whole different story than his business classes. They sucked too, but Steve found himself strangely good at sales and marketing. After all it was just bullshitting, and he learned from the very best. He figured he could easily skate through those classes this semester. Fuck, though math was literally the only thing holding him back. He still would have at least two semesters left of school before he could graduate, and that is if he kept on track and passed every credit between now and then. If he failed this class, he wouldn’t be able to move on and his dad would really freak out and this was seriously his last chance. Steve stared at his math book, and then his jacket pocket, finally biting the bullet and pulling out the crinkled sheet of paper.

* * *

 

Dustin was much too excited to be helping Steve with his math crisis. He couldn’t tell if it was because Dustin got off on being so much smarter than Steve, or if he thought it was cool to hang out with an older kid. But either way, the little runt was a good tutor. Steve still didn’t quite feel as comfortable as he wanted, but Dustin kept reminding him it was simple logic. Word problems were easy, just like use common sense. And Steve could even use a calculator. Dustin quizzed Steve on 15 different problems, and Steve got one more than half right, so as long as he didn’t do worse than that he would at least pass. As much as he hated having to stoop down to this annoying kid’s level, Steve felt more confident about the test.

He treated Dustin to left-over mac and cheese and reruns of _Jackass_ on Robin’s TV (she was cool with Steve being in her room as long as he didn’t like touch anything). They had moved on to _Ru Pauls’ Drag Race_ when Robin and Miki arrived. Miki held up a six pack of beer and Dustin’s eyes lit up.

“No way little man, this isn’t that kind of tutor/student relationship.” Steve said, taking a can from Miki and cracking it open.

“Come on dude! I like saved your ass.”

“Yeah, and you’re like what 17?”

“18 and it’s not like I haven’t drank before.”

“Steve, who is this kid?” Robin asked, laughing over her own beer can.

“Dustin Henderson. I went to highschool with Steve.” He said, with a strange growl and a million watt smile.

“Not so fast dweeb, you were like in middle school when I was in highschool, so don’t sell yourself so highly.”

“Well Dustin, this is college and it seems like any guest of Steve should be mine, so here you go.” Robin handed Dustin a beer and winked at Steve who signed heavily.

“Whatever, if the kid gets wasted, he’s your responsibility.”

“Well he won’t have too much time to get trashed; we’re going to Trivia at McDoons. It’s like a Tuesday night tradition. You have to come!”

“Trivia! I am so good at trivia!” Dustin exclaimed.

“Sorry kiddo, even I can’t get you into the bars…unless you have a fake.” Dustin shook his head vigorously. Robin laughed again.

“Does the trivia winner get an automatic A on their next test?” Steve asked.

“Steve, seriously. You’ll be fine. Like go have fun or whatever. I’ll see you the next time you need me.” Dustin smiled at Robin and waved to Miki as he headed out the door.

“Oh Stevie! I’m so glad you’re making friends with the less fortunate!” Robin sat on her bed next to Steve and put her arms around his shoulder.

“He wasn’t so bad. Pretty smart too; you could have used him for trivia, since I won’t be going.” Steve stood up and started towards the living room.

“What! Steve come on, your test isn’t until what…10? And how much more studying can you really do, especially without the nerd brigade? Come on!” Robin pleaded.

“Billy will be there.” Miki smirked, and Steve perked up at that. Ok, so like maybe Steve would learn something useful at trivia.

* * *

 

Miki left to go pickup Hayley and Eddie, giving Robin and Steve an hour to get ready. Steve found himself incredibly nervous about what to wear, ultimately deciding on his Cheap Girls t-shirt and jeans. Casual. As they headed down to meet the others in the parking lot, Steve started to think about what Miki had said. Was his crush on Billy that blatant?

“Look…did you say something to Miki about me liking Billy?” Robin smiled.

“No…well…yes. But only because he asked me about it first.”

“Am I that obvious? I feel like I’ve only mentioned him like once since the party. And like…just to see how the meet went and stuff.”

“No you’re fine. I guess Billy asked about you.”

“He did?”

“Yep, so like be cool.” Robin said, smacking Steve on the shoulder.

So Billy had asked about him. About him, Steve Harrington, potential school dropout Steve. Hot, toned, competitive diving champ, Chemistry major Billy had asked about Steve. He could not keep the fucking smile off his face as they drove to the bar.

* * *

 

The smile left his face however shortly after Steve discovered that Billy was a grade A douche. He kept calling Steve ‘pretty boy’, like ‘great job pretty boy’ whenever Steve knew a trivia answer, or ‘hey pretty boy grab me another whiskey sour’ and it wasn’t in an endearing manner at all. Billy would snicker after he said it, and then go right back to sweet talking some random girl that he had brought with him, who had never introduced herself or been acknowledged by Billy except when he would whisper into her ear between sips of her fruity margarita. No one else really seemed to notice Billy though, so maybe it was all in Steve’s head. Like expectations versus reality can always be disappointing.

Once trivia was over (they had lost by only ten points to a group of Delta Chi assholes a table over), Steve offered to buy chicken wings for the whole table. As they waited for their food to come, Billy’s date suddenly exclaimed that she had to leave, something about a stupid sorority mixer, and she left after kissing Billy long and hard on the mouth. Steve swore he could see their tonsils, they certainly weren’t subtle. Once the show was over and Billy took his gaze away from his date’s ass as she walked away, Hayley broke the silence by taking a stack of papers out of her bag.

“Hey! Could you guys pass these around in your lectures? PRIDE meets for the first time tomorrow and we need new members.” Steve picked up the flyer which had simple black text printed with a rainbow border:

**JOIN U OF I PRIDE! WEDNESDAYS 5PM CRAVENS HALL**

“Cool! I’ll definitely be there.” Steve said, excited at the chance to join a real PRIDE. Community college at Hawkins didn’t have one, and while Steve had tried to get one of his professors to float the idea he also didn’t push too much. He was proud of who he was, but his parents wanted Steve to be seen and not heard. But fresh start, he could explore this side of himself and not really worry about who he was pissing off.

“You part of that kind of stupid shit?” Billy asked, pushing the stack of papers Hayley had put in front of him back towards the middle of the table. No one really knew what to say, but Miki opened and closed his mouth a few times before speaking up.

“So like…are you just a jackass in general Hargrove, or do I have to kick your homophobic ass?”

“Woah man, not like that. Just….don’t see the point. People are always going to treat you like shit, I don’t see why you should waste your time. All so you can try and make people think you deserve special treatment.”

“We do deserve to be treated like everyone else!” Hayley cried, turning quickly to face Steve. “Right Steve?!” Fuck Billy was a douche. Before Steve could say anything, Billy stood up.

“Well, looks like my work here is done. So I’m gonna split. Thanks for the invite, and thanks for the drinks pretty boy.” He winked at Steve, left the booth and walked out with the same calm swagger he always seemed to have.

“He is NOT coming to trivia ever again!” Hayley said, crossing her arms and then reaching to shove Billy’s stack of flyers back into her bag.

“Is he always a dick like that?” Steve asked.

“Kind of? I mean, we’ve only really hung out with him at practice and meets. He isn’t like the fuzziest of guys.” Miki replied.

Steve tried not to let himself be disappointed. He figured Billy was straight, but he had hoped they could at least be friends. But not if the guy was going to be a complete asshole.

* * *

 

Steve walked into the classroom Hayley had booked for PRIDE the next afternoon to find her pacing at the front of the room, chewing on her nails, occasionally glancing at the one other person in the room: Billy Hargrove.

He was sitting at a chair directly in the middle of the room, his legs wide open, chewing on gum, sunglasses on top of his curly haired head, just staring down Hayley with an amused smirk. Steve walked over to Hayley.

“What is he doing here?” She whispered, but like loud enough for Billy to not have heard.

“I don’t know. Has he been an asshole?”

“No, he’s just been sitting there.”

“Well maybe…maybe he’ll be cool.” Hayley looked aghast at the suggestion.

“Ok, let me ask him.” Steve strolled over to Billy, sitting in the chair next to him. He put his backpack down on the ground with a thud, and turned to face him.

“So…are you here to be a dick? Because like, if so, just leave man.”

“Why would you think I’m here to be a dick? Maybe I wanted to learn about PRIDE.” Steve stared at Billy skeptical; after a beat he nodded his head. He turned to look at Hayley who was still nervously biting her fingers.

“Alright man. But if you say ONE thing that pisses anyone off, I’ll kick your ass out myself.” Billy smirked, putting his hands up in surrender.

“Loud and clear Pretty Boy.”

A few more people started to trickle into the room then, including Will Byers, Steve noticed, who sat himself all the way in the back of the classroom. Steve didn’t know much about Will, other than apparently he was queer. Steve’s stomach dropped as he realized how little he ever asked Johnathan about his brother. Sure, Nancy had destroyed Steve, but he had been trying. He had needed friends. But as Steve moved his gaze to Hayley, the thought struck him, _she’s my friend_. He didn’t need to worry about Will or Johnathan or even Nancy. Right? He had this now.

Hayley felt comfortable to start the meeting as Steve stayed seated right next to Billy. She shared the history of PRIDE on campus, goals for the year, which included bringing an LGBT film festival to campus that Steve eagerly volunteered to lead the organization of, and how to recruit new members.

Billy surprisingly kept his mouth shut the entire time. Billy was also the first to get up and leave as soon as the meeting was done. Hayley impatiently gestured for Steve to go after him, and even though Steve didn’t exactly know what she wanted him to do he followed Billy anyway.

“Hey, so like what’s your deal?” He called out. Billy started to slow down his steps so Steve could catch up to him in the hallway.

“Why do you want to know pretty boy?”

“Well, are you, like, joining PRIDE now?”

“Just because I came today doesn’t mean I want to be a part of your stupid little club. And I’m not gay.”

“So why did you come?”

“I don’t know. To apologize.”

“I didn’t hear you say sorry.”

“Listen man, what the hell is your problem?’ Billy asked, stopping and turning to get in Steve’s face. Their noses were almost touching and Steve had to take a step back, along with a deeper breathe. “I came; I kept quiet, now I’m leaving.” Billy turned back around and picked up his pace.

“I just…I don’t get you.”

“What is there to get princess?’ Billy said, still not facing Steve. “I’m on the team with Hayley, and clearly she was upset by what I said. Doesn’t mean I didn’t mean it, and as fun as it would be to have enemies on the team, I don’t feel like putting in the energy.”

“So you’ll be cool? Like you don’t care that Hayley is a lesbian, or like about me or anything?”

Billy turned to stare directly at Steve. “I could not care LESS about you pretty boy.” And with that Billy walked out of the doors, leaving Steve alone in the halls staring after him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think; kudos make me happy!


	3. Never Found a Way to Change

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You want to get out of here?” Bill asked, flicking his cigarette on the ground. Steve nodded and they headed towards Billy’s parked car. 
> 
> “We just headed back to campus?”
> 
> Billy shook his head as he got in the driver’s seat. He stopped halfway through to look at Steve over the hood of the car, a smile gracing his face.
> 
> “Come on pretty boy, the night is still young.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the kudos; this chapter has lots of Steve/Billy and dialogue heavy. It is a little longer than the first two chapters, since I have this written as one long story I wasn't sure the best place to cut this chapter. Hope you enjoy :)

Chapter Three: Never Found a Way to Change

The swim house was throwing another party the weekend of Valentine’s Day. Steve had aced his test, surprising himself with a 72%. Dustin had given him a high five after the professor handed them back, because like if he was going to be Steve’s life-saver he supposed he could do the solid of sitting next to the kid in class.

As a reward Steve had invited Dustin to the party; on the condition that he not be a complete, embarrassment of a freshman.

“Can I bring my friends?” Dustin asked. Steve nodded.

“As long as you little nerds keep to yourself and not get too fucked up. I can’t be carting a bunch of freshman around, and like I have a reputation…or something. Just, don’t be an idiot ok?”

Dustin nodded enthusiastically, and Steve hoped his agreement wouldn’t blow up in his face.

* * *

 

Steve had started having lunch with Hayley every Thursday afternoon, since they both had similar schedules and it was easier to talk about PRIDE stuff. He really enjoyed spending time with her; he liked all of Robin’s friends but it was nice to have someone that he felt connected to, someone else that understood parts of Steve he was still figuring out.

“So Billy is coming this weekend. “ Hayley said, as she shoved a forkful of lettuce into her mouth. She began to talk over her food, which Steve found more endearing than gross. “Eddie invited him; he apologized at practice. Said that he had a friend back home that was gay and treated poorly and it was a sore subject. He was pretty bizarre about the whole thing to be honest, and he’s not like my favorite person, but he and Eddie get along well enough.”

“That’s good. And he apologized to me too…well kind of. After PRIDE.” Billy had not been back to PRIDE the past two weeks; Steve hadn’t encountered him at all, even though he thought maybe he would run into him at some point on campus. It wasn’t like, that big of a campus.

“That was weird though right?” Robin asked, “Like he didn’t need to go AND apologize later. Like he made it clear he thought it was stupid.”

“Well maybe he really was sorry; I mean maybe he cares a little bit because of his friend.”

“Well he doesn’t seem like the guy to care about anything. He hasn’t been to practice in three days. Coach is having a fucking meltdown.”

Steve didn’t say anything, just bit into his sandwich. He found himself worrying about Billy, maybe he was sick or something? It was flu season. But, what right did he have to care anyway? Billy had said he didn’t care about him.

* * *

 That night Steve headed to the party around 8; he had told Dustin that he and his little band of misfits better not show up before 9 because he wouldn’t be there to keep them in line.

Steve was a little later to the house than he wanted to be, but he had been finishing up a paper due Monday. He could not believe the motivation that he had; he attributed it to hanging out with Dustin. Old Steve would have never finished a paper, let alone THREE whole days before it was even due, but here he was.

Dustin seemed to hang onto Steve’s every word, as if he had anything interesting to share, and that made Steve feel important. Robin would tease him once and a while for hanging out with a freshman, but the kid wasn’t that bad. He was, dare Steve say it, turning into a good friend.

He was a funny kid; annoying but not bad once you got to know him. He knew way too much nerd shit that went way over Steve’s head, and would go on tangents about like how the current administration was like an allegory or something for Nazi Germany, and made Steve watch really boring history channel documentaries, but Steve found that he was actually learning things. A few times something Dustin had showed him helped him at Tuesday night trivia.

That was another thing that Billy hadn’t been going to. Steve wasn’t sure if he felt embarrassed after the last time, or if he just didn’t care, but he was slightly disappointed that he wasn’t able to have a chance to learn more about the guy.

* * *

As Steve walked to the swim house, he started getting dry mouth at the fact that he most likely WOULD run into Billy tonight. He was trying to convince himself that he had to be cool. He didn’t need to be a nervous wreck, like don't be such a fucking love sick spaz. He did not care. He really didn't.

Steve realized how much he did care though as he approached the walk out front and saw a shadow leaning against the doorway of the porch, blowing smoke into the sky.

He felt his heart jump into his throat when the porch light hit the figure just right: it was Billy.

Steve shoved his hands in his pockets, casual, and started strolling up the walkway.

“Fancy seeing you here amigo.”

Steve ignored the fact that Billy had just, essentially called him a friend. Because he wasn’t calling him a friend, he was just being cocky.

“Guess I could say the same thing about you, amigo.” Steve replied, even though he had known that Billy would be there. But Billy didn’t know that he knew.

“Well I am just too irresistible.  Didn’t take much to get me an invite to this shindig.”

“Yeah, Hayley told me you apologized.”

“Doesn’t take much. I know how to get people off my back, little sob story. People are usually putty in your hand.” Billy said, smirking and licking his teeth.

Steve was still just standing on the walkway, so he slowly approached Billy stepping onto the bottom step of the porch, leaning against the railing.

“You sound like a real jackass sometimes, you know that right?”

“Tell me something I don’t know pretty boy.” Billy said over the cigarette in his mouth.

“And that? Why do you call me that?”

“Rich fuck like you? Come on, don’t tell me you don’t love it.” Billy was smirking again, like he had been at Steve during trivia.

“How do you know I’m rich?” Steve said, hoping he sounded skeptical and not nervous.

“Please, way you dress? How you bought everyone’s drinks and food at the bar? With a black card? Daddy’s money, I presume.”

Steve didn’t want to get into THAT conversation so he just stared at his feet for a minute before looking up to stare at Billy taking a drag of his cigarette.

“Can I have one of those?”

Billy’s eyebrows rose up. “I hand roll em, no filter.” He said.

“So?” Steve replied. He watched as Billy shook his head with a grin on his face, reaching into his back pocket to pull out a bag of tobacco. Billy lifted his right leg so his foot was on one of the porch’s railings, resting the package on his bent knew. He began to methodically pack wrapping paper with loose tobacco, continuing to look at Steve as he spoke.

“You like Cheap Girls?” He said as he raised the paper to his lips to lick it shut.

Steve gulped at the sight. “Um..what?” It was really amazing how skilled Billy seemed to be at rolling a cigarette, especially without looking. Steve figured it probably wasn’t that hard, but it was impressive none the less, especially when his tongue…was doing that. 

“Cheap Girls. The band?”

“Oh…yeah. They’re alright I guess. Why?”

“They’re playing a show around here tomorrow night. Want to go?” Billy asked, so casually like he was asking Steve, he didn’t know, like about the weather or some shit. He held the finished cigarette out to Steve.

Steve took it and placed it precariously between his lips, as if the slightest touch would break it. It was damp with Billy’s saliva and a rush of heat went through Steve, he was sure his neck was red. Steve started patting his pockets, but Billy was one step ahead of him holding out a silver Zippo lighter, flicking on the flame, moving forward a step to bring it close to the cigarette dangling from Steve’s mouth. He was staring right into Steve’s eyes with his own ice blue ones. Steve slowly bent down, capturing the flame and taking a long drag. He immediately began coughing.

“Warned ya.” Billy smirked, pulling back and putting the lighter and his tobacco back in his pocket.

 “Whatever...” Steve said, taking another drag, with less pull this time, blowing a stream of smoke directly into Billy’s face. He tried to think of what to say, and ignore the fact that Billy had essentially called him a friend AND asked him to do something on fucking Valentines of all days. “Why do you want to go to a show with me? What about your girlfriend or whatever?”

“Who?” Billy asked the sky.

“That girl, the one you were sucking face with the other night?”

“Oh her? Yeah, no. Rule number one pretty boy; never date the same chick twice. I’m not really a relationship kind of guy.”

“Ok…and stop calling me that. I have a name.”

“Steve…” Billy said drawn out, rolling his hand obnoxiously encouraging Steve to finish.

“Harrington, Steve Harrington.” Steve said, annoyed.

“Alright Harrington, yes or no?”

Steve knew that he should say no. Sure, maybe Billy had apologized and maybe Steve could use more friends, and maybe he found himself lying awake at night touching himself to images of Billy’s plump lips and the words “pretty boy”, but he would be lying if he said that he didn’t care about falling for another straight guy. Hanging out with Billy was nothing but a poor idea.

“Sure, why not.” Steve said, crushing his cigarette under his shoes.

“Cool. Meet me outside the commons tomorrow at 7:30. I can drive.”

“Ok thanks…seriously though, why ask me? I thought you didn’t like me.” Steve said, unable to lift his gaze from the burnt out stub of the cigarette as it lay on the bottom stoop.

“I said I didn’t _care_ about you Harrington. And I saw your shirt, at trivia. Figured you must have some good taste in music, I haven’t really found anyone around here that doesn’t listen to absolute garbage. Bedside’s my sister.”

Steve got tingly at that; Billy had a sister. He was sharing part of himself. This was…this is what people did, Steve reminded himself. It’s not a big deal.

“Yeah, the swimmers really enjoy their dubstep, huh?”

“You have no idea. Practice is like a rave club.” Billy said rolling his eyes. Steve wanted to ask him about practice, why he hadn’t been showing up, but he didn’t want Billy to know that Steve had been talking about him. He certainly didn’t look sick, especially not with the second cigarette Billy was now rolling for himself.

Silence fell over them. The night wasn’t too cold for February, but it wasn’t exactly comfortable to be standing in for too long. Steve began moving towards the door, walking up so he was on the same step as Billy, leaning to grab the door knob, when Billy finished his cigarette, and mumbled over it.

“Name you favorite band right now.” He said, lighting the cigarette and not looking at Steve.

Steve kept his hand and gaze on the doorknob. “Um…The Drums? Or maybe…Death Cab? Been kind of obsessed with them again the last few weeks.”

“Not bad. Depressing, but not awful. You like any, like old school shit?”

“Like…The Smiths?”

“Morrissey fan, huh? Didn’t peg you for such a downer Harrington.”

“What about you?”

“Wouldn’t you like to know?” Billy said, skipping down the steps. He got halfway down the walkway when he turned around, walking backwards. “I’ll see you tomorrow pretty boy.” He winked and turned back around. Steve stood on the porch for another five minutes, just watching Billy as he disappeared down the street and into the darkness, wondering what the hell he had gotten himself into.

* * *

 So Steve’s warning to Dustin about being to the house AT EXACTLY 9 pm fell on deaf ears because when Steve walked into the apartment he saw, among the other guests, a group of five kids huddled in a corner conspiring, with one curly mopped punk standing in the middle.

“Dustin. What the hell?” Steve said, shoving already intoxicated kids out of his way.

“Relax Steve, everything is fine. Your friends are super cool.”

“Yeah!” The red-haired girl who had yelled at Billy at Walmart said, holding up a beer. “They even gave us beer!”

Steve audibly groaned. “Alright, but if you assholes give me trouble I swear to God…Mike?!”

Steve had set his eyes upon one Mike _fucking_ Wheeler, who was standing between Dustin and a tall kid with a red bandana, who had his arm around the red head.  Fucking Nancy’s little brother Mike Wheeler. How the fuck did Steve not notice that Mike was with the group the other day? He was so bent out of shape about possibly dealing with Byer’s brother he fucking missed the fact that his ex’s was here too.  This was turning into a nightmare.

“Nice to finally be NOTICED.” Mike said, standing a bit taller. “Granted, I guess I am more handsome than the last time you paid attention to me…which was really, now that I think of it, never.”

Steve put his head in his hands. Fuck. So yeah, he didn’t really give a shit about Mike. Why would he? Nancy and he had broken up the summer between her freshman and sophomore year of NYU, because like distance was too hard, and Johnathan understood her, and oh yeah did she forget to mention that Steve and their love was bullshit?

Even when they were…happy or whatever, Steve barely remembered that Mike existed. The kid was OBNOXIOUS, worse than Dustin. This was turning into Steve’s literal idea of hell. He was supposed to be getting over Nancy, and now here he was entertaining her fucking brother, when he was supposed to be having fun being a stupid, dumb carefree college kid. 

“Listen dweeb I said you could bring friends, not the whole squad. This isn’t a home for the needy.”

“Real nice Steve. Bet you Nancy would just love to know what you really think of us.” Mike said, a smirk on his face.

“Wait…Steve?” The red-haired girl said. “You’re Steve, friends with the swimmers Steve?”

“….Yeah. What’s it to you?”

“Oh man, my brother WILL not shut up about you.”

“What?” Steve said, but before he could say anything more Miki was at his side, shoving a beer in his hands and pulling him away from the kids.

“Listen Steve, I don’t mind you inviting freshman to my party, but, like, don’t let them monopolize all of your time. I have a surprise for you, one that isn’t exactly for little kids.”

Steve let Miki drag him to his room to share a bong with Rose and Hayley. After he took a few hits and felt a little less pissed off at the fact that Mike Wheeler was just in the other room, and a little less nervous that Billy apparently kept asking about him, he pulled out his phone.

_Steve: yo, ur bro goes to uni of indianapolis?_

_Nancy: ur a fucking idiot steve Harrington_

* * *

 

“You’re going to a show…with Billy?” Robin asked as Steve put his jacket on.

“Yeah, he likes Cheap Girls.”

“Steve, I thought he was straight.”

“He is. I think…what does that matter? It’s just a concert, I like the band too.”

“I just don’t want you to get hurt is all.”

Steve appreciated Robin’s concern, but he’d already made peace with the fact that even if Billy was super-hot, and even if Billy was super smart, and even IF Billy kept asking about him, he didn’t need to be in love with every person that gave him the attention, and yeah Billy was mysterious and he wanted to know him better, but he could control himself. They could be…friends.

“Robin, really it’s fine. He’s straight. We can be friends. What’s the harm in that?”

She rolled her eyes and continuing to stir something on the stove. “Ok…have fun…oh, and don’t forget next week Joe is coming to visit so…”

“Yeah, I know. Find somewhere else to be next Friday night. You owe me. At least you have someone to use the fuck couch with.”

Robin smiled. “Don’t worry Stevie, that couch will see some of your action soon enough I am sure of it. Everything happens like it should right? You’ll find somebody.”

And Steve couldn’t help but think of that as he walked to the commons. Was this supposed to happen? He becoming…friends or something with Billy?

* * *

 

He got to the commons around 7:15 and sat on a bench by the parking lot. He put his headphones in and hoped that he could tune out the thoughts racing in his head. He shouldn’t be this fucking nervous. It wasn’t a date.

 _Book of Love_ came on his shuffle…because of course it fucking did. But he just let the lyrics wash over him and tried to focus on how this could be a casual, fun night. He didn’t need to panic.

Steve didn’t really know how long he had been sitting on the bench but he was halfway through Ariana Grande's new song (what, Steve liked her. Sue him) when the Camaro came barreling down the University entrance, skidding into a parking space.

The red-haired girl…Max, Steve had learned, jumped out of the car and slammed the door shut, giving Billy the finger as she dropped a skateboard and whizzed by Steve. She gave Steve a wink as she passed.

Billy leaned out of the window like it wasn’t only 30 degrees or something, with his sunglasses on, staring directly at Steve. “Ready princess?”

Steve tried to keep the smile off his face and instead rolled his eyes as he walked to the car. He got into the passenger seat and barely had time to get comfortable before Billy was already pulling out.

Cheap Girls was playing over the radio, which Steve found himself slightly giddy at.

“I do that too.”

“Do what?” Billy asked, almost bored, pulling a cigarette to his lips.

“I don’t know, listen to whatever band I’m going to see live on the way there. Like get myself hyped up. Been listening to them all day.”

“What’s your favorite track of theirs?”

“Ft. Lauderdale.”

“Figures. ..”

“Pff…well what’s yours?”

Billy just turned to stare at Steve one hand banging on the steering wheel, the other leaning to turn up the music.

_We took our chances and we all wound up on the floor_

_We wound up all over the floor_

_She spends her money on the things that she regrets_

_Well I love her and cigarettes so much_

“Figures.” Steve said.

They drove in silence for a while and once the album ended Billy switched the station over to fucking NPR, which Steve wasn’t that impressed, but like maybe a little, but mostly surprised.

“You listen to NPR?” Steve’s fucking dad listened to NPR. 

“Yeah…it’s sort of how you find out what’s happening in the world.” Billy said, as if it was a crime not to.

Steve suddenly felt very small and stupid and _fuck_. Billy was not the type of guy he thought he was and that actually made him MORE attractive. Billy could maybe sense that Steve was tensing up, so he decided to ask something that could easily have backfired.

“So how long have you been out?”

Steve wasn’t sure how to reply. He hadn’t ever been asked that. No one had really ever asked him anything about coming out, not even Hayley. His parents knew, and Tommy and Carol, and Nancy of course. He hadn’t hidden it from anyone, and like he would mention it when it came up, but no one had ever asked about it before.

“Um…since like senior year of high school, maybe? Or before. Like my girlfriend knew a while before anyone else did.”

“I’m assuming that made her your ex-girlfriend?”

“What? Oh no…like she was cool with it.” 

Billy let out a small laugh, “Oh. She like a lesbian, using each other and shit?”

“No dude…I’m not gay. I’m bi. We broke up because she cheated on me.” Why was he telling Billy this?

“Damn. What a bitch.”

“Not really, it’s fine. We’re like friends or whatever.”

“Why?”

“Because we are. I don’t know, we moved on.”

Billy kept tapping his hands on the steering wheel even though there was no music on the radio. Just monotone voices talking about things Steve really didn’t understand.

“What about you?” Steve asked. Billy kept his eyes on the road.

“What about me?”

“Well, you ever have a girlfriend?”

“Nope…don’t do…”

“Yeah, I know. Don’t do relationships. Like ever?”

“Nope, not worth the bullshit.”

“I don’t know, I mean, isn’t that the risk you take?”

“Tell me again pretty boy while you’re acting like my therapist?”

“Sorry.” Steve rubbed his sweaty palms on his jeans. He was just trying to make small talk, but clearly Billy wasn’t into revealing much about himself. But as the silence stretched on, Steve had to say something. He was slowly dying inside from the panic of it all.

“So um, where are you from?”

“California” Bill said, rolling the window down just a crack so he could throw his cigarette out. He immediately pulled another from a pack on his lap, and waved one at Steve. Steve nodded and took it. It at least had a filter this time.

“That’s cool. I’ve never been to that part of the country. You don’t look very tan.”

“Well that would be because I’ve been in New York the past three years, Einstein.”

“Nice. What did you do out there?”

“School.”

“School. What school?”

“Look Harrington, this isn’t 20 questions alright? I’m driving you to this show, but I didn’t expect you to be such a talkative bitch.”

“Jeez man, just trying to have a conversation.”

“Yeah, well I don’t do that either.”

Luckily the venue was only another ten minutes away. Steve would swear if the silence had gone on even into minute 11 he was going to just open the door and jump out onto the road.

* * *

 

The venue was pretty small but Steve liked intimate places for live shows. The loud music surrounding you, like a warm blanket, making you feel just fucking alive.

The opening band was alright; he and Billy had managed to make their way almost to the front, close to the stage. Once Cheap Girls came on, Steve tried to focus on them and not Billy, but he couldn’t help but steal a few glances. Billy had his hands in his pockets most of the show, slowly nodding his head and tapping his right foot to the beat. He was casually smoking a vape pen, which Steve hoped had weed in it. Billy hit it once or twice before offering it to Steve. He took a hit and a smile graced his face. Not tobacco. Nice.

The show was great, they played most of _Giant Orange_ which Steve was pleased with and they had ended with _Ft. Lauderdale_ to which Steve yelled “in your face” to Billy who just rolled his eyes smirking around his vape.

Steve hadn’t even realized he was sweating so much until they stepped outside into the cold night air. He started shivering slightly and before he knew it Billy was shoving a cigarette in his mouth, holding a lighter up to his eye level.

“Smoke up princess. Keep you warm.”

“That was awesome man! I saw them live once in high school, but I hadn’t even heard of them before so like this was so cool to see them again and like KNOW their songs.” Steve was bouncing on his heels, the high buzzing through him, inhaling the cigarette way too fast, but not caring, just staring at Billy’s cut jaw-line as he himself stared back at Steve, lips tight around his own smoke.

“Yeah, they put on a good show.”

They stood in quiet off to the exit of the venue, sucking their cigarettes down to the filter. The sky was clear and it wasn’t unbearably cold. Steve hoped that the night wouldn’t end here, that maybe they would go to a bar or a club or something. Or maybe even, like back to Billy’s place or Steve’s where they could listen to good music and smoke more and…

“You want to get out of here?” Bill asked, flicking his cigarette on the ground. Steve nodded and they headed towards Billy’s parked car.

“We just headed back to campus?”

Billy shook his head as he got in the driver’s seat. He stopped hallway through to look at Steve over the hood of the car, a smile gracing his face.

“Come on pretty boy, the night is still young.”

* * *

 

Billy began driving and soon they were heading onto the highway. Steve had no idea where they were going, but it was only 10:45 and it was a Friday, so like who cares. And he was with Billy; Billy still wanted to hang out with him. He tried not to show the excitement pulsing through him.

Billy threw an aux cord at Steve once they were coasting down the road. Steve barely grabbed onto it and just held it up between them.

“You have Spotify right?”

“Yeah.”

“So put on a song.”

“Ok…but like what song? Like what do you want to listen to?” Steve’s palms were getting sweating again.

“No, you pick. Like…every moment, like has a vibe right? What’s the soundtrack of your life, like right now?” Billy almost demanded.

Steve didn’t really know how to answer that question. It was oddly…personal. “Like right this minute, now?” Steve wasn’t sure if he was brave enough to play anything that reflected what he was feeling at this exact moment in time.

“Sure. I mean, you don’t have the shittiest taste in music. So I’ll give you a shot. If it sucks though, I reserve the right to veto.”

“Noted.” Steve said, and suddenly his heart had dropped to his stomach and he was staring between Billy and his phone wondering if he should just put it on shuffle, but like he couldn’t because most of the songs on his current playlist were really depressing and shit and reminded him too much of Nancy and Hawkins, and even though Billy said he liked Morrissey, or at least didn’t shit on Steve for liking Morrissey, Steve decided he was supposed to like be himself, right? So he should put on exactly what Billy had asked for, right? What was playing in his head, in this moment?

So he held his breath and chose. _To Be Alone with You_ by Sufjan Stevens started playing over the speakers. So like yeah, it was a really bold choice, but it was also a really good song, so maybe Billy wouldn’t be too freaked out. Steve really was just trying to be honest.

_I’d swim across Lake Michigan_

_I’d sell my shoes_

_I’d give my body to be back again_

_In the rest of the room_

_To be alone with you  
_

Billy didn’t say anything as the song started, and didn’t say anything the entire time it played. He just kept his gaze ahead, a neutral expression on his face. Steve closed his eyes and tried to just focus on the song and not the implications.

Once the song finished, Billy kept his gaze on the road. Steve could swear he was smiling, like just the hint of a smile, but he told himself not to read into it.

“Pretty sappy there Harrington.”

“Yeah, well you asked. What about you?”

“ _Tonight the Streets are Ours_ , by Richard Hawley.” Billy said, like it had been waiting to burst out of his mouth all night. Steve didn’t know that one but he pulled it up on his phone.

After the first verse, he turned to Billy and said “Wouldn’t expect you to like music like this.”

“Shut up pretty boy, I kept quiet during your song.”

So Steve just let himself focus on the lyrics, letting it fall over him, letting the words prick his every nerve. His knee was bouncing with anxiety, his heart beat picking up. _This doesn’t mean anything, idiot_ , he told himself, not being able to help, however, his gaze from shifting to Billy as he drove, his fingers gripping and letting go from the steering wheel slowly.

_Do you know how to kill loneliness_

_Oh, there’s so much there to heal dear_

_And make tear stains of the past_

Once the song finished, the car went back to the stifling silence. Steve wasn’t sure if he should say anything, or just put another song on, but before he could press shuffle Billy spoke up.

“You’re not so bad, Harrington. I mean for a rich fuck.”

“Gee thanks, I’m charmed.”

“No, I mean. I figured maybe you would be cool because you like Cheap Girls, but like maybe you only liked them because they were like the only indie band you knew of and you thought it made you cool. Plus, rich assholes are always super high maintenance. But you aren’t the worst.”

“I’m flattered, truly. You aren’t so bad yourself. I mean…you’re a douche bag, but like it’s not off-putting…yet.”

“Now I’m flattered!” Billy said, turning for the first time since they got in the car to smile at Steve.

“No, I mean. I don’t know, you come across as more abrasive than you are?”

Billy laughed. “Is that a question?”

“Maybe?”

“Look, we aren’t gonna be like best friends, ok? I’m sure I’ll find some reason to be annoyed by you.”

Billy pulled off an exit and turned down a dark road, before handing Steve a whisky bottle from behind his seat.

“Bottoms up.”

“Dude we are still in the car.” Steve said, hesitatingly reaching for the bottle.

“Yeah, and I know for a fact cops never come up here, so just like don’t be a pussy.”

Against his better judgement, Steve grabbed the bottle, twisted off the cap. He took a swig and hissed as it burned down his throat. Billy laughed.

Steve responded between deep breathes, “I’m not giving this to you until you at least park the fucking car.”

“Yeah, yeah. Figures you’d be a square.” Billy said, but like not even in an annoyed tone, almost like he thought it was cute.

They turned down a gravel trail that barely fit the width of the Camaro. It was windy and trees covered either side, the car even hit a few branches on the way up. Steve said a silent thanks that most of the snow had melted from the day before.

When they turned a bend, suddenly they were met with rolling hills and the giant moon. A small parking lot and a pavilion sat about 100 feet in front of them. Billy pulled into one of the spots, turning off the car and turning to Steve.

“Alright. Car is parked, hand it over.”

Steve obliged, watching as Billy’s lips covered the top of the bottle, gulping down way more than Steve ever could. Billy went to hand it back to Steve and as he did their fingers brushed. Steve turned to look out his window in an attempt to hide his blush.

“So what is this place?”

“A park, what do you think? Idiots in these bumfuck towns outside the city never close the gate. It’s usually quiet.”

The sky was totally clear, and the stars were shining so bright they reminded Steve of Hawkins. Granted, they weren’t even that far from Hawkins but it still felt nice, which was annoying because he hated Hawkins and being reminded of it. 

“Almost a full moon, too. So it’s beautiful out.”

“Now whose sappy, Hargrove?”

Billy rolled his eyes dramatically. “What, like not like that pretty boy. Space is fucking incredible. Like just think about it. All we don’t know, how small we are. Infinitely insignificant.”

Now that Steve understood. Insignificance. Insignificant to his parents, to Nancy. In school, in life. Fuck, he wasn’t going to amount to anything.

“And why is that a cool thing?” He asked, trying to mask his insecurities.

“Because…” Billy replied, hand reaching for his door handle. “Nothing you do matters. So you should do whatever you want.”

Steve raised his eyebrows at that.

“Look, like within reason alright? I may be a douchebag, but like I don’t do stupid shit. Just like, life doesn’t have meaning so like make meaning. I don’t know, do what you want, feel what you want.”

“I guess I get that.”

“Not so easy though.” Billy said, opening the door and walking out over the grassy hills.

Steve waited a moment before following. He was having a good time, maybe too much of a good time. Billy was straight. He wasn’t flirting with Steve. He was really smart and witty and maybe not as much of an asshole as Steve thought. None of these things were helping convince Steve to not crush on the guy. Steve got out of the car, finding Billy a few feet ahead lying on the ground, he lay next to him.

“What’s your star sign?” Billy asked.

“Like…my…horoscope?” Steve asked, confused.

“Yeah.”

Steve had to take a minute to think. He genuinely didn’t know. He had never really cared for that stuff. His mom had been into it for a moment, but he always thought it was some like bullshit girls gossiped about during slumber parties.

“I don’t know…I was born in June.”

“June what?”

“June 15th.”

“Gemini. Figures.” Billy said, and that was getting a little annoying to Steve. “You know…Aries is Gemini’s most compatible sign. ‘Their love is an adventure’.” Billy said, using air quotes.

Nancy was an Aries. Steve rolled his eyes.

“Doubtful. I don’t believe in that shit.”

“I don’t really either, just saying…ok so you like good music, you hate astrology…”

“I didn’t say I hated it.”

“Ok, well you don’t know astrology. What do you know?” Steve was surprised that that question hadn’t come out harsh, but rather genuinely inquisitively.

“Um…I’m not really sure.” Steve said, that insecure heat climbing his neck.

“What do you mean, you don’t know. Ok, so what’s your major?” Billy asked, moving so he was leaning on one elbow and facing Steve who kept his eyes on the stars above.

“Accounting.”

“Ok, so you’re a math dork.”

“Not even close.”

“Then what? You really loyal to the institutional prison that is tax season?” Billy snickered.

“No, my dad is an accountant. Kind of made me do it.”

“Well what do you want?”

“I...don’t really know.” Steve said, turning so he was staring into Billy’s eyes, which were almost invisible in the moonlight, save for dark sparkles around his iris.

“Rough deal, amigo. Only thing I got going for me in life is a love of the periodic table. Not sure what I would do if I couldn’t enjoy that.”

“Where did that come from? Like…no offense but…’ Steve gestured his hand from Billy’s head to his feet, pointing out his ripped jeans and steel toed boots. “You don’t really look like a science nerd.”

“Hey, I do take offense to that. Science nerds can be hot, I’m rebranding the stereotype.”

Steve laughed. He wanted to ask Billy more, like why chemistry? How did someone like him want to study science that in depth, but also like drive a Camaro? Steve felt a little guilty for making assumptions, but he truly found Billy intriguing.

As if he could read Steve’s thoughts, Billy sighed and turned to lie on his back again. “It was my mom. She would take me every Saturday to this science club, at the library. It was the only place within walking distance of her apartment that had kids’ stuff, she didn’t have a car. So whenever I would stay with her, that’s what we would do. It was fun, and I was good at it.”

“Is that where you learned astrology?”

“Yep.”

“What’s your mom’s sign?” Steve found himself asking, which he mentally kicked himself for. Why wouldn’t he ask what Billy’s sign was?

“Um…Pisces. She was a Pisces.” Billy said, emphasis on the _was_.

His voice was small, and before Steve could think better of it he asked him. “Was? What happened to her?”

Billy stood up quickly, wiping his hands on his jeans. “Alright pretty boy, therapy is over.” Billy began walking to the car, Steve jumped up to follow feeling like an idiot.

They had been driving for about 15 minutes and still had about another half hour back to campus when Steve had an idea. He plugged his phone in and turned on the radio.

“What song should be playing now?”

Billy gripped the steering wheel tighter, and without looking at Steve, simply replied “ _Radio Cure_ …by…”

“Wilco. Ok, cool.”

And so they drove into the night, letting the song fill the car, and ignoring the silence from one another.

_Cheer up, honey, I hope you can_  
_There is something wrong with me_  
_My mind is filled with silvery stars_  
_Honey, kisses, clouds of fog_

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	4. Over the Rainbow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve vaguely remembered Billy asking for his number last night. He assumed, he had been drunk enough to happily oblige.
> 
> He was surprised however to see that it hadn’t even been 24 hours and Billy wanted to hang out again. He had sent the message only about 20 minutes ago, so Steve felt like his window of opportunity was still open.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is short, but I hope to update again soon.

Steve woke up early Sunday to the sounds of _It Wasn’t Me_ , which was Robin's go to breakfast cooking song. Which usually made Steve laugh and look forward to waking up on the weekend, but this morning it was grating.

You see, Steve had killer migraines. Like the kind that made his eyes feel hollow and the room spin. Most of the time, like this morning, Steve could still somewhat function. It was a shooting pain, like an ice pick was being shoved into his temple, quickly ripped out, and shoved back in. But he was able to still go through most of the day’s tasks, learning after so many years to shove the pain to the back of his brain and focus on other aspects of the world to try and dull the sensation.

Still didn’t mean that Shaggy at full volume didn’t want to make him bury into his mattress and pray for death. It probably didn’t help that he had demolished that bottle of whisky the night before.  Steve dug his palms into his eyes,  putting the entire night in chronological order.

Steve had drunk the rest of the bottle at Billy’s insistence, seeing as he couldn’t partake as he drove; Billy had dropped him off at the commons a little after one am. Steve had wanted to ask Billy to come over, or at least drop him off at his apartment so he wouldn’t have to walk back. But Billy had been stoic and silent, except for the mumbled “better finish that up pretty boy, I’m not wasting good whisky on your pansy ass”. Steve had stumbled back from the commons and passed out the moment he hit the bed.

Now, with sunshine engulfing his room and the dull pounding in his head, Steve allowed a smile to grace his face. He had had a lot of fun last night, despite the awkwardness of how things ended.

He grabbed his phone to see the time, it was almost noon, and saw that he had several messages.

_Nancy: steve? Why r u such a jerk? mike likes u, u know? Try to be a role model!_

_Nancy: steve? Ok so maybe mike was exaggerating…he can be that way…_

_Nancy: message me back, please! johnathan and i want to talk about visiting over spring break_

_Nancy: I’m just going to call u later if u don’t answer_

_Unknown number: want to go on an adventure?_

Steve vaguely remembered Billy asking for his number last night. He assumed, he had been drunk enough to happily oblige.

He was surprised however to see that it hadn’t even been 24 hours and Billy wanted to hang out again. He had sent the message only about 20 minutes ago, so Steve felt like his window of opportunity was still open. He held the phone, staring at it like it had all the wisdom he felt he needed in this moment, getting out of bed and walking into the kitchen, silently contemplating what he should respond with.

* * *

 

Robin was putting pancakes onto a plate; when she saw Steve she pointed to the microwave where a plate stacked with pancakes was sitting next to a bottle of syrup.

Steve smiled and went to sit in the living room. Robin came by shortly after and settled next to him, curling her feet under her as she shoved in a mouthful of pancakes.

“So…I see you are alive.”

Steve nodded as he shoved a bite into his mouth. “You sound surprised” he mumbled, syrup dripping down his chin.

“Well Billy…isn’t the nicest of people. You had fun?”

“Yeah, I had a great time. He…um. He texted me this morning actually to hang out.”

“Why?”

“Wow, thanks Robin.” Steve smiled.

“No…I just mean, I don’t know what I mean. I’m glad that you can be friends.”

Steve finished his pancakes and took his phone back out. Butterflies filled his stomach. He had no idea what to say. Should he just act casual? Should he just say yes? Should he _flirt_?

So he settled with,

_Steve: where r we going?_

_Billy: it’s surprise. Yes or no?_

_Steve: sure…where should we meet?_

_Billy: where do you live?_

Steve sent him the address and Billy let him know that he would be there in about a half hour, which gave Steve enough time to shower, jerk off in said shower anticipation twisting in his stomach, and try to look somewhat presentable before Billy was knocking on the door.

Robin answered because Steve was still putting on his pants.

“Hey Billy!” She smirked

“Hey.”

“How are you?”

“Just peachy. Steve around?”

Robin turned around and headed towards her bedroom, yelling Steve’s name before she went inside and shut the door. Steve came out wearing his Red Hot Chili Peppers shirt and jeans, grabbing his winter coat and hat.

Billy had on just a white t-shirt, his ripped jeans and leather jacket. Steve noticed a gold circular pendant around his neck. His hair was gorgeous in the sunlight that peaked through the half open blinds of the picture window, short at the sides, small curls on top. He had a cigarette dangling between his lips.

“Hey there princess. Ready to go?”

“I guess. Depends though on exactly where we are going.”

“Don’t worry, you won’t die or anything” Billy said rolling his eyes, “unless you’re stupid.”

“Thanks for the assuring words.”

* * *

 

Steve was very happy that it was such a bright day; the gray skys were getting to him. They got to the parking lot and approached the Camaro, but instead of stopping at it Billy kept walking across the parking lot, to the end of the grass behind the apartment complex. Steve stopped.

“Where are we going?”

Billy kept walking. “Relax Harrington, I’m not leading you to your death or anything. Yet anyway, but if you keep jabbering I might change my fucking mind.”

So Steve ran to catch up. Billy kept his hands in either pocket, occasionally bringing the cigarette to and from his mouth. He hadn’t offered one to Steve, which Steve didn’t mind. It was kind of early in the day, well early for Steve, and the warming air didn’t really need the heat and dryness of a cigarette.

Billy led them across the grass onto the sidewalk and a few blocks from the apartment until they were across from campus. Then he had them turn down a residential street. Steve had no idea where they were going, and Billy hadn’t seemed like he was interested in conversation, so they just kept walking, the only sounds around them their feet pounding the concrete. Soon they were turning down a cul-de-sac and Billy was leading them to an overgrown pathway between two, clearly like townie houses, they were way too nice to be student housing.

“Are we trespassing?” Steve inquired.

“Harrington, I swear to God, just shut up and follow me.”

So Steve did. Soon the path was a little less overgrown and more a dirt trail. It led to a tree line a few hundred feet in front of them. Billy ducked under and between the trees and Steve followed close behind. Once they emerged on the other side of the heavy forest they were met with a small running stream. Steve could just make out a baseball diamond through the trees on the other side of the water.

“A river?”

“Not a river, Einstein. A creek.” Billy said, walking closer to the water’s edge.

“A creek.”

“Yeah, a creek. We are going to look for salamanders.”

“Salamanders?” Steve asked skeptically, hands in his pockets staring as Billy bent down to pick up a rock, skipping it across the water.

“Are you just going to repeat everything I say?”

“Isn’t it cold for salamander hunting?”

“Maybe, but it’s not like their dead. Just makes it more fun.”

Steve smiled slowly as Billy crouched down further until he was almost sitting on his heels, turning over rocks and digging in the ground with a small twig he had found. The ground wasn’t quite frozen, so it wasn’t too hard to churn up the dirt.

Steve sat on a rock opposite Billy.

“This something else you did in science camp?”

“Hunt for salamanders? Sure. You would be surprised how much of our natural world is…explained by science, pretty boy.”

Steve rolled his eyes.

“What don’t like animals either?” Billy smirked, picking up a small spider he had dug up, bringing it close to Steve. Steve marveled at the animal as it crawled across Billy’s palm, and down his hand. Billy brought his other hand over to catch the spider and gently put it back on the ground.

“No, I like animals. Just don’t know anything about them, where to find them. Any of that stuff.”

“Doesn’t seem like you know much of anything Harrington.” Bill said, continuing to pick at the dirt.

“Alright, look if you’re going to be an asshole, I’m just gonna leave.” Steve said, although he made no attempt to leave the rock he was perched on.

“That came out harsh” Billy said, leaning back until he was on his ass, legs sprawled out in front of him. He brushed the dirt off his hands, only to settle back on them. “I just mean…you have to know things. You _like_ things? I just…what do you like?”

Steve blinked at Billy and they had a staring contest for a few beats.

“I don’t know. I haven’t really thought about it.”

“You haven’t thought about…the things you like?”

“Well I mean, I don’t know man. I like what I like.”

“Ok…let’s actually play 20 questions. But me asking you? Sound good?” Billy cleared his throat like he wasn’t going to let Steve protest. “First up, are you an only child?”

“Yep.”

“You play little league or anything like that?”

“Yeah.”

“You like that?”

“Not really…baseball was super boring. I sucked at it.”

“Ok what about football?”

“Nope.”

“Hockey?”

“Nope.”

Billy rose his eyebrows as if to say _really, dude_ , but he just sighed quietly and kept going.

“Ok…um basketball?”

“I guess…my dad used to take me to games.”

“Ok!” Billy said, clapping his hands. “Progress.”

Steve moved his gaze to the ground. He wasn’t exactly sure why Billy was doing this. He was about 75% sure it was all a joke, like Billy was just playing some long con, tricking Steve so he could make fun of him, shove in his face how stupid and boring he was. How he was bullshit. 

“Ok…so you like good music…you read any?”

“Um…not really?”

Billy’s eyebrows went up again. “You EVER read?”

Steve’s migraine was coming on again. Figures Billy would read, and judge Steve for not. The guy listened to NPR for fucks sake.

“…I’ve been….um reading more than I usually do, like for classes and stuff.” Steve said, reaching to run his hand through his hair anxiously. 

“Anything interesting?”

Steve had to think about that. He had had difficulty retaining much of what he read, but he was getting better at, like at least remembering the key points, like if he had a test the next day or lecture or something. He wracked his brain, shoving the dull pain of the ice pick, until he remembered something he had read the week before, the first passage for school work that he hadn’t had to read more than once to understand.

“They made me take Oceanography. Like for a gen-ed. That’s the only text that doesn’t make me want to rip my eyes out.”

“Oh ho, ho Harrington. Now who is the science nerd?”

“Not even…it’s just, you ever see pictures of those giant ass squid?”

Billy nodded enthusiastically.

“Well, they are crazy cool. There was only like a small section on them in the book, but it was really interesting. I didn’t know they got that big.”

“They’re amazing. I have a book all about them, their history and stuff. Like, they think they were like the inspiration for sea monsters back in the day. You can borrow it if you want to ever like…read for fun or something.” Billy said.

“Thanks.” Steve said, feeling a little more comfortable with Billy’s third degree.

“Ok…so, basketball, huge squid…something tells me though they aren’t like your favorite things?”

“I don’t know…I mean, the squid thing is pretty recent.”

“What makes you feel, like happy?" Billy blurted out, impatiently, but not like in a way that turned Steve off more than the conversation already was...but like, like they were on the breakthrough of something.  "Like something that no matter the circumstance, it always brings you joy? Like, for me its diving, or chemistry. Makes me forget how...meaningless life it. What do you _like_?”

Steve knew the answer; of course he knew what he liked. He just…didn’t have many hobbies, certainly nothing like science or a skill like diving. He didn’t want Billy to judge him more than he already was; Nancy certainly did. Not that like, that part of his life is like fucking crazy or anything, like he doesn't collect human skulls or some shit. Steve always thought it was a pretty mundane thing to enjoy. But Nancy had always told how boring it was…how boring he was.

“Ok…promise that you aren’t gonna like fuck around with me about it?”

Billy lifted his hands in surrender.

Steve sighed, moving his eyes to stare at his palms as he traced the lines drew jaggedly across them.

“I guess my biggest thing is like…old movies. Like, black and white movies…even silent ones. You know, James Dean, Marilyn Monroe? But not just them, like other actors, people don’t really know, like umm…Mickey Rooney or Donna Reed. Movies now…they usually suck. Like the special effects back then, took creativity and the dialogue was like…theatrical, and studied, and the music. Like _Over the Rainbow_. Fuck. It’s just so good. They’re timeless…and visionary…romantic.”

Steve looked up, realizing he was rambling. His neck got hot and he couldn’t look Billy in the eye.

“Never seen any movie before the 1980s. Unless…when did Rocky Horror come out?” Billy said.

“1975.” Steve replied.

“Is this why you’re so good at the movie stuff at trivia?”

“Yeah, but like it’s not the same as like the geography questions or something. It’s useless.”

“Maybe…but I don’t know any of that stuff.”

“Well it certainly isn’t like chemistry.” Steve said, folding his arms, suddenly feeling defensive.

“Maybe not, but it is still interesting, right? I mean, at least to you? People shouldn’t like or know the same things, makes life so dull. I bet some of those movies would be good, I mean James Dean is supposed to pretty cool, right?”

“Yeah, he is. I’ll have to show you them sometime." Suddenly, what with Billy...not laughing, or teasing, actually listening to him, Steve felt incredibly brave. "Could even have a movie marathon, tonight if you want? I finished my paper due tomorrow, so I'm free.”

Billy got real quiet at that, standing up suddenly. His eyes were almost glassy and he was bouncing with a nervous energy, like he was either going to bolt off back into the trees or dive into the water.

“Look…I um…I remembered I have like a ton of assignments due for P-Chem, and that class fucking sucks. So I should go.”

“Yeah, yeah ok.” Steve said, getting up and following Billy who was already halfway to the forest. They remained silent the entire walk back to Steve’s place. They got to the parking lot and Billy bee-lined for the Camaro.

Steve yelled after him, “Guess I’ll see you later then?”

Billy just shot his hand up and waved it at Steve as he kept walking away.

* * *

 

Later that night, as Steve lay in bed trying to focus on some documentary Robin made them watch together, he got a text message.

_Billy: somewhere over the rainbow…that’s the one by like…dorothy right?_

_Steve: judy garland. yes._

_Billy: cool. mom used to sing that song to me_

_Steve: that’s sweet; it’s a nice song…_

Steve decided to use the opportunity to probe further.

_Steve: studying go ok? u kind of left in a hurry earlier_

* * *

 

Steve tried to quell his migraine and embrace sleep, but his message stayed on **READ** long into the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for your kind words :)
> 
> https://open.spotify.com/track/0xCdM5c7gAAyvryNDzsOoB (this is the version of Over the Rainbow that I absolutely love, and was listening to when I wrote this chapter, but of course you can't beat the original :) )


	5. Feels good. Inside

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I’ll walk you home, Harrington.” Billy said, getting up slowly. “Um…I have class early tomorrow, so I probably shouldn’t stay up much later either.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the kind words! This is my first Steve/Billy story, and it means alot that people enjoy it :)

Steve didn’t hear from Billy all day Monday, and all day Tuesday. He didn’t really expect to…and he was much too chicken to reach out to him. They were friends, and friends didn’t need to talk every day. But Steve couldn’t help the knawing ache that settled in his gut whenever Billy popped into his head (which seemed to be at least three times a minute…maybe that was an exaggeration, but it seemed that all he could do was think of him). Billy had been so kind, and genuine and if Steve hadn’t known better he would say, that he maybe even liked Steve, as more than a friend. Steve tried to convince himself that he was making it all up, he was reading way too far into Billy’s behavior. The guy was new, like Steve, and just wanted to make friends with people he had things in common. That was all it was.

Once classes were over Tuesday, Steve headed home primed and ready to forget about any assignments he had and just fall into bed. But Robin reminded him as soon as he walked through the door that it was Trivia night, and Steve better get his sorry ass ready. Robin hadn’t been immune to Steve’s moping the past two days. She gave him pitiful glares and would sometimes mock him with an “Oh, Billy!” when Steve came in the room, but she also let Steve spill his guts if he wanted. Not that he had wanted to spill much. He just confessed to Robin, late Monday evening as they gorged themselves over pizza and one too many bong hits, that maybe, he sort of liked Billy too much to just be his friend. That he didn’t want to scare the guy off, that he didn’t want to be that guy, the one who can’t hang out with a dude without crushing on him.

Robin pointed out the fact that Steve could hang out with plenty of guys and not crush on them, including Miki and Eddie, who were in her words “so hot, they better take a ride on the fuck couch with me at least once this semester”. Steve understood that, but Robin was right. Sure he knew those guys were attractive, but it was something differently entirely with Billy. He felt vulnerable with Billy, and he felt that maybe Billy felt that way with him too.

So when Robin reminded Steve of trivia, he just face planted into the couch and moaned. Because there was the slightest possibility that one of the swimmers had invited Billy and he didn’t feel like dealing with any of the emotions that had been bubbling up the past few days.

“I don’t want to go. What if Billy is there?”

“I sincerely doubt it. He’s been back to practice I guess, but Miki didn’t mention anything about him coming. Plus he hasn’t been back since the first time he came.”

Steve nodded, and tried to swallow the lump forming in his throat. He was acting ridiculous, he knew. Even IF Billy happened to be at trivia, Steve didn’t have to become an emotional wreck over it. He got dressed and tried not to spend too much thought on his appearance, Robin clearing her throat loudly as she watched Steve fuss over the mirror in his bedroom. He was being ridiculous; a love sick puppy for no fucking reason.

* * *

 

Steve breathed a sigh of relief upon entering the bar to see only Miki, Eddie and Hayley at their usual booth. But soon his relief was filled with disappointment and he started to sweat a little from the emotional rollercoaster he was forcing himself to ride. This was so stupid. He was a nervous wreck at the potential of seeing Billy, and a bitch when he didn’t.

He threw himself into the booth next to Hayley, who immediately started to regale him with tales of a girl in her poli-sci class who she had successfully asked out on a date for that weekend, and was Steve coming to the party this Friday, and did she hear right, did he really hang out with Billy Hargrove, willingly? Steve gave Hayley little effort, not really wanting to dive deep into her love life for fear of jealousy, and sheer avoidance so he didn’t have to deal with the emotions one Billy Hargrove erupted within him.

Hayley rolled her eyes when she realized Steve was barely paying attention to her, and instead shoved the trivia card his way.

“Fine, if you aren’t going to be social tonight, you can be the scribe.” Steve barely caught the marker she threw his way, and huffed an annoyed laugh when everyone turned to stare at him, smirks on their faces.

“Steve is a little…love sick.”

“I am NOT love sick, Robin. Fuck. Just…can we just have fun tonight, and like, not try to pry into my non-existent love life?”

Miki nodded in agreement. “We need shots!” He dove out of the booth and hurried to the bar, in what Steve assumed was an attempt to grab drinks before trivia officially started.

Robin asked the table if they wanted any food to share, but before Steve could voice his opinion on the current chicken wing vs nachos debate Eddie and Hayley were engaged in he heard a familiar laugh carrying it’s way across the bar. He whipped his head around to make direct eye contact with Dustin, who was surrounded by Mike, Will, Max and Max’s boyfriend Lucas.

Steve shoved Hayley out of the way and didn’t say anything as he made his way over to the other side of the room.

“What the fuck are you doing here? You…” he pointed at Dustin, “are not 21, and I know for a fact Mike and Will aren’t either. So what’s the deal. How did you get in here?”

“That would be me, amigo.” Steve turned around so fast he thought his neck would snap. Heat crept up his chest and soon his face was flush, all because he was now face to face with Billy. Who was looking gorgeous as ever, of course, denim jacket, button up shirt buttoned just a little too low, pendant across his beautiful, soft skin that begged to be touched. Blue eyes piercing into Steve cold as ice. 

“Billy?”

“Yeah” Max piped up “He’s my brother, remember?”

“Yeah…but…I am so confused.”

“They needed fakes, so I graciously provided.” Billy said, sliding into the booth holding a pint glass of beer, switching it to his other hand as Mike made grabby hands towards it.

“You got the kids fake IDs? Are you stupid?” Steve exclaimed.

“Relax pretty boy. Dorks literally only wanted to get into this bar for trivia night. I told them they couldn’t drink.” Billy turned to the group of teenagers and made eye contact with each one as he punctuated his next point, “And if I find out any of you assholes DO drink, I’ll be the first to turn you in to the cops.” Max grumbled something under her breath, but the rest of the group looked pleased as punch with such an arrangement. Dustin was stuffing his face with nachos and Mike and Will seemed to be arguing over what to name their trivia team.

“So…you’re just hanging out with a bunch of freshman…at trivia?” Steve said.

“So you’re just hanging out with a bunch of freshman at parties?” Billy smirked back, tossing some peanuts into his mouth from a bowl on the table.

“Alright, that’s fair. But…would you want to join the swimmer’s team? I mean, better company and all.”

“Hey! I take offense to that!” Dustin said. Steve stuck his tongue out at him.

“Thanks for the invite Harrington, but I’m fine here. Have to look after my sister and all.” Max rolled her eyes and brought her and Lucas’s joined hands onto the table as if making a point that it didn’t matter what Billy thought, she didn’t need babysitting.

“Ok…well…guess I’ll see you later.” Steve said. “Dustin, we still on for Super Smash Bros tomorrow night?”

“Yep…I will kick your ass, like always.” Dustin said, not even bothering to look up from the enormous plate of food before him. Steve shook his head, shoved his hands in his pockets and turned back to join the others. Steve silently thanked Hayley for being petty enough to force him to be scribe, because he couldn’t concentrate on any of the questions what with his need to stare at Billy every five seconds. And Steve could swear that Billy was looking at him too, because every time he looked up Billy was whipping his head back towards Dustin or Max, like they had been talking all along when they clearly hadn’t been. Steve didn’t really know what to think of that. By the end of Round Two, the nerds were beating every other team by 50 points and Steve knew it was a lost cause. So he kept the shots coming

Not that it really mattered, the point of trivia was to get drunk not really win. From his occasional (ok, way more than occasional) glances at Billy, Steve had noticed that he had been nursing the same beer the entire night. Steve didn’t have such restraint. Miki’s classes the next day had been cancelled, so he took the night as a chance to take advantage of the bar’s trivia night drink specials, shoving shot after shot towards Steve. By the time Round Three was over, Steve was sure the trivia host would have no idea what the hell kind of answers he had scribbled.

* * *

 

The Dungeon Masters (seriously, these fucking kids were absolute DORKS) won, because duh, and Billy had a smirk on his face as a pitcher of beer was sent to their table. He grabbed it before any of the kids could get their hands on it, and soon he was standing above the swimmer’s table, staring directly at Steve.

“Kid’s aren’t old enough to drink, so figured you guys could use it.” Billy said, setting the pitcher down, Miki and Eddie immediately going to pour themselves a glass.

“If they aren’t old enough to drink, why are they here?” Hayley asked, giving Billy what Steve had labeled her ‘I will fucking murder you’ eyes.

“My sister and her nerdy friends like trivia, and clearly as you can see, are fucking good at it. So don’t worry your pretty little head about it.”

“What to join us?” Steve found himself asking before he had even though it through. Billy wavered a bit, swaying back and forth on the balls of his feet. He turned to look at Max and the others who were starting to grab their things, and back at Steve.

“Um…sure, why the hell not. Just let me see my sister out.” Billy headed over and Steve could see that he and Max seemed to be exchanging somewhat pleasant words. She had smacked him on the back and gave him a big smile, and then turned to look right at Steve, before grabbing Lucas’s hand and leading the boys out of the bar. Billy came back over and sat down next to Robin, at the other end of the booth from Steve.

Steve, at this point, was drunk enough to maybe perhaps say or do something stupid. But he was also sober enough to know that he may do that, and so he hoped that was enough to prevent any embarrassing interactions. But fuck, Billy was right there, and sure they had just saw one another on Sunday, but it had ended kind of strange, and he just wanted to talk to him. Make sure they were cool. But Eddie and Miki spent most of the night taking up Billy’s attention, the three of them rambling on about the university they were competing against that weekend, and the stupid drills the coach had been making them do, and Steve had found himself stuck in another conversation with Hayley about the girl she was taking out. He tried to be patient, but kept his eyes fixed on Billy’s hands, as he fidgeted with them on the table, picking at the skin around his cuticles. Steve did that too when he was nervous.

Soon it was last call, and Steve all but dove across the table to get out of the booth. He apologized to a frazzled Hayley, and ran his hand threw his hair, standing at the end of the table to find everyone staring at him expectantly.

“Um…I think I’m going to go. You guys going back to the swim house?”

Everyone looked at one another, and Miki finally shrugged his shoulders. “Yeah, I guess. I have a nice stash back at the apartment. You sure you don’t want to come, Steve?”

“No…I’m pretty tired. Um…” He turned to lock eyes with Billy, praying to whatever gods there were that he was picking up on Steve’s signals, and also praying that he wasn’t so drunk that his signals were actually that.

“I’ll walk you home, Harrington.” Billy said, getting up slowly. “Um…I have class early tomorrow, so I probably shouldn’t stay up much later either.”

Steve tried not to smile, and settled for a quick nod of his head and a mumbled ‘cool’. He waved goodbye to the others, ignoring Robin’s knowing look, and headed out the door, tingling with nerves knowing that Billy was right behind him. Once they got outside, the cold air hit Steve and he suddenly realized exactly how drunk he was. He swayed a bit on his feet, grabbing onto the wall of the bar to hold himself up.

“Hey there Harrington, I don’t have to carry your ass home do I?”

“No.” Steve said, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath. “I just…you don’t have to walk me home. I’m fine, really.”

“Well, I don’t think the swimmers would appreciate me leaving your drunk ass on the street, not that I really care. But I also think that if you died in a gutter, that Dustin kid would be pretty upset and I’m sure that would make Max upset, and well. I try not to piss off my little bitch of a sister.”

“You think Dustin would care if I fell in a gutter?” Steve asked, genuinely perplexed.

“Yeah, that kid fucking worships you. Wouldn’t shut the fuck up about you the entire night. I mean…I don’t really know what he sees in you…” Billy was smiling wide now, and one of his hands was on Steve’s back, keeping him steady. “You aren’t gonna ralph, are you?” Steve swallowed and took another breath.

“No?”

“Ok…well let’s keep it that way. Come on, we aren’t that far from your place.”

As they started walking further away from the downtown, the streets got quieter and the silence got harder to ignore. Steve would stumble every once and a while, and Billy would be there with his hand to keep him from falling. Steve had certainly been way more intoxicated before, but he didn’t like this in-between place, where he wasn’t sure if he would be brave enough to be honest, or if he was just going to make a fool of himself and potentially vomit everywhere.

About halfway to his apartment, Steve suddenly started hearing a faint voice behind him...it wasn't Billy, and it wasn't any one else, it was...it was music. Billy was walking at the same pace he had been, but he had his phone at his side, swaying it with each step he took. A song was playing, as loud as Steve figured it could go. Billy was bobbing his head to the beat.

Steve stopped and stared at Billy, raising an eyebrow.

"What? It was really fucking quiet." Billy said, showing the phone to Steve, like that would explain it all.

"What song is that?"

"Um..." Billy lifted the phone and squinted at the screen. "Heartbeats."

"Do you not know it?"

"No, I like it...just didn't know the name. I don't know. It came up on my suggested songs the other day, and I liked it."

Steve nodded his head and kept walking. Trying to focus on the song now instead of his unrelenting need to just sit down on the ground and sleep until the drunk seeped from his aching body.

 

_One night of magic rush_  
_The start a simple touch_  
_One night to push and scream_  
_And then relief_

* * *

Once they got to the apartment complex, Steve stopped at the edge of the parking lot and turned to face Billy. God, he was so fucking beautiful, his face framed by the starlight, the giant moon right above his pretty blonde head. Steve slowly licked his lips, a million thoughts, a million potentials running through his head. But he thought better of it, shaking his head quickly to try and shake the buzz out of his brain.

“Thanks for walking me home…”

“No problem, pretty boy.” Billy said, shoving his hands in his pockets, making no attempt to leave.

“Um…” Steve was suddenly nauseous. Butterflies raging in his stomach, trying to find room around all the vodka. He closed his eyes and put his hand out to rest it on Billy’s shoulder. He was not going to throw up in front of fucking Billy Hargrove right now. That was not going to happen.

“So…you feeling ok?” Billy said, words as smooth as honey.

“Maybe?” Billy laughed.

“You have to stop with the questions as answers man. You definitely don’t look so hot. How about I help you up, huh?”

And then Billy’s hands were on his waist and they were walking down the sidewalk and around the corner, and up the stairs.Steve's waist, even though Billy's touch was over his shirt, singed into him like a searing burn. Uncomfortably tingly and light at the same time. Billy nudged at Steve when they got to his apartment door, and Steve fumbled around in his pocket for the keys. Billy grabbed them from him and opened the door, slowly letting Steve step inside in front of him. He led Steve to his bedroom, and turned on the lights. He brought Steve to the bed, and set him down so fucking gingerly, Steve wondered if this was how Billy was with all the girls he brought home.

Billy stood over him, and Steve felt more calm in the comfort of his own bed.

“Water?” Billy asked. Steve nodded. Steve closed his eyes, and tried not to fall asleep. Billy was in his house. Billy had walked him home. Billy was taking care of him. He smiled and opened his eyes to see a glass hovering over his face.

“Drink up. Or you’ll feel like real shit tomorrow.”

Steve took the glass, moving to sit up so Billy had room to sit down next to him. Billy waited for Steve to finish drinking before he spoke again.

“So….” Billy put his head down, bringing his hand up to rub the back of his neck not risking a look towards Steve. “Um…the kids are like, using my place to play their stupid dragon game on Friday night. I know that Miki is having another party, but…I promised Max, and well…it would suck being there by myself. Would you…would you want to come hang out?”

Steve had had his eyes closed again, simultaneously creeping towards the edge of passing the fuck out and clinging desperately to consciousness because _Billy was in his bed._ He may be drunk, but he had _easily_ heard Billy ask him to hang out, and he was not going to fuck this up. His mouth was so dry it took him a bit to mumble out an answer.

“Um….um, yeah. Yeah, that would be super fun.” Steve looked up just in time to see Billy staring at him again, like always through his fucking soul, eyes so fucking blue. _Christ,_ Steve thought, how could someone's eyes be so god damn heartbreaking?

“Cool.” Billy stood up and headed towards Steve’s bedroom door.

“You gonna be ok without me, pretty boy?” Steve nodded and managed a smile before falling back onto the bed.

He could hear Billy shuffle halfway to the front door before he shouted out, “Wait, Billy?” Billy was back in a heartbeat.

“Yeah, Harrington?”

“Could you…I need music sometimes to get to sleep…and I’m…fuck I’m so fucking drunk dude.” Billy laughed, deep from his gut.

“Jesus. Ok, what you want me to serenade you to sleep or something?”

“No…no! I just…my laptop, there on the desk. Like just pull up Spotify or something. Please?”

Billy headed toward the laptop, opening it and clicking a few times until he turned to face Steve.

“Any requests?”

“Don’t care. Whatever…”

“Ok.” Billy spent a few minutes browsing before selecting the song he wanted.

“This was my friend David's favorite band. Always had to play them when he was wasted. It’s classic.” Wheezer started playing softly out of the speakers, Billy must have turned it down quite low in fear of disrupting Steve’s attempt at sleep.

 _Say it ain't so_  
_Your drug is a heart-breaker_  
_Say it ain't so_  
_My love is a life-taker_

Steve let the music wash over him, melting into his bed, bliss encompassing him until he could barely register a faint “see you later, pretty boy” before slipping into unconsciousness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think. Should update within the week :)


	6. Keep Yourself Warm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I should go it’s late.” 
> 
> ———————————————-
> 
> “Or you could stay here.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Long chapter but I think it’s worth it! Kind of explicit drug use in this chapter. And my first time writing smut so...be kind :)

Steve didn’t really know what to expect when he got to Billy’s apartment that Friday.

Robin had squealed a little when he told her, as per their arrangement, he wouldn’t be at the house Friday because he was going to Billy’s. He told her, he still didn’t know where he would sleep, but figured he could head back to Miki’s after the kids were done with their game. 

“Well, it’s clear as day he is into you. Ask to stay over.”

“What? Robin he told me he isn’t gay.”

“So? Neither are you.”

“I’m not going to read into it, I don’t want to make things awkward. I really...I don’t think he likes me in that way. I’m really only going for the kids.”

“Sure...keep telling yourself that.”

* * *

 

Billy had given Steve the address of his place, which was the opposite direction of downtown from Steve’s. It was a small yellow house, that looked to have two small apartments. There was a paved driveway, where Steve noticed only the Camaro. He took an Uber, because he hadn’t felt like walking in the cold.

He approached the door, painted red with a crooked plastic “2” hanging off of it, and knocked tentatively. The door flung open and soon Steve was being dragged in by none other than Dustin.

“Dude! You’re late! We already stared!”

The other kids were seated at a round folding table which was dead center in an otherwise bare living area, off to the side of the kitchen which the front door opened to. A hallway to Steve’s right led to a closed door which he assumed was Billy’s room.

The kids were seated in plastic picnic chairs and Steve felt a little sad for billy that he didn’t seem to have much in the way of home comforts. There wasn’t even anything on the walls. 

The kids didn’t seem to care though, they were enthralled in...whatever they were doing. Steve walked over to stare at them, pieces on a board and mike propping open a large notebook.

“Steve, you’re gonna play right?” Dustin asked excitedly. 

“No way. This entire...thing...nope.”

“Oh come on dude!” Max groaned. “I didn’t play before last semester. Now i know exactly how to dominate these assholes. It isn’t hard...”

“Really guys...I...it’s just not interesting to me”

“Would you be interested in listening to some music?” A voice came from behind. It was Billy, leaning against his bedroom door frame.

Max scoffed. “So you just came to hang out...with him?!”

“No.” Steve said

“Yes” Billy said, right behind Steve now, grabbing him by the sleeve and dragging him towards his room.

“I said you dorks could use my place. I didn’t say you can ruin my social life.” Billy held over his shoulder. 

And with that he shoved Steve into his room and closed the door.

“I...ahh, I don’t mind hanging out with the kids, you know”

“I know. Which..is weird. Would you really rather be out there?”

Steve shrugged.

“All they’ve been doing is yelling and knocking chairs over. I think the lanky one, Wheeler, keeps dying? He screams like he is. It’s pretty fucking obnoxious.”

“Yeah, I guess no.” Steve said. “I like them, but I’d definitely rather be hanging with someone my own age. Or at least someone that doesn’t put so much stock into imaginary dinosaurs or whatever.”

“Dragons. Unfortunately I do know that part” Billy smiled. 

Steve swayed on his feet, he and Billy engaged in a staring contest. “So...you said something about music?” He asked, allowing himself to inspect Billy’s room as he did. There were piles of clothes everywhere, he didn’t have a dresser. There was a futon in the corner, with tall floor lamp beside it, and an old beat up really comfortable looking chair in the other. A wooden desk with an older desktop computer sat along the wall opposite the futon.

There was a big green trunk at the foot of the futon, it looked to Steve to be a some sort of Army property. There were empty whisky bottles everywhere on the floor, some even at Steve’s feet,  and an ashtray overfilling with cigarette butts and roaches next to the computer.

Billy sat on the futon and stared up at Steve, micheviousgrin on his face.

“You ever done Molly?”

“Molly who?”

Billy laughed heartily. “No, Harrington. You really are a square. Molly, you know MDMA? The drug?”

“Oh, duh. Um...no. Tried Ritalin before”

“Well this is way better. I don’t have much, but figured I’d offer. Want in?”

“Now? You want to do drugs, like right now?”

“Sure. We can just hang out, listen to music. It’s not gonna fuck us up too bad. It just...ok so you know seretonin?”

Steve felt so stupid staring at Billy like he expected the right answer.

“Ok, you don’t. It’s the chemical in your brain, that makes you happy. That’s literally all happiness is, any emotion really, it’s all just chemicals in our brain. Happiness. Sadness. Love.” Steve tried to hide his blush at that. “So MDMA, it makes more seretonin. Makes you happy”

“What if I’m already happy?”

“Everyone could stand to happier, right?”

Steve pondered that for a moment and figured it made sense. And he was in college, it was a Friday. He should...experiment and shit.

He nodded and Billy clapped his hands, jumping up and heading to the desk. He reached at a knob above one of the desk drawers and pulled out a small shelf; it reminded Steve of the cutting board that his mom had that hid under the countertop.

“This was my grandfathers desk. This and that”, Billy pointed to the trunk, “are literally the only possessions I care about. My mom had them, then I got them. My grandpa actually built this desk.”

“What’s the shelf for?”

“No idea, maybe my grandpa used it the way I do” Billy smirked, pulling a small baggy from his pocket filled with whitish-brown powder.

Steve watched in awe like he had when Billy rolled cigarettes. This wasn’t his first time doing this, evidently. He poured a small pile onto the shelf and then took out his wallet grabbing a card and methodically scraping out the powder into two parallel lines.

“Is that your student ID?” Steve asked.

“Yep, very useful” Billy smirked.

He then reached into the ashtray and produced what looked like a small straw. He turned to offer it to Steve.

“Guests first.”

“How do you know that stuff is what you think it is...like what if we like, I don’t know die with the kids just outside”

“Relax Pretty Boy. It’s fine. If anything, it’s with baking soda or some shit.”

“But how do you _know_?”

“You really haven’t done this before have you?”

Steve tried to stand his ground and seem confidant even though his heart was beating out of his chest. He didn’t feel pressured. He was genuinely curious. Miki has offered him some molly just the other weekend but Steve had had a test that Monday and just...didn’t feel like it. He felt comfortable with Billy but was nervous all the same. It was fucking illegal drugs for Christ sake.

“I made sure it’s good. First, it looks like molly the color isn’t as white as cocaine or meth can be. And I know the kid I got it from, he’s in one of my chem classes. So I assume the asswipe wouldn’t sell me shitty stuff unless he either wants me to kick his ass, or get busted for selling fatal drugs. And third, I made him do some in front of me, so...” 

“What?”

“Yeah, that’s what you do Harrington. Get the shit and make your dealer take a line, before you do. Rather him than me.”

Steve rolled his eyes but felt strangely more at ease.

He took the straw and walked up beside Billy, leaning down, placing it up his right nostril. He had snorted drugs before, but didn’t know what this one would feel like. He took a deep breathe threw his mouth, then covered his left nostril and just went for it all in one go.

It burned a lot more than Ritalin ever did. His eyes felt wide and suddenly his throat tasted as if it was being coated in gasoline.

He opened his mouth to take a gulp of air but it didn’t help much.

Billy took his line and then was standing in front of Steve smiling wide. “The drip is the worst part. But you’ll get used to it.”

Steve wasn’t sure what to do now. His body was feeling tingly and pulsating. Like electricity was rushing through his veins like flood water. He felt the need to at least walk around, which wasn’t the easiest with how small the room was.

Billy however seemed content to just sit and he pulled his phone out, scrolling through.

“Want to listen to a good band?”

Steve nodded furiously, hoping the quick movements would help get the jitters from his bones.

Billy pointed towards the chair in the corner. You can sit down if you want”. 

Steve did so, but began bouncing his knee, feeling like he was going to burst from the need to move. He need to dance or run or anything but sit.

Billy seemed almost sedated, relaxed. He settled on the futon, leaning back on his elbows and went back to his phone.

Suddenly quiet notes of a song came drifting over Steve, and he noticed a blue tooth speaker next to the computer.

Steve didn’t recognize the song, but it was melancholy, definitely not something to dance to.

“This is my favorite band right now.” Billy said confidently. 

Steve nodded and closed his eyes, trying not to focus on the fire raging in his stomach.

_It takes more than fucking someone_

_you don’t know_

_to keep warm_

_Do you reall think a fuck at half speed_

_you’ll find your love in a hole?_

Steve enjoyed the song, the artist was clearly foreign and the flow was mesmerizing.

But his brain, nerve endings firing on all cylinders from the molly, was driving him mad as he registered each lyric. He tried not to think into it too much, pushing the wild racing ideas out of his head only to have to chase after a new one.

Billy had shown him how vulnerable he could be through music. So why should this song be any different?

“I love that line.” Billy said as the song faded out.

“Which one?”

“The chorus. “Takes more than fucking someone to keep warm.” People think it’ll make them feel whole or something”

“This coming from the guy who sticks his tongue down girls throats in public.”

“Yeah, well. I always know what I’m getting myself into. Who says I fuck them?”

“So what you’re a virgin or something?”

“No”

“I guess it’s a nice thought.” Steve said, thinking then of Nancy, how he had always thought what they had was love, that sex was so much more than just the physical act. But to her, it had all been bullshit. She left him out in the cold.

“You a virgin?” Billy asked. 

“Nope.”

“I bet you were a real ladies man in highschool huh?”

“Not really. I...ahh...I’ve only had sex with one girl. My ex girlfriend.”

“I see”

“What about you?”

“Wouldn’t you like to know”? Billy smirked. 

“Don’t do that shit man, you started this conversation.”

“Fine. No I’m not a virgin. I’ve also only had sex with one person too...well I guess technically two.”

“What do you mean technically?”

“Well I had a threesome once, with umm, the person I lost my virginity to, and so...all the other times were with them.”

“What was that like?”

“What, a threesome?”

“Yeah”

“Not as fun as you’d think”

Steve grinned and got hot suddenly, wanting to burst out and ask Billy if he’d been with a guy and a girl, or two girls, or maybe even two guys. Not that it mattered. But before he could say anything more, Billy put on another song.

This one was equally, if not more of a downer than the first. Steve pointed this out.

“I’m dying over here man! I need to like move, this music is so depressing”

“That’s the point. It’s sad bastard music. Just listen to it.”

“Oh, so are you the sad bastard in this?”

“Maybe. I just relate to it.”

Steve fell quiet at that and tried to listen to the song, tried to understand whatever it was Billy was trying to tell him. 

_There’s a place in my head_

_it must be called the Super Motel_

_I can stay the whole night_

_and think about the girl in her shell_

Steve settled a little, concentrating on the meaning behind the song Billy had chosen. Steve snorted to himself at that line, “I can stay the whole night”. That’s exactly how his mind fucking worked.

He hated that he often felt so stupid, that his parents, Nancy, Jonathan, hell even Tommy, didn’t ever think he amounted to much. Like he was some brainless excuse for a living thing, never thinking of anything worthwhile.

But Steve’s head never shut up. He could never leave it. He thought of a lot of things, things he didn’t know, and things he wanted to know. Most of the rest was filled with doubts and blue anger. Why didn’t he know what he wanted? Because he was stupid. And then he would get angry all over again because he wasn’t stupid. He just...didn’t have a way to prove that to other people.

“I like this one. It explains what...how I feel.” Steve was surprised he was so open with his feelings in the moment; he blamed the drugs. 

“Me too” Billy said.

* * *

 

When the song finished, Billy jumped up then, and stood over Steve. “Let’s get pizza. I bet the kids want some.”

“We can’t be around the kids now. Your eyes are like fucking saucers.”

Billy bent over to stare at Steve. “So, yours are too. 

Steve rubbed them, like that would help any. “I doubt they’ll notice, come one.” Billy said casually, opening the door loudly, stomping into the living room.

“Alright dweebs. We’re getting pizza.”

The kids started hollering what toppings they wanted but Billy yelled over them.

“Nope. Steve and I get to pick. You deal with it.”

Steve smiled to himself as Billy, however ordered three pizzas, one just cheese, one half pepperoni and half sausage and one with veggies. Covering most of the favored toppings, and Steve figured the kids would be satisfied.

They spent the twenty minute wait time sitting on the floor under the kids watching them continue their game. Steve tried to concentrate and see if he could figure out any of what was happening, but he was much too lost. 

Billy was siting cross legged picking at the shag carpet, occasionally snickering towards the kids or meeting Steve’s wide eyes.

When the twenty minutes passed Billy stood up. “Ok, Steve and I are going to walk and pick up the pizzas. The place is right down the block. So like, don’t fuck my place up while we’re gone”

“Yeah guys! Be careful of all of Billy’s beautiful decor” Max said. Billy stalked over to her at that, and stuck a finger in her face.

“Don’t be a little bitch ok? I’m letting you hang out here.”

“Whatever” she said. Billy stood up straight, tugging his jacket down, and turned to Steve.

“Let’s go. I could use a fucking walk”

The air was much colder than Steve hoped big it helped clear his nose; the taste from earlier was disappearing and he was grateful for that. Being able to move helped a lot too. He felt like he could fly. He tried not to walk too far ahead of Billy, who was walking straight but didn’t seem to have the same need to move as Steve did.

Steve thought of Max and the way Billy spoke to her. He remembered the time at Walmart when she screamed at him about being an asshole. He broke the silence a few houses down. “You do drugs often?”

“Meh” Billy grunted. 

“That is not a committed answer.”

“I smoke a lot. Helps calm me down before class and shit. I don’t do molly that much, got this stuff for pretty cheap so...figured I could use some tonight”

“Kids make you that depressed?”

“Not really. Just...wanted to have a good time.”

“I like it. I wish I could do more than this though.”

Billy stared hard at Steve then. 

“I don’t mean it like that, I’m enjoying hanging out. I just mean like, fuck I feel like I could throw a car or something.”

“That’s only because it’s your first time. You get used to it.”

“How often do you do this shit?”

“I said not much.”

“Come on man, I saw all those bottles in your room.”

“That’s different. I need that to sleep”

“You need whisky to sleep”

“Yep.”

“You an insomniac?”

“Something like that”

“Me too, sometimes. What else have you tried?”

“Um...nothing too serious. I mostly...I don’t usually do that shit for fun.”

“What does that mean?”

“Like I said, the chemicals and shit? Usually use it to ahh...feel something other than what I normally do.”

“That is very astute observation, does it count as drug abuse if you know why you do it?”

“Who knows man. I don’t abuse shit, not anymore.”

“So you used to?”

“What is this? Another interrogation? Let’s just get the fucking pizza.”

They made it back to Billy’s house and the kids were packing up their game. They ate in silence as the kids bickered and yelled and blabbered on for what felt like ages about nothing in particular. Dustin would bring Steve into the mix once and a while, talked about how good he was at Smash Bros and that the party should have a video game night soon. Steve agreed to have the kids over to play sometime. He was pretty sure Robin wouldn’t mind them using her tv, since she let he and Dustin use it. 

Around 10 o’clock Max stood up and declared that she and Lucas were leaving. The kids groaned at that and Mike uttered “gross” under his breathe. Not wanting to stay at Billy’s without Max, the other kids got up to follow. Steve, at this point almost sober again, stood up to leave too.

Billy stopped him as he was the last to leave.

“Want to stay? We can play video games if you want. I got a new one that’s pretty killer.”

Steve remembered than that he couldn’t go home, with Robin taking up the apartment with her friend or whatever. He realized that he definitely couldn’t stay here, Billy didn’t even have a decent floor to sleep on; but it would kill time. He nodded and called after the kids.

“I’ll see you later!”

Max laughed when Dustin started protesting. 

“Dude! You are willingly associating with this asshole?”

“I willingly associate with you” Steve retorted and Dustin snorted. 

“Touché. See you around then!”

And then they were gone.

Billy and Steve went back to his bedroom where Billy showed him the game he had gotten, Portal. It was pretty fun, more basic than most of the games Steve played, more of a logic puzzle.

It was on the computer so only one of them could play at a time, but they established a good rythym. Steve would play the game while Billy messed around on an acoustic guitar he had. Billy would play and Steve would flip through the stack of books Billy had on the floor by his bed.

“So if I wanted to start reading...like for fun. What should I try first?”

Billy paused the game and spun in the computer chair smiling at Steve. He got up and settled across from him on the floor. 

Billy rummaged through the stack of worn and old books, and pulled one out handing it to Steve.

“Cats Cradle.”

“Vonnegut is the best. And easy to read. Fun, like sci fi, kind of, but like...you like the sad bastard music, you’ll like this.” Steve nodded as Billy went back to the game.

Steve settled onto Billy’s futon bed, hoping it wasn’t too presumptuous. He leaned against the pillows and stretched out, determined to read a book. 

It was hard at first, Steve hadn’t read for fun like ever. But after the first few pages, which he read twice, he was starting to get into the story. Soon he found himself engrossed in it. He had never read anything like...whatever this story was before. He didn’t know books could be like this.

Something about the odd wisdom that came off the pages, the strange metaphors and characters spoke to Steve in a way he didn’t think literature could. Before he knew it he was halfway done with the book. He only looked up when Billy moved enough to make the chair creak, stretching out and groaning.

Billy turned to face Steve. “You like that?”

Steve snapped his attention up. “Umm..yeah. It’s, it’s fucking amazing.”

“Cool.”

Steve looked then at the clock on Billy’s wall. It was already 2:30 in the morning.

He put the book down and carded his fingers through his hair. He then realized that it was raining out, maybe even hail with the noise it made.

“I should go. It’s late”

Billy stood up.

“Fuck. Um...actually I have to call Miki” Steve went to take his phone out of his pocket but Billy stopped him, saying

“Or you could stay here.”

Steve stared at him. He couldn’t read Billy’s face, he looked tired and a little strung out. But a ghost of a smile, maybe, faced the gorgeous blondes face.

“I mean, it seems like a bad storm out. And I don’t think you should walk. I mean...I can drop you off at home if you want...”

“I can’t go home. I’m kicked out for the night, Robin has some guy over.”

“Oh. Then stay here. Miki and them are probably three sheets to the wind by now.”

“Where am I supposed to sleep?”

“Futons big enough for two people, so don’t make it weird”, Billy said like it was that easy. 

Steve smiled, and then quickly let it fall. He couldn’t make it weird. He nodded. 

“Ok, um. I have to go the bathroom, and then, I’ll probably go to bed. Staring at that screen made my eyes fucking twitch. You can stay up if you want, read more.”

“Nah. I should sleep too.”

* * *

 

Steve didn’t know if he should sleep in his clothes or not. He just sat at the edge of the bed until Billy came back in only his boxers and a gray T-shirt. Steve took that as a green light to take off his jeans.

“I like to sleep against the wall” Billy said, and Steve nodded. Billy crawled into bed, and got situated under the covers. Steve crawled in after, facing away from Billy.

“Could you get the light?” Billy asked. Steve nodded and turns off the bedside lamp.

Steve was as far from Billy as he could possibly be without falling off the bed. Billy didn’t have any curtains or blinds so the street lamp outside cast an orange dull glow through the window directly on the floor next to the futon. The rain continued to hammer the roof, and Steve watched the shadows from the drops dance across the floor. He kept his gaze at the ground, repeating a quote from the book he’d read in his head, trying not to focus on Billy’s heavy breathing. 

_There is love enough in this world for everybody, if people will just look._

“Hey” suddenly Billy was grabbing Steve by his shoulder and pulling him onto his back. He was propped up on one elbow, above, flitting his gaze from Steve’s lips back up to his eyes. 

Steve wasn’t sure what Billy was doing; the boy above him was breathing so heavy he thought maybe he was having a panic attack, or something from the molly. But then Billy’s gaze got darker and he blurted out,

“Fuck...I really want to kiss you”. Billy said it so quiet Steve almost couldn’t make it out. But he knew what was said because his cheeks were suddenly on fire. He didn’t know how to respond. He felt like he’d short circuited. 

So he just let the rest of him decide what he wanted. 

“Ok...” he nodded and then Billy’s lips were on his and fuck it was exactly like Steve had pictured it. Better than he pictured it; his lips were so soft and he tasted like whisky and cigarettes and ash and then Billy’s hand was on Steve’s face, caressing his jaw and tucking his hair behind his ears and then he was on top of him, sliding one leg between Steve’s and slowly grinding him into the mattress.

Billy pulled away from the kiss and kept one hand on Steve’s face, the other gently sliding down Steve’s chest to rest on his hip.

“Is this ok?” Billy asked, still whispering as if they weren’t completely alone.

“Fuck yes, umm... yeah. This is great...you...ah, I’m sober now, are you...”.

“I’m so sober I can’t believe I’m doing this.” Billy said and then he was leaning down to catch Steve’s lips again. 

He and Billy just kept kissing for what felt like an eternity in heaven, and Billy’s hands were everywhere, in Steve’s hair and down his chest and playing with the happy trail from his boxer shorts.

Steve couldn’t help but moan at that, and then Billy’s hand was palming him through the fabric.  

“Can I make you feel good baby?” Billy asked and Steve melted at that, shaking his head furiously and reaching down to wrap his hand around Billy’s wrist keeping him in place.

Billy smiled, but not like his usual shit eating grin, but a real smile and his gaze fell to Steve’s waist. Before he knew it Steve was completely naked and Billy settled between his thighs and his mouth was around Steve. 

It was so much better than he’d ever had before. So much better than Nancy even, and like Steve had been in love with her or whatever. And it wasn’t just the innate pleasure of it all, he was tingling all over because he couldn’t believe it was Billy who was making him feel this way. He threaded his hands into Billy’s curls and let himself go, whimpering and moaning and repeating Billy’s name until he was  coming into Billy’s mouth and then Billy was back up, hand gently caressing Steve’s face, stoking his cheek as Steve came down from his high. Steve blinked and stared into Billy’s eyes and Billy kissed him then, slow and tender and tasting like Steve.

“That was fucking amazing” Steve said,  and Billy laughed at that, wrapping an arm sound Steve’s waist.

“Wasn’t too bad Harrington.” But his tone said exactly what Steve felt. He placed his head on Steve’s chest and they fell asleep just like that, wrapped up in one another, breathe in sync.

* * *

Steve woke up to Billy pressed into his side, his hard on quite evident. Steve has slept like a fucking baby and didn’t have a headache like he thought he would, and Billy had given him a fucking blow job, and called him baby, and it may have been the best night of his entire sorry excuse for a life. 

Billy stirred gently, and Steve couldn’t ignore the dick pressing into his hip, so he decided to return the favor. He turned slowly into his side so he was facing Billy. 

“Billy...” he whispered. Billy moaned quietly and snuggled closer to Steve. 

“Can I touch you?” Billy nodded, keeping his eyes closed. Steve reaches carefully under the waist of Billy’s boxers, wrapping his fingers delicately around Billy’s hardening cock. 

Billy began to moan quietly and slowly fuck into Steve’s hand, Steve picking up the pace when Billy groaned his name. 

Billy kept his eyes closed the entire time and barely moved, just lay there making the most beautiful noises Steve had ever heard, and before it even got started he was shaking, tensing up and spilling into Steve’s hand.

Steve moved slightly to cuddle closer to Billy and Billy wrapped his arms around Steve so he could hold him in place. Steve resting his head between Billy’s shoulder and neck. 

They lay in silence for a while. And maybe it was the high from the night before, or the high from being in Billy’s arms but Steve just said it. He had to. 

“I could get used to waking up like this” he said, not really thinking about it, just feeling it,  it just came tumbling out.

And then Billy’s eyes snapped open. His beautiful blue eyes were much darker now, but not like they had been the night before, instead menacing almost. He moved so fast, Steve fell off his chest and onto the mattress. He grabbed a hold of Steve’s  hand that was still wrapped around his softening dick and pushed him off. Billy sat up and moved into the corner of the bed, like a scared animal hiding from its prey.

“Get out” he said

“What? Billy, hey I’m sorry, I...”

“I said get the fuck out Harrington.”

So Steve did. He tumbled off the bed and tugged on his jeans, forgetting about his boxers, grabbing his shirt and jacket and putting them on messily as he walked down the hall towards the front door.

Steve didn’t have his wallet, but he wasn’t going to go back for it. His phone was nearing 10%, so he prayed that Robin would pick up his phone call.

“Hey dude, it’s like 730 in the mornin, and I’m kind of busy...”

“I know and I’m sorry. Could you pick me up. I don’t have my wallet and my phones gonna die and fuck. It’s so cold”

“Are you ok?”

“No...yes. Just can you?”

“Yeah, yeah. Where are you?”

Steve gave her the address and if she knew it was Billy’s place, she didn’t say anything. She got there within 15 min muted but by then Steve felt like he had frostbite. 

“Dude what the fuck?” Robin said as he slumped into the passenger seat.

“Also you reek of cigarettes and sex.”

“Ummm thanks?”

“Where were you, who lives here?”

“I really don’t want to talk about it. Just like...pretend this didn’t happen, please?”

Robin didn’t say anything just began driving. Steve thumped his head against the window and closed his eyes, trying not to obsess over every moment he and Billy had spent together.

And trying to get that stupid song out of his head.

_ It takes more than fucking someone to keep warm... _

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Billy keeps fucking up! Next chapter within the week! 
> 
> Songs mentioned: 
> 
> Keep Yourself Warm: Frightened Rabbit
> 
> That’s Some Dream: Good Old War


	7. Big Scary

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Ok, if I tell you guys something you have to PROMISE you won’t fucking say a word, alright?” 
> 
> The kids nodded quickly, hoping that would draw whatever Max had to share out of her faster.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: mentions of suicide

Steve didn’t leave his room the rest of the weekend; secretly hoping that Billy would reach out to him, but also hoping that he didn’t.

Steve couldn’t help but feel like he’d fucked up. Exactly how, he wasn’t sure. All he knew was he seemed to keep scaring Billy away.

He tried his best to rationalize it. Steve remembered what it was like when he first realized he liked guys the same way he did girls. Maybe Billy was having that moment too. Steve felt a little lightheaded at the idea that maybe he was the first guy Billy was attracted to, but it was quickly washed away with more feelings of guilt.

Sunday afternoon, despite Robin attempting to entice him with fresh pancakes and repeat viewings of _500 Days of Summer_ , which she claimed cured all heart-breaks, Steve stayed in bed, watching his favorite movies instead. 

 _Casablanca. West Side Story. Breakfast at Tiffany’s._  The fact he happened to choose all romance films was not lost on him. 

Steve resigned himself to stay in bed, like, forever, because like relationships suck and people suck and he didn’t feel like chancing running into Billy on campus ever. After the third film I’m his rotation ended, he tried to hear himself up to maybe go grab a snack, like chocolate, he wanted and need so much chocolate, but before he could move his cellphone rang, causing him to nearly jump out of his skin.

His heart stopped, thinking momentarily it may be Billy, but he rolled his eyes dramatically when he saw it was Nancy. He did NOT want to talk to her, but being polite as he was, and having had ignored her for the last few weeks, he answered.

“Hey”

“You’re alive! He’s alive!” She exclaimed, to Jonathan, Steve assumed.

“What’s up Nance?”

“Just seeing how you are. How are you enjoying school?”

“It sucks”

“Really? Why?”

“It doesn’t suck. I...just now isn’t the best time.”

Nancy gasped loudly, causing Steve to lull the phone away from his ear. “Steve Harrington! I know that tone! Are you in love?!”

“You know that tone Nance because...fuck, I don’t really want to talk about this.”

“I’m sorry Steve. I didn’t mean to make a joke, I just...I thought we were friends.”

“We are! I just...we haven’t talked about this stuff...before. I don’t want to make it awkward.”

“It’s not. I...I’m here to listen.”

Steve sighed. If anyone understood, in whatever fucked up way she did, it was Nancy. So Steve just let it out, started from the beginning, explaining about Billy and how they first hung out, how gorgeous he was when the faint winter sun hit his face, how he was sarcastic and mysterious, but gentle and caring. How Steve had fucked up and now he was stuck, alone, again.

“It doesn’t sound like you fucked anything up, Steve. It sounds like this Billy guy is a douche.”

“He isn’t a douche...I don’t know what he is.”

“Well you have to decide if he’s worth it. Have you tried reaching out to him?”

“No, I doubt he wants to talk to me.”

“Ugh, boys. Ok, text him. Be honest, ask him what’s going on. And if he’s still a douche, well, you at least showed that you care.”

Steve contemplated that, and figured it might not be worth the additional heartache. Billy wasn’t like anyone he had ever met, the guy was oddly too open, yet too closed off about his feelings. Steve had no idea how to deal with that.

“What if he’s an asshole to me?”

“Then you move on. You don’t deserve someone like that Steve, you deserve someone who is honest about what you mean to them.” Steve almost laughed at that, but tried to see Nancy’s advice for what it was, not the hypocritical statement it appeared to be. He realized in that moment, the pain she had caused him suddenly paled in comparison to how he felt now, about Billy. His whole world had gone completely dark.

“Ok. I’ll reach out to him.”

“Good. And call me if you ever want to talk?”

“Ok”

Nancy spent the next twenty minutes catching Steve up about school and all the great things to do in NYC. Steve agreed to let her and Jonathan visit over spring break, since he had refused to go home and they were planning to visit Mike anyway. Steve hadn’t seen the point in venturing back to Hawkins just to sit alone in his big empty house. His parents were going to Bali or Bermuda or who the fuck cared? 

When he finally hung up, Steve lay in bed for a while, trying to figure out exactly what he would say to Billy.

He put his playlist on shuffle to try and help him focus. 

_And I’m kissing you_

_lying in my room_

_Holding you until you fall asleep_

_And it’s just as good as I knew it would be_

_Stay with me I don’t want you to leave_

God, Steve listened to too many fucking love songs.

He picked up his phone and decided to take Nancy’s advice. Be honest. Be bold. 

_ Steve: hey. im not sure wtf happened the other night, and im sorry if I did something...i just really fucking like u _

Steve was surprised and suddenly nauseous when he saw the three dots pop up showing Billy was responding right away. 

_ Billy: Nothing happened Harrington  _

_ Steve: how can u say that?  _

_ Billy: look we are not friends, ok? I can’t do this with you. So just leave me the fuck alone  _

Well. Fuck.

* * *

 

Steve maybe skipped his classes the rest of that week and avoided the swim house and trivia like the plague. Robin must have said something to the rest of their friends because no one bothered him, not even Hayley. But of course it took only all of 36 hours of ignoring Dustin to have a stoop full of kids banging on his door come Thursday night.

Steve had spent that day choosing to stay in bed and eat bags of Doritos and watch serial killer documentaries because he needed to be reminded worst things existed in this world than his stupid love life.

He answered the door a little too quickly, mind still focused on the slim possibility that it may be Billy. He was wearing a gross T-shirt and basketball shorts. All five kids raised their eyebrows at his disheveled state.

“Steve! You skipped out on trivia. And THEN you skipped class yesterday. And NOW you won’t answer me about Super Smash Brothers. What is going on?”

“Nothing is going on. I just haven’t felt like doing anything.”

The kids barged into the house, settling on the couch and “fuck couch” which Steve winced at when he though about it.

Steve slowly followed them and slumped onto the edge of the couch next to Max.

“This is about my brother isn’t it?” She said suddenly. 

The four boys all turned to face her wide eyed. Dustin gritted his teeth. “I knew he was an asshole! What did he do Steve, after we left on Friday. He try to fight you or some shit?”

“He didn’t try to fight me.”

“That’s not what I mean.” Max said and Steve stared at his hands.

“What do you mean?” Lucas asked.

“You like, like him, don’t you?” Max asked, not daring to look at Steve for fear she stepped over the line. 

“YOU LIKE BILLY HARGROVE?” Dustin exclaimed and the other kids gaped their mouths open like they were catching flies.

Steve stayed silent. He did not want to be talking about this with his dorky freshmam friends, especially fucking Nancy’s brother and Billy’s sister.

“He likes you. I can tell.” Max said, casual. She reached over to grab Steve’s hand so he would look up at her.

“He’s a real blockhead, I know.”

“Yeah, but why? What the fuck did I do?” Steve said, exasperated. He stood up and ran his hand through his hair nervously. 

Max shrugged. “Probably nothing. He’s...he’s in a delicate place right now.”

“What the fuck does that mean?” Mike asked, suddenly sounding possessive over Steve’s happiness.

“Ok, if I tell you guys something you have to PROMISE you won’t fucking say a word, alright?”

The kids nodded quickly, hoping that would draw whatever Max had to share out of her faster. Steve nodded slowly, breathing in harshly, his mind racing with a thousand what if’s.

But what Max had to say wasn’t one of those thoughts, not even close.

“Billy’s boyfriend killed himself last fall.” 

The air went stale and silent. The boys almost fell off their seats they were so on edge. Will clamped his hand over his mouth, Lucas moved to glare at the floor. Mike and Dustin squinted at Max as if she had said something downright impossible. 

“What?!” Steve exclaimed. 

“He um...his name was David. He and Billy grew up together. It was my fault...”Max said, and suddenly her stern demeanor complexity crumbled. Her eyes started to gloss over, and her nose got red. She bundled her hands in her lap and moved her gaze to Lucas. Steve figured it was easier to talk to a more comfortable face. 

“Billy was home for Thanksgiving, and I didn’t know he had a fucking boyfriend. Why would I? And..I hurt my wrist on my skateboard, and Neil had to leave work to take me to the ER and...no one was supposed to be home. So Billy had David over and...”

“And...” Lucas pressed. 

“Neil was SO MAD. He always gets mad at Billy but...this was different. I think he tried to hurt David but Billy...took the brunt of it. I guess Neil knew David’s parents so he told them, told them their son had corrupted Billy or some shit and...well David’s parents aren’t much better. Billy tried to sneak out, but Neil took the Camaro and his phone and locked him in his room.”

Steve let out a quiet “fuck” and went to sit back next to Max. 

“He made Billy quit Columbia, told him that NYC was full of faggots. He wasn’t even going to let Billy go back to school, but...Billy agreed to come here with me and, I don’t know. Neil thinks there aren’t any gay guys in Indiana or something. He isn’t stupid, he wants Billy to finish school. But he keeps close tabs on Billy, comes up to surprise him. Keep him in line. Last time he said if he found anything out he was sending Billy to a psychiatric hospital or something” she finished, bitterly.

“What happened to David?” Steve whispered. 

“Day before we came out here for the semester, Billy got a call from his friends. I guess he...took a taxi to some bridge..and...I’d never seen Billy freak out like that before. I though he was going to fucking destroy the Camaro.”

Steve jumped up, pacing the room. He screamed so loud the kids jumped out of their seats. “Fuck!”

“Steve...I...”

“I have to go talk to him.” Steve raced into his room and threw on jeans, grabbing his jacket and rushing towards the door.

“Steve!” Max yelled, “I don’t know if that’s a good idea!”

But Steve was ignoring her, realizing his phone wasn’t in his jacket and running back to grab it.

“Steve!” Max yelled again. But he just rushed by again, opening the front door. 

“HARRINGTON!” Steve stopped at that, turning to Max, eyes wild.

“What?!”

“I...Billy, if he hurt you, if he isn’t acting...he probably isn’t in a good place right now. I don’t know if you should see him...it might make things worse.”

“No Max. First off you can’t tell me what to do. And second, he needs someone. I want to help” and before she could protest again, Steve was out the door.

* * *

 

He made it to Billy’s in record time despite the snowfall. His mind had been blank on the walk over, save one thought, “just get to Billy”. He knocked on the door softly, but began pounding on it when several minutes went but to no avail.

Billy finally ripped open the door, wearing nothing but boxers, eyes heavy, looking like a wreck. His facial expression didn’t change upon seeing Steve.

“What the fuck do you want? I told you to leave me alone.”

And Steve should have known it was a stupid idea, but he didn’t know what else to say.

“Max told me about David.”

Billy’s eyes went wide at that, and he lunged at Steve grabbing him by the collar and tossing him into the apartment. He spun on his heels once the door was closed, and stalked towards Steve until he had backed him into the kitchen and against the counter.

“Why the fuck would she tell you about that?”

Steve’s pulse was racing. He wasn’t scared of Billy, exactly. But the weight of what he’d just done caused him to start shaking.

“Billy...I...I care about you...so...I asked...”

“And the little bitch just couldn’t keep her mouth shut.” Billy snarled.

“Look, don’t be mad at Max ok? I wanted to know....I...”

“I don’t give a fuck what you wanted to know!” 

“I’m sorry...but Billy, I want to help you..”

“So your first fucking thought is to ask my sister about My business?”

“No...it wasn’t like that...”

“Because she can’t keep her mouth shut when she hears a good sob story. Were you being a fucking whiny bitch Harrington?” Billy said boxing Steve into the counter by placing a hand in either side of him.

“No, Billy...I...”

“Couldn’t stand getting rejected, huh pretty boy? Just used to getting whatever you fucking want?”

“Billy, I care about you! Ok! I like you...”

Billy laughed maniacally. “Oh! Well then! Thank god for King Steve, coming to save me!” Billy leaned in closer to Steve and snarled, “You must think I’m an idiot Harrington, to ever want someone like you.”

“Billy, you can’t say that. I know you like me too...and I’m sorry about David..”

“Don’t say his fucking name.” Billy said, jutting a finger in Steve’s chest. “Max may have told you some things but she doesn’t have any fucking idea about him. She just feels fucking guilty.”

“Don’t blame Max, she...she is sad for you Billy, she wants to help”

“Help what? I don’t need a sister like her,  I don’t need friends, or anyone to fucking help me, ok? And I especially don’t need you.”

Billy backed off after that, taking a step away, fists clenched at his sides. He was breathing fire, staring right through Steve. Steve waited until his own breathe was under control, before slowly reaching out towards Billy.

“Can I touch you?”

“No.”

Steve nodded, dropping his hand.

Billy opened his mouth and shuddered it closed. He moved his glare to the floor, taking deep breathes, nostrils flaring, clenching his fists tighter. When he looked up at Steve, his expression had hanged. He looked like a lost kid, face red. Tears pooling in his eyes, Billy kept squeezing them shut to keep a full breakdown at bay, but a raced down his cheeks.  His voice, though, was still jagged like glass.

“You have NO idea Steve, NONE, about my life. You don’t have the right...you don’t even know me. How could you possibly like me?”

Steve sighed, not sure exactly what to say. The words were there, in his head, but he couldn’t...he didn’t know how to string them together. Then he got an idea.

He pulled out his phone and opened Spotify. He found the song and before he could think better of it, played it.

_ You were a hard faced kid _

_ That was new on the block _

_ And a lone life force _

_ Thay nobody could stop _

_ You had a mind of black and gold  _

_ And every shade in between _

_ you were a paper back boy _

_ With a slate so clean  _

 

Billy didn’t look up at Steve, but his fists unclenched a little as the music continued.  

_ so come on  _

_ so come on  _

 

_ You were my heart shaped queen  _

_ On your way to school  _

_ You were a paper back girl _

_ Back before it was cool  _

_ You were a bird shot down  _

_ With your feathers all red _

_ Shth your face turned up  _

_ And your arms outstretched  _

_ now come on _

_ now come on  _

 

The song continued without any lyrics for about 2 minutes, but to Steve it felt a fucking lifetime. He watched as Billy closed his eyes, and slowly let the tension leave his body. His fists starting to unfurl, his shoulders slumping. Steve stepped closer, and closer and the song played, until he and Billy were breathing the same air. He watched as the tears finally spilled free from Billy’s eyes in quiet sobs. 

Steve reached up to gently wipe the tears from Billy’s cheeks, and Billy gently pushed his face into Steve’s palm. As the song finished Billy opened his eyes, boring into Steve’s.

Steve shut his Spotify off, and switched his glare to his shuffling feet, taking his hand from Billy’s face, the other boy slowly chasing after it with a nod of his head.

“Fuck.” Billy breathed, as if it were the first word he ever spoke.

Steve didn’t want to push Billy, he wasn’t sure if what he wanted to say was the right thing or not. He kept his eyes to the ground and took a deep breathe.

“I like you, for so many reasons Billy. And I’m sorry. For everything. For pushing you and for wanting you and I’m sorry about what you’re going through. I just...I want to be here for you.”

Billy looked up and Steve did so too, meeting his tired eyes. Billy moved then towards his room.

Steve ran his hands through his hair as he followed.

Billy fell into the bed and opened the covers.

“Do you want to just...sleep here? And we can...we’ll talk in the morning?”

“Yeah...yeah I can do that.” Steve got into the bed and turned his back to Billy.  But Billy wrapped his arms around Steve’s waist and shoved his face between Steve’s shoulder blades, letting out a contented sigh. Before Steve knew it Billy was fast asleep. Steve lay wide awake all night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp. There it is. Things get happier from here on out, slowly, but surely. 
> 
> Songs: 
> 
> K.-Cigarettes After Sex 
> 
> Thinking About You-The Big Scary


	8. Can’t Lie on My Bed Without Thinking I Was Wrong

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Are you gay?”Steve asked, Billy’s wide eyes tuning him into the fact that his abrupt question probably wasn’t the best idea at such a time. “Sorry...fuck.” Steve said running his hand through his hair quickly. 
> 
> But Billy’s face softened a little, and he picked Steve’s chin up with his index finger so they were forced to meet eye to eye.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So! I have not forgotten this story! The past month has been crazy; my grandmother was in the hospital and I have had to move back in with her to help out. Haven’t had much time to my hobbies, but I’m back :) *also the season three trailer! I’m a nervous wreck in anticipation*

Steve awoke to the sun shining through Billy's windows, masking his eyes in a dull heat. Spring was finally coming, which Steve was grateful for. His mood always changed for the better once the snow melted.

He had kept his jeans on during the night, unsure exactly how he should act around Billy. When they had approached the bed, the younger boy had just taken off his jeans and t-shirt, climbed into the bed and turned his back, facing the wall.

Steve had slowly let himself fall into the bed, but certainly hadn't gotten much sleep.

Now that he was coming into full consciousness he realized that Billy's arms were wrapped around his waist, his breath tickling Steve's ear. Steve's stomach erupted in flutters, but he quickly steeled himself, trying not to get his hopes up. He was here as Billy's friend above anything else; he didn't want to cause the other boy any further damage with assumptions or pressure. 

Steve turned slowly so he was lying on his back. Despite telling himself he wasn't going to fall into an emotional ease with Billy he began playing with the fingers sprawled across his own stomach. Billy began to slowly stir, nuzzling his nose into Steve's neck.

Billy snapped his eyes open, but greeted Steve with a smile. Steve let out a breathe and smiled softly back. Billy let Steve go, and sat up, stretching. He then moved to lay on his back as well, and the two let their breaths fall in tandem.

"Want breakfast?" Billy said, breaking the tension. "It's Friday, so the diner next town over is open. It's the best."

Steve nodded, turning to face Billy who was still staring at the ceiling.

"That would be great."

Billy turned to face Steve and smiled again, playful yet exhausted.

"Let me take a shower first? I haven't left this bed in like...three days. Sorry I'm gross."

"It's fine. I'm pretty gross too. You're fine, go. I'll wait for you here."

Billy stared at Steve for a few moments, as if he was contemplating asking something. But he just reached over to gently brush his thumb over Steve's lower lip, and then he was up, off the bed and stalking briskly to the bathroom.

Steve closed his eyes and tried to quiet all of the thoughts rushing his brain.

What did all of this mean? He still was head over heels for Billy, he didn’t know if he would be able to restrain himself around the blonde. Steve just wanted to kiss him, absorb all of his pain. But he also knew that probably wasn’t what Billy needed. 

Steve had no idea what the fuck to do. He had never been in such a situatio. He had never known anyone who had...died the way Billy’s boyfriend had. He didn’t even know anyone who had gone through that before. He could only imagine what Billy was feeling, and if what he could imagine was anything to go by Billy was a fucking wreck. Steve lay still, focusing on the popcorn ceiling above him, counting to ten over and over again. Nancy’s voice popped in his head: “You’re bullshit.” Fuck. How was Steve supposed to help Billy? 

* * *

 

"So Max...she told you about David..."

Steve nodded slowly over his cup of coffee. Billy swallowed, turning his gaze from Steve to the plate of food in front of him. He picked up his fork and began making swirls in the syrup dripping off his hotcakes.

"What else did she tell you?"

Steve sighed. "Um...not much, really. A little about your dad...I...she didn't need to say much, I got the gist of it."

Billy kept moving his fork slowly across his plate, nodding to himself, the drag of metal on porcelain causing Steve to blink in a nervous tick.

When Billy picked his eyes back up, they were glassy, his cheeks red.

"Yeah. Well not much to know about him, I guess. Other than that he's a fucking piece of shit."

"I'm sorry." Steve blurted out, reaching out to grab Billy's hand, but stopping just before he could wrap his fingers around the fist Billy had resting on the table. He let his hand hover over Billy's for a beat, before pulling it back.

"Nothing to be sorry for, pretty boy. Just the way it is."

Steve didn't know what to say to that, so he began to pick at the omelet on his plate. They finished eating without another word, the only noise their quiet chewing. Billy downed his glass of orange juice in one go, then cleared his throat.

"Look...I'm sorry I kicked you out. That was...I don't really know why I did it...”

"Are you gay?" Steve asked, Billy's wide eyes tuning him into the fact that his abrupt question probably wasn't the best idea at such a time. “Sorry...fuck.” Steve said, running his hand through his hair quickly. 

But Billy's face softened a little, and he picked Steve’s chin up with his index finger so they were forced to meet eye to eye. 

"I mean...yeah. Obviously. I'm sorry I lied to you about that...it's not the easiest thing for me to share with people. Coming out isn't' like, a one time thing you know?"

Steve did know that. He hadn’t so many things he wanted to say, but decided he was going to keep his mouth shut and let Billy explain himself.

“So what did Max say about David?”

"That he was your boyfriend."

"She think that? Well he wasn't..." Billy said, a little too sharply. He took a deep sigh and gestured for the waitress to come back to the table, ordering another orange juice. Steve declined another cup of coffee, the nerves of the situation making him jittery enough. Once the waitress came back with Billy's drink, the blonde began circling the cup with his finger. Now he was looking everywhere but Steve's face.

"I loved him." Billy said, so quiet Steve had to strain his head forward to make out the words.

"At least, I think I loved him. I...we had planned...we were friends, since we were kids. We did everything together...and it sucked when I went to Columbia and had to leave him behind. The first two years of college I didn't come home; always made up some excuse for the old man, like a paper or summer internships. But David...I couldn't be away from him any longer, so I came home for Thanksgiving. It was my fault, I was so stupid..."

"You mean...because your dad caught you?"

Billy nodded, swallowed again thickly, his fingers continuing to circle the rim of his glass.

“Max fucking fell off that stupid skate board. Hurt her wrist or some shit. Neil wasn't supposed to be home. But..."

Steve didn't stop himself this time from grabbing Billy's hand. The other boy unraveled his fist and let Steve rest his hand in his palm. Steve tried not to be shaken by how cold and clammy Billy felt.

"Dad knew his folks from work, David's."

"They...weren't supportive?"

Billy huffed. "You could fucking say that. I tried to help David see there was a way out... but he...he did what I've never had the guts to do though, so. I can't really blame him."

"Jesus Billy, don't fucking say that."

"Why not? It's the truth.” Billy took his hand back and curled it into a fist again, clenching tight until his fingers were taut and red.  His voice was shaking as he stared directly into Steve’s eyes.

“You don't think the thoughts never crossed my mind? You know how ironic it was that he and I lived in Cali, in fucking 2018, and we had to hide in the closet? Because of my fucking dead beat excuse of an old man? I was doing fucking well, I was fucking good" Billy let his eyes fall to meet Steve's now, his expression more hardened, his cheeks now red with anger. "I was doing fucking great at school. I was damn lucky my dad let me go in the first place, but I was out...and free...and I can't go back to this caged mess Steve...I've tried, and...I just can't anymore. My dad...he fucking keeps tabs on me, watches what I do, especially with Max around. I had to come here, it was the only way to keep going to school. He thinks he can keep me in line by being Max's taxi service."

"Max would never say anything, though right? She cares about you Billy."

"She wouldn't unless she was threatened. Wouldn't put it past Neil. Plus, I’m not...she shouldn’t have to feel obligated towards me. I treat her like shit.” 

"Fuck...Billy...I don't know what to say. I'm sorry. I want to help you..."

"Haven't been much help to me so far, Harrington." Billy said, but he had a smirk on his face, his tone light. Billy took a deep sigh, and sat up straighter. He reached over to grip Steve's hand tight, keeping his eyes on where their fingers were gently touching one another. "You probably think I’m insane...but I can't go through that again Steve.”

"So...what does that mean, Billy? You going to keep dating girls?"

"Fuck no, Harrington. I mean...that was the plan. I have one more year until I'm home free...I don't fucking know. I figured I could...just hide it. Not even give Max a reason to suspsect anything. Just lay low. But I had to fucking meet you. Now..." Billy got sheepish then, whispering his next words into the space between them.

"Won't have time for chicks if I'm dating you."

"Me?"

"Yeah...I...I really like you too, if that hasn't been made clear. And I'm sorry for being such a fucking asshole. I'm always going to be an asshole...but. Now you know, why. So."

"So...who says I want to date you?" Steve asked, hoping Billy wouldn't take offense at his attempt to lighten the mood.

"Everyone wants a piece of this, pretty boy." Steve laughed and brought his hand back to his lap. He knew his cheeks were growing red, could feel the heat blooming across his face. He tried to swallow his nerves, tipping his empty coffee cup up to try and grab a few remaining drops.

"So...my place, tomorrow night? I'll make you dinner and we can build a blanket fort." Billy said, matter of fact.

"A blanket fort? What are we 10?"

"Come on! It's the best way to hang out, and watch movies. You can show me what makes James Dean or whatever so amazing."

"You want to watch old movies with me?"

"Yeah. I mean...you like them, and I like you. So. Don't make it such a big deal, Harrington."

* * *

Steve couldn’t keep the grin off of his face as they got into the Camaro; he wanted to ask Billy if they could just spend the day together, but he also wanted to respect his space. 

They drove in silence a few blocks before Billy spoke up. 

“Don’t worry your pretty head too much their Harrington.” Billy kept one hand on the steering wheel, and reached over the center console to grab Steve’s. 

“I really should...go home and get my shit together. Can’t expdct you to be charmed by my disgusting mess of an apartment.”

”I don’t mind.” 

“Well I do.” 

Steve tried not to feel disappointed as Billy turned left down the main road back towards campus, headed towards Steve’s. 

Billy let go of Steve’s hand long enough to turn on the radio, and fumbled with his phone he had in the front cup holder. 

Steve burst out laughing at the song that came over the radio. 

“Really?” 

“What? I’m feeling in a good mood.”

”isn’t this song from...what’s that movie...”

”Lost in Translation.” Billy said. 

“No...not that one. The one with...um...Jack Black.”

Billy huffed, but it was tinged with endearment. “Shallow Hal? Really Harrington? I thought you had good taste in movies.”

”Well, guess you’ll have to educate me then, if you’re taste is so superior.”

”I think we can learn from each other.” Billy smiled at Steve, wider than he had all morning, moving to crank up the volume.

_Can’t you hear it calling, oh yeah_

_Everybody’s shakin, oh yeah_

_Tonight everything is over_

_I feel too young_

Billy was singing off tune and so loud, Steve couldn’t help but burst into laughter. As they drove down down the road, windows cracked, sun shining, Steve let himself just breathe, exist. He didn’t know what would happen, but he knew he wanted to be around Billy as long as he would let him.

He let his arm hang out the window, inhaling the fresh spring air. A new beginning. 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos and comments are what I live for :) I will be updted much more frequently again!


	9. I’ll Go Wherever You Go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It got Steve thinking about the small things that he enjoyed. A few weeks prior, when Billy had encouraged Steve to open up about who he was and what he liked Steve had been stuck. It was hard to even understand it himself, and the world had taught him that even if he could explain it, it wasn't worth it. His parents certainly never cared what Steve enjoyed; the fact they had forced him into his current major was evidence of that. And Nancy had always tried to get Steve to be the person she wanted; someone who didn't smoke, someone who didn't want to go to highschool parties, someone who wanted to play D&D with her little brother. Steve was bullshit to her, and he never felt anything but. 
> 
> But now...now with his brain firing on all cylinders, his eyes so wide he felt he could finally see Steve never wanted to hide who he was again. At least to Billy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Updating now while I’m not too busy!

Steve walked into his apartment on cloud nine. Billy had dropped him off, albeit Steve didn't actually get out of the parked Camaro until they finished a good 15 minute make out session, and he could not be happier with how things had seemingly worked out. 

 

Robin was sitting on the couch, still in her pajamas, watching Grey's Anatomy on her tablet. She was so engrossed that when Steve crossed the threshold and leaned against the closed door, she jumped ten feet off of her seat at his contented sigh. 

 

"Fuck dude!" She screamed. 

 

"Sorry." Steve drawled, clearly not sorry at all. He floated over to the living area, crashing face first onto the bed. He flipped over slowly, smiling at the ceiling like a damn fool. 

 

"You look like a fucking idiot. You finally get laid?" Robin asked. 

 

"Better than laid." 

 

Robin snorted, reaching to pause the tv show. "Can't miss a second of this. Lexi is about to confess her love to Sloan." 

 

"I think I'm in love." 

 

Robin huffed again. "Already? Doubtful." 

 

Steve rolled to rest on his arm, slowly blinking at Robin who was staring right back at him, determined look on her face. "I...at least am falling in love. I have never felt this way before." 

 

"Not even with...what's her name? Goody two-shoes?"

 

"Nancy? Not even with Nancy. This...this is real." 

 

Robin rolled her eyes so dramatically Steve thought they would stay at the back of her head permanently. She signed again, shifting to better face him. 

 

"Real? With Billy Hargrove? Seriously?"

 

Steve sat up and scrunched his eyebrows at Robin. He knew that Robin was probably sick of hearing about his pining; but he didn't think she had the right to judge Billy. Sure, he had led everyone to think he was straight. Or at least into chicks on the side. That didn't really matter to Steve; he knew how hard coming out could be for some people. Billy could be...coarse, but as far as Steve knew he had never been an asshole to Robin. Rude, maybe. But still. 

 

"Why say it like that?"

 

"Steve. Come on. I mean sure, the dude is literally sex personified. But...he isn't exactly, like boyfriend material? Miki says he never goes to practice, he's about to get kicked off the team. And he's trashed all of the time, or fucked up on something." 

 

"That is not true. I have never seen him fucked up." 

 

"Yeah well, how often do you really hang out with him? And didn't you do molly with him or something?" 

 

"How the fuck do you know about that?"

 

"Eddie's friend is in Billy's chem classes. Says he doesn't even need to sell to anyone else, the way Billy buys him out. Plus, I may have put two and two together. Last week when I picked your sorry ass up; I can tell when someone is strung out."

 

"Well that should tell you that he isn't like, a druggie or something. I don't really do that stuff much, but.." 

 

"But what? He wanted you to try it with him?"

"Why are you so uptight about this? I know you do that shit with Miki." 

 

"Yeah, like once a month. I'm not judging, ok. Just...I want you to be careful. That shit can be dangerous. And Billy...seems like that kind of guy." 

 

"What? Dangerous? You're deranged." 

 

"Whatever Steve." Robin huffed, turning back to her lap to start again what she had been watching. They sat silent then, the quiet voices coming from Robin's tablet filling the air between them. 

 

" _it’s like you’re a disease. It’s like I am infected by Mark Sloan and I just can’t think about anything or anybody and I can’t sleep. I can’t breathe. I can’t eat..."_ one of the characters, Steve figured was Lexi or whatever, was saying. He rolled his eyes and shot up off the bed, moving to storm between Robin on the couch and the coffee table. 

 

"Look Steve, just. Don't let him break your heart. Guys like him aren't usually worth it." 

 

Steve turned to stare at her before shutting his door with a little more force than necessary. He was fucking 23 years old. He didn't need to throw a temper tantrum. 

 

But he wanted to fucking break something. Or punch a wall; he used to do that a lot, before Nancy taught him how to breathe, and control his frustrations. Usually it was over his parents, calling again from wherever, missing a concert, or leaving for winter break, fuck even his birthday. 

 

He didn't need to get so irritated by Robin, she didn't know what she was even talking about. She barely saw Billy, and as much as Steve considered the swimmers his friends, he was sure they were pissed at Billy for missing practice. They probably cared more about their standing then the reasons Billy was skipping out. 

 

He threw himself on his bed, eyes clenched shut, trying to focus on how it felt to have Billy's lips slot between his, the gentle whisper of the other boy's fingers under the hem of his shirt, the way Billy tasted and smelt. Like cigarettes and ocean. 

 

He lay there for a few minutes before he decided he needed something more to calm his nerves. He went to his desk and took out his small stash, a dime bag he bought off of Eddie the week prior, and began packing his tiny bowl. His phone vibrating in his pocket startled him. 

 

All of the tension immediately left his shoulders when he saw the message light up across the phone screen. 

 

_Billy: is it strange that I miss you already?_

_Steve: no...i may miss u 2_

_Billy: so I know I said I'd make you dinner tomorrow night ...but how about I take you out tonight too?_

_Steve: I would really enjoy that_

_Billy: cool. want to hang out before that. I could come pick you up?_

_Steve: most definitely_

Steve jumped up from his desk, abandoning his bowl, opening the door hastily. He began a beeline for the bathroom, but before he could shut the door Robin called after him.

 

"What are you doing?"

 

"Going to be out of your hair." 

 

"Jesus Steve, you're so dramatic. Finally going to class?"

 

"Fuck..." Steve began scratching the back of his neck. When was the last time he had gone to class? "Um...no. I will next week. Um...I'm going to Billy's." 

 

"Didn't you literally just come back from there?"

 

"Don't you have some stupid soap opera to watch? For someone who is so into romance, you really aren't the most suportive friend..." 

 

"Be mad at me. I don't care. But I do care about _you_. Just be careful, is all I am saying." 

 

Steve let out another sigh, before heading into the bathroom. He shut the door a little quieter this time. 

 

He put on music as he showered, trying to focus his thoughts on spending time with Billy and not what Robin had said. 

 

* * *

 

"So what do you want to do?" Steve asked, as Billy led him back into his bedroom. It was mid afternoon at this point, and both had decided on the drive over they weren't hungry yet. Billy fell onto his bed, wagging his finger at Steve, gesturing for him to join him. 

 

Steve sat down next to Billy, and the other boy's hands grabbed onto Steve's hips like a magnet. He began absentmindedly playing with Steve’s belt,  ghosting his fingers along Steve's waistband, as he spoke. 

 

"Doesn't matter to me Harrington. We could watch a movie, or play video games...or something...something else." 

 

Steve smiled and turned his gaze to Billy, who was lying on the bed, lips parted, eyes filled with pure desire. "I like that idea." 

 

Billy sat up abruptly, shifting around Steve to grab the coat he had thrown at the end of the bed. 

 

Billy dragged the coat into his lap, fishing his hands in the right pocket. He pulled out a small plastic bag. Steve couldn't tell exactly what it was, it didn't look quite like what they had done the week before. 

 

"Let's have some of this first." Billy said, licking his teeth as his blue eyes bore into Steve. 

 

"What...what is it?" Steve asked. 

 

"Coke." 

 

"Cocaine?" Steve spluttered. 

 

"Yeah...what, too good for it?"

 

"What? No...I just. Have never done coke before." 

 

"Seems there is a lot of things you haven't done before, pretty boy." 

 

"I don't know...I like weed man, but..." 

 

"But what? Do you trust me?"

 

Steve nodded furiously. Because even if he shouldn't, he did trust Billy. He trusted how safe he felt with him, he trusted that he felt wanted. He trusted that Billy could make Steve feel important, and whole. That who he was was ok. He trusted that he wasn't bullshit. Billy had been honest with him, let Steve into his life, had been vulnerable. He had earned Steve’s trust. 

 

"What if I don't like it?"

 

"So you don't like it. Doesn't hurt to try. I...see the way you look sometimes, I know how you feel. Alone, right? Well you aren't. I think you're pretty fucking cool, Harrington. So forget about everything else, it's just you and me." 

 

"Yeah...yeah. Ok." Steve said, a thin smile gracing his lips. Billy smiled wide, sticking his tongue out and wagging it at Steve. 

 

"Cool." Billy moved to open the bag, dipping his pinky finger into the mound of white crystals. He pulled it back out and stuffed his finger in his nose, inhaling deeply. 

 

"The drip is way worse with this, so...I have an idea that won't make it so harsh." 

 

Steve just nodded slowly, eyes trailing Billy's hand as he dipped his pinky back into the bag. Billy brought his hands to Steve's mouth, grazing Steve's lips with his index finger, twisting his pinky closer to where Steve's lips were slightly parted. 

 

He gently pried Steve's mouth open with his finger, sticking his pinky against Steve's tongue. The taste was fucking awful; Steve's eyes went wide and he moved to jump away from Billy and spit out his finger. But Billy brought his other hand to grip Steve's neck, keeping him still.  

 

"Easy there pretty boy. Just..suck." 

 

So Steve did, inhaling sharply through his nose. Once he figured Billy's finger was licked clean, he pulled back slightly, Billy removing his finger along with a trail of saliva. 

 

"So fucking hot." Billy said, and then he was crashing their lips together and shoving Steve against the bed. 

 

* * *

 

Steve realized quickly that cocaine was one hell of a drug. How cliche; but how very accurate. Before he even could comprehend where the time had gone, or what he and Billy had been doing, he was sure he had taken at least three more 'bumps' (as Billy called them), and was now leaning over Billy's desk to snort his first full line. 

 

"Coke isn't a one and done thing," Billy had said. "You have to keep the momentum going."

 

They had long forgotten any dinner plans; not that they needed food. In between lines, Billy and Steve would walk around his house, sit back on the bed, move to the floor, make out, hands roaming, anything to keep their bodies occupied as the fire burned through their veins with a deep ferocity. 

 

And they talked. Neither of them shut up. They talked about anything and everything, yet nothing really at all.

 

Billy rambled about chemistry, how beautiful it all was. How it explained every single living organism on the planet. How you could boil any substance down to its particles, that when you looked at the world at such a finite level, nothing truly mattered. 

 

Steve nodded along, pretending he understood even half of what Billy had said. He was struck however by Billy's sheer passion, how his voice would speed up when he would jump from this conversation to that, trying desparetly to put into words all the facets of the world that lit him up. or as Billy would put it "keep me alive." 

 

There were a lot of things that apparently "kept Billy alive." Trees; cats; a good book. Steve could understand that to an extent. He so often awoke wondering exactly what his place was in this world; it was nice to find someone who held appreciation for their role in the universe. 

 

It got Steve thinking about the things that he enjoyed. A few weeks prior, when Billy had encouraged Steve to open up about who he was and what he liked Steve had been stuck. It was hard to even understand it himself, and the world had taught him that even if he could explain it, it wasn't worth it. His parents certainly never cared what Steve enjoyed; the fact they had forced him into his current major was evidence of that. And Nancy had always tried to get Steve to be the person she wanted. Someone who didn't smoke, someone who didn't want to go to highschool parties, someone who wanted to play D&D with her little brother. Steve was bullshit to her, and he never felt anything but. 

 

But now...now with his brain firing on all cylinders, his eyes so wide he felt he could finally _see,_ Steve never wanted to hide who he was again. At least to Billy. 

 

"I want to change my major." He blurted out as he and Billy sat crisscross facing one another in the middle of his bed. Billy had been mid rant, Steve wasn't exactly sure what about, but he didn't seem to mind at all the interruption. 

 

"Totally! You hate that math shit, right?"

 

"I do. I hate it so much. I'm not fucking good at it. It's so boring." 

 

"Fuck yeah. So do it! What do you want to do instead?"

 

"I...I'm not sure. Just not...math."

 

"Ok...we'll figure this out." Billy said, moving to sit on his heels, boring his eyes into Steve, his face lighting up like a Christmas tree. Looking as if they had found a treasure map or some shit, and together they could solve the puzzle. 

 

"Ok...so you hate math, so that eliminates a few things. Engineer, anything science related, you could be a teacher, but not elementary. You would need a focus, like history or something. You like history?"

 

"Not really..." 

 

"English?"

 

"Dude, you know I just started reading." 

 

"Right. Hmmmm....well...ok. Close your eyes. Sit still." 

 

Steve laughed and bounced a little, reaching out to grab onto Billy's strong arms. "I can't sit still right now. I'm too hyped up." 

 

Billy laughed right back at Steve, and grabbed a hold of him to steady him. "Yes you can, just concentrate. Ok...close your eyes." He reached over and wiped his palm down Steve's face, catching his eyes lids with the pads of his fingers. Steve let his eyes fall shut and he took a deep breathe. His throat still tasted putrid, like it was covered in a heavy film of motor oil. It burned as he inhaled deeply, but he tried his best to focus on Billy's calming voice. 

 

"Ok...it's five years from now...you would be..how old?"

 

"28." 

 

"Ok. 28. It will be 2024..." 

 

Steve huffed a laugh at that. 

 

"Are you gonna take this seriously or not?" Billy said, his voice tinged with amusement. 

 

"Totally. I'm 28, its the future."

 

"It's the future. What do you see." 

 

Billy's face flashed behind Steve's eyes. He took in a sharp breathe, and even though his brain was screaming at him, he kept that part to himself. He took another breathe trying to focus. 

 

"Um...I'm at the summer camp." 

 

"Summer camp?"

 

"Yeah. Camp Nowhere. It's like the kid's camp everyone in Hawkins goes to. I...it's beautiful." 

 

"Ok. You're at the camp. Why is it beautiful?"

 

"Everyone is happy." Steve said, like it was a given. 

 

Billy laughed, and gripped Steve's hands that were settled in his lap. 

 

"You are such a sap, Harrington...ok. Everyone is happy. What are you doing there?"

 

"Showing the kids how to tie a knot. For the game we're going to play." 

 

"So...you're like the camp counselor?"

 

"Yeah. I worked there for a few summers, in highschool. It was great." 

 

"Ok, you're helping the brats tie a knot. Anything else." 

 

Suddenly, Steve remembered a moment his second summer at Camp Nowhere. Little Bonnie Brigg's face, she had only been 7, popped into his head, her face scrunched up and crying. 

 

"Bonnie is crying." 

 

"Who the hell is Bonnie?"

 

"This little girl at camp; she was in my group. She was always crying. She was one of the kids that got to go on scholarship, like from the local church or something. She would always come crying. And she was so small. Second summer she came with bruises all over her arms. Her dad said she fell or some shit, but.." 

 

Billy pulled away from Steve quickly, suddenly coughing into his fist. Steve began opening his eyes, but Billy stopped him with a swift hand covering them. 

 

"Nope! Not done yet. Ok...so Bonnie sounds like she has a fucked up dad." 

 

"Fucked up family. I don't know, she would always talk about how she loved the food at camp. It was always "so much food, Mr. Steve" even though, like it was a normal amount. I don't know. My camp manager always thought she was hungry." 

 

"So Bonnie has a fucked up life. Why do you care?" Billy asked, but he did so in such a gentle manner, his voice but a whisper as it reached Steve's ears, he knew it wasn't a criticism of Steve, but rather a genuine question. 

 

"Because. No one should have to deal with that. I could always make her laugh, and she would talk to me, more than any of the other counselors. And once she learned how to tie the knot, she was so much happier. Like...like she had finally done something." 

 

"Sounds like you helped her out." 

 

"I tried to." 

 

"Ok. Open your eyes." 

 

Steve opened them slowly, not really sure why he was so afraid to do so. Billy was grinning wide at him, and reached over to rest his hand on Steve's right shoulder. 

 

"You should totally go into social work." 

 

"What?"

 

"You know, social work. Like be a social worker." 

 

"Don't they write welfare checks?"

 

"Dude! Come on. I'll give you a pass on that one, I'm assuming your richie-rich parents spew that shit all of the time, right?"

 

"I don't know. You can go to school to be a social worker?"

 

"Yeah, it's a lot more than helping with 'welfare' and all that. But don't use that word, it's not cool. You can do all kinds of stuff, work in hospitals, or with kids. Even at summer camps. I think. You could help all kinds of Bonnies." 

 

"How do you know so much about it?" 

 

"My mom was a social worker." 

 

"Really? What did she do?"

 

"All kinds of stuff. She was always busy helping somebody."

 

"That's really cool..." Steve realized then that this was only the third time Billy had mentioned his mother. He wanted to badly to ask more, but he wasn't sure how Billy would respond. 

 

"Think about it. You could make an appointment with the head of the department, learn about it. Can't hurt."

 

"Yeah...my dad would fucking kill me." 

 

"Who cares? It's your life, right?"

 

Steve nodded. He was then hit with a wave of nausea, his eyes drooping heavy. He fell onto his back and stare at the ceiling. 

 

"Ok! Don't fall asleep. One more line." And Billy was up off the bed, sitting at his desk, pulling out his student ID card and the little plastic baggy. 

 

"We need music." Steve heard himself say. 

 

Billy didn't respond, but in a few moments time a melody began playing over the speaker and Steve let the music replace the flow of cocaine, his brain returning to it's rapid fire pace, the nausea subsiding. As the chorus kicked in, Billy stood over him offering another pinky covered in white powder. Steve took the finger into his mouth, locking eyes with Billy who was staring at him with a look Steve had never had anyone give him before. It made him fucking swoon. 

 

_But there are answers here that I am trying to figure out._  
Since all your questions got harder to dodge and dip around.  
And there is nothing wrong with my lifestyle no matter how many times I tell myself  
to breathe in  
hold it, hold it, now let it out.

 

He could definitely get used to this. 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hoping I can keep posting regularly and finish this up soon :) 
> 
> Song mentioned: Backflip by The Front Bottoms


	10. We Could Waste a Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Billy laced their fingers once again, and focused on the screen. After a few minutes he gave Steve's hand a reassuring squeeze. 
> 
> "This is great. Thanks for letting me...vent or whatever." 
> 
> "Anytime." Steve replied, smiling at the other boy, even though, as Billy took another deep chug of the whisky, deep in his gut Steve didn't feel that things were great for Billy at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Posting before the weekend, as I have a huge event coming up for work. Wish me luck I’m ready to rip my hair out!

Steve woke up with a blinding headache and the inability to breathe threw his nose. His nostrils felt compacted, like he had a wicked cold but without the need to sneeze, not that he wanted to. Sneezing would probably make it worse if the pain in his head was anything to go by.

 

The sun shining through Billy's windows didn't help his current state so Steve flipped over on his stomach, burying his head into the pillow. 

 

Billy was passed out next to him, shirtless of course. Steve didn't remember falling asleep, but he did remember most of the previous night. He and Billy had done what Steve assumed was _a lot_ of cocaine. Although at this point in his life, any cocaine for Steve was a lot of cocaine. 

 

While he certainly hated how he felt now, he had enjoyed himself. He had felt emboldened, carefree. He felt that much closer to Billy; the other boy had listened to Steve, really listened, and was genuinely interested in helping him find a better life. If cocaine helped with that, well Steve wasn't going to shit on it. 

 

Billy suddenly groaned next to him, his hair sticking up wild, curls drooping over his eyes. A smile crept along his face as he made eye contact with Steve. 

 

"Morning there pretty boy." 

 

"Mornin" Steve mumbled. 

 

Billy wrapped his arm around Steve's waist, pulling him tighter against his side. "You feel ok?"

 

"Headache." Steve said, burrowing his head further into the pillow, as if the cushion of it would consume him and rid him of his pain. 

 

"Yeah, that happens. Let me get you some water." 

 

Billy jumped up and ran to the kitchen. Steve found himself drifting back in and out of consciousness, clinging to the last tethers of sleep. He jolted awake when Billy slowly crept back into the bed. 

 

"Sorry. Didn't mean to scare you. Here, drink this." 

 

Steve slowly sat up, and took the glass from Billy. He downed the entirety of it, rapidly blinking his eyes to adjust to the light in the room. 

 

"What time is it?"

 

"2." 

 

"Like in the afternoon? Fuck." 

 

"Hey, the day is still young. We should go to the store.  I seem to remember I promised you dinner." 

 

"You don't have to..." Steve objected, wincing slightly as the simple act of speaking heightened the sharp pain in his temple. 

 

Billy brought his hand to gently cup Steve's cheek. "You ok?"

 

"Yeah...no...I get...um, I get headaches sometimes. Usually when I'm stressed out, but..." 

 

"Fuck. I'm sorry.” Billy kissed Steve quickly, as if gifting another apology. “Listen, why don't you stay here, I'll run out and get food and stuff. You need an aspirin?" Steve shook his head slowly. 

 

"No, won't help. I have...um stuff at home. Like prescription. But I should be ok...I just have to...lay here for a minute." 

 

"I can get you your meds. Give me your keys, tell me where they are. I'll be out anyway." 

 

"You really don't have to, I'll be fine." 

 

Billy brought his hand to wrap around the back of Steve's neck, massaging it gently. He leaned down and carefully pressed a chaste kiss to Steve's lips, pulling back to bore into him with his bright blue eyes, still wide from the night before. 

 

"I want to." 

 

Steve nodded and pushed himself down, so he was once again laying against the bed. "My keys are in my...my jeans I think. My meds...are in the cabinet in the bathroom. Have my name on them." 

 

Billy nodded, and crawled off the bed. He grabbed Steve's pants from off the floor and found the keys. He smiled softly back at Steve, and grabbed his own pants and shirt from the day before, changing quickly. He ran a hand through his messy hair, before leaning back down over Steve. 

 

"I'll be back soon. Sleep, ok?" He bent down and placed a gentle kiss to Steve's forehead, Steve smiling as Billy brought the covers up closer to his chin, tucking him in. 

* * *

Steve woke up again to find the day had turned into night. His nose wasn't as stuffy this time around; he could actually notice the faint smell of chicken or something filling the air. His head didn't hurt as bad, enough that he could at least open his eyes. The darkness helped. He saw a glass of water and his meds sitting on the end table next to Billy's bed. 

He sat up slowly and grabbed the bottle, swallowing two dry before finishing off the glass of water. He didn't feel like putting on jeans, instead stumbling out of the room in just his boxers. 

 

As he walked down the hallway he could hear Billy rustling around in the kitchen. Steve smiled as he recognized The Smiths playing quietly in the background. 

 

_To die by your side,  
_

_Is such a heavenly way to die_

He turned the corner to find Billy, still in yesterday's clothes, in front of the oven, stirring something in a steaming pot. 

 

"Hey." 

 

Billy turned quickly towards Steve, a smile on his face. He put the spoon he was stirring with down and walked over to Steve, slowly, as if he were planning to pick up a delicate china doll. He carefully snaked his arms around Steve, pressing his hands into the small of the older's boys back. He reached up and brushed hair out of Steve's face. 

 

"Hey yourself. You feel any better? I didn't want to wake you up." 

 

"Yeah. I feel a lot better, took my meds so that will help." 

 

Billy tugged Steve closer, slotting his leg between Steve's things. "Good. I was worried about you." 

 

"I'm ok." Steve whispered, as he let his forehead fall against Billy’s. "Smells so good in here. What are you doing?"

 

"Making dinner." 

"You really didn't have to do that..." 

Billy gave Steve a look that playfully said 'shut it', causing Steve to blush and look at where their bodies were tangled together. 

"This is nice. Thank you." 

Billy pulled away from Steve to focus his attention back on whatever was boiling on the stove. Steve wasn't exactly sure where to stand, or what to do, as Billy's apartment remained pretty bare. 

"You can hang in my room until this is done if you want." 

"That's ok; I like spending time with you. Plus I've slept long enough." 

Billy nodded and moved to open the oven. Steve's eyes went wide as he watched Billy pull out a roast chicken followed by a sheet pan holding what appeared to be a loaf of bread. 

"Seriously dude, this is insanity." Steve laughed, moving behind Billy to pull himself up on the kitchen counter. 

Billy laughed heartily. "Not really."

"So you cook this good for every guy you like?"

Billy snorted, turning to Steve. "I cook like this always" winking at Steve. 

"Seriously?"

"Yeah, well when I do cook. It's relaxing. And easier than people think." 

"I'm sure; baking bread doesn't sound like a huge ordeal at all." Steve said sarcastically. 

"It's really not. It's like chemistry; it IS chemistry. Just have to know how to follow the procedure." 

Steve smiled down at his feet as they dangled off the countertop. His heart had swelled at least two sizes; he was overwhelmed with how kind Billy was being, how doting. As if he could sense his tension, Billy turned away from the oven, moving to box Steve in, placing a hand on either side of him on the counter. 

"Stop thinking so much. I like this...my mom used to say that cooking for someone is the greatest gift you can give, because you put so much care into it. I want to do something nice for you. So just accept it." Steve took his gaze from the floor up to Billy who wasn't smiling, but rather staring at Steve in awe. He let Billy card his hands through what Steve knew was his disgustingly messy hair, tilting his head into Billy's palm, closing his eyes, just letting himself be. 

"Ok." He whispered. 

"Ok." Billy said back, turning back to the stove. "Now go sit down at the table, I'll bring everything." 

Steve jumped off the counter top and moved to sit at the picnic table in the center of Billy's living room. He laughed to himself. Billy's apartment was the epitome of 'bachelor pad'. Steve began thinking of ways to help him spruce it up. 

"You need like...real stuff." 

Billy huffed a laugh as he sat a plate in front of Steve. Steve sighed in content looking at the spread before him; a slice of chicken, some mashed potatoes and what looked like glazed carrots. Billy had cut him some bread too. 

"Like what?" 

"Like a lamp, or curtains." 

"Nah. Got everything I need. No point in wasting my money." 

Steve wanted to say that he would be happy to get Billy anything he wanted, but decided against it. 

"Wine or beer?" Billy asked as he made his way back towards the kitchen. 

"How about just water." Steve laughed. Billy came back with two glasses of water and his plate, finally sitting down across from Steve. 

"Don't hold off on my account. Eat up." 

Steve happily began digging in, moaning in pleasure at the first bite. 

"This is fucking really good." He said over a mouthful of potatoes. 

Billy hummed in agreement. "Yep." 

Steve laughed as he shoved more food in his mouth, "How humble of you." 

"What? I know I can cook. No point denying it, especially when it is this fucking good." 

Steve shook his head in amusement, he and Billy finishing their meals in silence. Steve declined a second plate, despite how great the food was. He was suddenly feeling tired again, heavy. His headache had gone away, but it was replaced with a dull sense of weightlessness, like he could just float away. 

Billy grabbed their empty plates and threw them in the sink. Steve sat at the table, watching Billy methodically place the leftovers into old plastic containers, then the fridge. He swallowed thickly as he noticed Billy grabbing a full bottle of whisky from the corner of the counter. Steve hadn't noticed it before, as it was close to the fridge, hidden by the shadows cast by the kitchen cabinets. 

"So...dinner down. I know I promised a blanket fort, but I am too damn tired to build one. But I think I can make it up to you. You pick the movie?"

Steve smiled and stood up, meeting Billy halfway between the living area and the kitchen. "That sounds great." 

* * *

A half hour later found the two of them lying in Billy's bed, Billy's head in Steve's lap, Steve propped up by several pillows. Billy had moved his desk closer to the edge of the bed so they could see his small computer screen. Steve had taken a while to decide what to pick, but thankfully Billy didn't tease him as he hummed and hawed over the possibilities. 

"I think we should watch _The Apartment_ , it's on Netflix." He finally had said. 

"Ok. I trust your judgement." Billy pulled the movie up, returning to get himself settled once again. 

The film had always been one of Steve's favorite love stories; and Shirley McClain had always been gorgeous. But as they settled into the bed, Steve realized it may not be the best choice, considering Billy's circumstance. 

"Um...so maybe we should just pick another movie." Steve said, moving to push Billy off his lap to head to the computer. 

But Billy was stronger than Steve and held him down, shifting so he was facing Steve now, head still buried in his lap. 

"Why? You said you like this one, right? I promise you Harrington, I'm not going to make fun of you." 

"I know that...it's just. I don't want you to be uncomfortable." 

"Why would I be? You aren't into like some really freaky stuff are ya?" Billy said, wagging his eyebrows suggestively. "Besides, it's playing now. So too late. Shut up so I don't miss anything." 

Steve rolled his eyes, moving again to try and wiggle out from under Billy. 

"Seriously Harrington? What's the deal?"

"Just...it's a great movie. But...I just think we could find one that isn't so...such a downer." 

"Do you even know me, Harrington? I listen to self-proclaimed sad bastard music; my life has been like a Greek tragedy. I'm sure it's sunshine and rainbows compared." 

"It's not too bad...just...it's just..." 

"Spit it out man." Billy said, his head now lifted off of Steve to stare at him, an annoyed expression on his face. 

"It's just...um...one of the characters tries to kill themselves. So..." Steve said it, it was out there, and he squeezed his eyes shut in fear he had pushed things too far. 

Billy let out a careful sigh, and then he was sitting up, next to Steve, shoulder's touching. 

"Gotcha..." Steve slowly opened his eyes to stare at Billy who was himself staring straight ahead. He brought a hand up to rumple his hair, rubbing the back of his neck. 

"I don't want you to think...it was a stupid choice. I wasn't thinking." 

"Hey, no." Billy said, turning to Steve now, grabbing his hand, entwining their fingers. "It's ok, really. Thanks for telling me. I'll be ok. Is what it is." 

"We really, don't have to..." 

"Seriously Steve, I'll be fine." 

Steve nodded and gripped Billy's hand. They focused back on the film for a few minutes before Billy let out an exasperated sigh, jumping up to pause the movie. He settled himself into his desk chair before speaking. 

"I can feel your brain screaming, and it’s really early fine...we can talk about if if you want.”

”No! I mean...I’ll listen, of course I will, but that’s not why I chose the movie, Billy...”

”I know.” Billy said, staring at his hands as he opened and closed his distance slowly. He took a deep breathe.

“David only kissed me once. Like...really kissed me. I was always trying to get him to, more than he did. We would make out and stuff before sex, but never outside of it. Never, like...like a normal couple would. Except one time." 

Steve steadied his breathing, focusing his eyes on Billy's profile, his heart beating rapidly. He swallowed his nerves,hoping he hadn't unleashed something in Billy that he would regret. 

"It was the night before I was moving to New York, freshman year. The summer after high-school had been like, the best fucking time of my life. I knew that I loved him then...but...I was too chicken shit to ever say it. Anyway...we went to the beach, at sundown. My old man was pissed I had left the house so late, but like, I was leaving the next day so I didn't really give a shit. And David had a blanket and beer and we just hung out, watching the waves, talking about whatever, what I was going to do, what he was hoping to do. How we would always be there for each other, even if we were far away." Billy let out a shuddery breathe, bringing his knees up, foot resting on the chair, hugging them close to his chest.

"Once it got really dark, we were about to head home, but he... he grabbed my hands, made me sit in front of him. He took out his phone and he started playing this song, and told me to just... _feel_ it. He said "this will explain everything I'm not able to." And then when it was over...he kissed me. In a way he never had before. And then he fucking left me on the beach. We would talk a lot when I was in NY, but I...I didn't see him again until...and I never fucking told him how I felt." 

"What was the song?" Steve asked gently. 

Billy didn't say anything but instead leaned over to bring up a playlist on his computer. Steve recognized the song right away; it was one that his mom would often play late at night, when she was drinking wine by herself thinking no one was paying attention to her as she danced around the living room. This one was a different version, and dare Steve say, more heartbreaking. 

_Come with me_  
My love  
To the sea  
The sea of love

 _I wanna tell you_  
How much  
I love you

Steve watched as Billy closed his eyes, his shoulders slumping as if the weight of the world was finally lifted from them. He kept his eyes glued to the other boy, his heart still beating out of his chest. He wanted to reach out and touch Billy, take him into his arms. But he didn't necessarily seem upset...if anything he appeared relieved. 

Once the song finished, Billy turned to Steve and gave him a gentle smile. "Fucking asshole....ruined this song for me forever." 

"I'm sorry..." Steve said.

"Don't be. It's fine. Just...shitty I never got to tell him how I felt. Not that it matters, he didn't feel the same way, so. Probably wouldn't have been worth it. Now I just have..try to focus mostly on the good memories." 

"I think that he loved you." Steve heard himself say, somehow the thought popping into his head that such a thing would make the situation better. "At least...that song..." 

"He didn't fucking love me. If he did, why would he have just left me like that?" Billy's eyes were angry then, and Steve had no idea how to react. He was always fucking up. 

Billy jumped up and stormed over to his end table, grabbing the bottle of whisky, twisting the cap off and taking a big swig. He stood over Steve, shoulders relaxing, closing his eyes and taking in a deep breathe. 

"Let's just watch your stupid movie Harrington. Want to see what makes the 50s or whatever such a special cinematic time." 

"60s. This one was made in 1960." 

Billy laughed, and the anger quickly evaporated from his face. He moved back to the computer, playing the movie, and then settled back into the bed, resting his head on Steve's shoulder. He took another drink before offering the bottle to Steve who shrugged and took a sip. 

Billy laced their fingers once again, and focused on the screen. After a few minutes he gave Steve's hand a reassuring squeeze. 

"This is great. Thanks for letting me...vent or whatever." 

"Anytime." Steve replied, smiling at the other boy, even though, as Billy took another deep chug of the whisky, deep in his gut Steve didn't feel that things were great for Billy at all.

* * *

  


When he woke up again Steve had to check his phone to even realize what day it was; Sunday. He was happy to at least have another day with no responsibilities before he had to force himself to go to class.  

The bed next to him was empty. But before he came into full consciousness he could hear Billy shuffling around his room, mumbling curses under his breath. 

Steve slowly opened his eyes fully, yawning loud, grabbing Billy's attention. 

"Morning." Steve said, Billy's eyebrows furrowed in frustration. 

"Hey." Billy said dismissivly, clearly distracted. He was throwing what appeared to be one pile of clothes into another pile in the corner of the room, exasperatedly running his hand through his hair when whatever item of clothing he pulled up wasn't what he was apparently searching for. 

"Lose something?"

"No...um...just my Speedo. Need to wash it before tomorrow." 

"Oh. Well I can help you look..." 

"Thank Christ!" Billy exclaimed, pulling his small, red Speedo from the pile. He turned to Steve, glaring towards the edge of the bed rather than his face. 

"I..um...can I take you home? I need to go to the laundromat and I should really fucking study, I have this P-Chem test tomorrow I have no fucking clue about and..." he was rambling so fast, Steve felt the need to cut him off before he ran out of steam. 

"Yeah. I've been over here a while anyway...so..." 

"Ok..ok, cool." Billy reached over to the pile he had made in the corner and pulled out sweat pants and a shirt. He got dressed quickly, turning to Steve before the other boy could even get out of the bed. 

He stared at Steve expectantly as he jumped up and put on his jeans and shirt, the same ones he had been wearing when he came over on Friday. Steve grabbed his meds from the end table and shoved them into his back pocket. 

He started searching the room with his eyes, bouncing on his toes. "I don't know where my coat ended up." 

Billy snapped his fingers and ran down the hallway, coming back with Steve's bomber jacket in tow. 

"Thanks." Steve mumbled as he put it on. Billy was fidgety, fingering his keys, the jangle they made a sharp pierce to Steve's eardrums as he bent down to tie his shoes. He looked up to find Billy staring behind him, off into space. 

"Ready." Steve said. 

Billy just nodded and led them out of the bedroom and then out of the house. The blaring sun hit Steve so harshly he threw an arm up to shield his eyes. 

"Fuck." 

"Yeah; that'll happen when you stay inside too long. Why I prefer winter." Billy said, as if such a thing just happened to him all of the time. 

They climbed into the Camaro and Billy turned on the engine. He quickly fumbled with the radio knob until he found a station he seemed pleased with. 

The Chainsmokers were blasting over the speakers and as they began down the road, Billy turned the volume up even louder. Too loud for Steve seeing as how he had still been asleep only ten minutes ago, but he refrained from saying anything. 

_Deep in my bones I can feel you_  
Take me back to a time when we knew  
Hideaway  
We could waste the night with an old film  
Smoke a little weed on the couch in the backroom  
Hideaway  
Say you'll never let me go  
Say you'll never let me go

Billy thumped his hands on the steering wheel along to the beat, but kept silent otherwise the entiriety of their drive. Once they pulled into the parking lot at Steve's apartment complex, Steve suddenly found himself sick to his stomach. He didn't watn to leave Billy. His entire life for the past 36 or so hours had been consumed by him, and it felt odd to suddenly be left on his own. Steve didn't make a move once the car was in park, and while Billy still didn't say anything he did turn the radio down. 

Steve didn't want to just get out of the car, but he also didn't want to be the first to make a move. But after a few more quiet moments the tension became too heavy to breathe and he resigned himself to the fact that Billy wanted him gone. 

He was halfway out the passenger door when Billy grabbed Steve by the hem of his coat, pulling him back into the car. Before he could even register what was happening he was sitting in Billy's lap, with the blonde's hands on his waist. 

Billy crashed his lips into Steve and their teeth clanked before Steve could properly get his bearings. But he soon fell into the kiss with ease, opening his mouth wider to let Bily's tongue in. They made out until Steve's neck began to ache, and he pulled back, panting heavy. 

"I'll text you, yeah?" Billy said. 

Steve nodded, too dizzy to use his words. He pulled away from Billy reluctantly and then he was standing on the pavement and the Camaro was already roaring down the street. 

Robin wasn't home, which Steve was grateful for. He didn't feel like having to explain himself. Not that he even had to, she wasn't his mother. 

He took a shower, focusing on the warm droplets falling on his face, the brightening scent of his shampoo. He was surprised to find his mind pretty blank otherwise. For not leaving Billy's apartment all weekend he found himself awfully exhausted. He fell onto his bed, and the next thing he knew his alarm was going off waking him up to a new week. 

He shut it off, and immediately opened his text messages, heart falling into his gut when he realized Billy hadn't reached out to him at all. He tried to ignore the voice echoing in his brain, 

_"why would he? It's all just bullshit..."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs: 
> 
> There is a Light and it Nevers Goes Out: The Smiths
> 
> Sea of Love: Cat Power 
> 
> Roses: The Chainsmokers 
> 
> Thinking of making a playlist for this fic; let me know if you’d like a link!


	11. Bill is Skeptical

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “He asked me not to tell you.”
> 
> “Why?”
> 
> “Because. And I don’t break promises.”
> 
> “Look, I get that. But...he seemed pretty upset. And I care about him...I just...want to help.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter may be borderline explicit; I don’t know. 
> 
> Trigger Warnings: Brief discussion of suicide

Monday morning classes always sucked. But this day was particularly challenging. Steve had only missed three days of math, but he felt worlds behind. Dustin had given him a dirty look, but the kid had saved Steve a seat, so that was something. 

As soon as the lecture was over Steve bolted for the doors, only to have Dustin yank him by the backpack. 

“Alright dude. I’m assuming you’re done sulking?”

“I wasn’t sulking Dustin.”

“Well whatever. Max says her brother’s been MIA all weekend, he was supposed to take us to the mall to get a new video game. I told the party you could instead, tonight.”

“How would I do that Einstein? I don’t have a car.”

“No, but you have bus fare, right?”

“Are you really asking me to pay for all you dweebs to go to the mall?”

“Yes.”

“What do I get out of it?”

“The pleasure of our company.” Dustin grinned, doing that strange purring noise he does just to tick Steve off.

Steve figured he should go home and study, but he felt much too restless to focus. His phone had been burning a hole in his pocket all morning, his fingers itching to text Billy, but he wanted to let the other boy reach out to him first.

“Fine. But YOU’RE buying me a coffee.”

Dustin pumped his fist in the air, trailing behind Steve as he ventured down the lecture building to the first floor cafe. Steve let Dustin ramble on about another one of their epic battles from over the weekend and how he was looking forward to kicking Steve’s ass again at trivia that week, when Steve caught site of Billy from the corner of his eye.

His hair was a mess and his eyes had dark circles under them, but other than that he looked gorgeous, as always. He had on a tight leather jacket and an orange backpack, big headphones looped around his neck. He was walking pretty fast, and Steve wasn’t sure if he had even noticed him.

Billy strode past them, but just as suddenly he abruptly stopped and whipped around. He sauntered back towards the cafe counter, smirking at Steve.

“Hey there pretty boy.”

“Hey.” Steve smiled timidly.

“I have to go to class, what time are you done today?”

Steve looked at his watch as if that held his schedule. “Ummm...two.”

“Cool. Find me in the library. We’ll hang.”

Steve nodded and then Billy was gone. Steve turned to look at Dustin who had his eyebrows raised.

“Pretty boy? Seriously?”

“What?”

“We’re hanging with Billy Hargrove now?”

“You use him for rides, but _we’re_  not anything.I’m hanging out with Billy, and it’s none of your business.”

“He’s such a jerk though....and like mentally deranged. You remember what Max said, right?” 

“Yes, Dustin. And it’s a really sensitive subject. And he’s not deranged...he’s been through a lot, but he’s kind to me and sweet....” Steve could feel his cheeks blushing and he snapped his mouth shut.

Dustin’s eyes went wide suddenly. “Are you banging Billy Hargrove!”

Steve grabbed Dustin’s face, palming over his mouth as the freshman squirmed under his hand. “Shut up dork. I’m not banging Billy.”

“Yet.” Dustin muffled.

Steve rolled his eyes and let Dustin go.

“You’re still taking us to the mall right?”

Steve huffed. “Yeah, Yeah. Maybe I can convince Billy to drive.”

Dustin smiled wide, moving around Steve to place their order. He got Steve an extra large macchiato with whip cream, which gross, but it looked impressive. And thankfully, as they walked towards one of the student union areas, Dustin didn’t seem to care about Billy anymore.

* * *

 

Steve found Billy in the back of the library, shoved in one of the booth cubbies, far from most of the other kids preoccupied with their papers and books.

Billy had a stack of notebooks in front of him and a calculator. He smiled at Steve as he slid into the seat across from him.

“Hey you.” Billy said over a soft smile, turning his attention back to his notes.

Steve was suddenly hot with nerves. He wasn’t sure what Billy was expecting. So he slowly began pulling out his own notes, pretending to mimic Billy’s own studious behavior.

A half hour went by, and Steve was much too tired to really absorb anything. Billy however seemed really focused. Once the blonde slammed one of his books shut he looked up at Steve with a sly smile, before sighing heavily.

“I have practice. What are you doing tonight?”

“Supposed to take the brats to the mall.”

“Oh yeah, shit...I get done at 7. I can only fit three of them, since obviously you get dibs on shotgun”

Steve smiled. “Ok, cool. Meet at my place?”

“Sounds good” Billy stood up, sliding out of the booth. He packed up his things and then turned to Steve.

He bent down, lips hovering over Steve’s ear. “Want you to stay over tonight” he growled.

Steve shuddered under Billy’s hot breathe on his neck. He nodded furiously. “I’d like that.”

Billy stepped back, winking at Steve as he walked backwards out of the library, eyes trained on the brunette until he was force to turn a corner. Steve stayed where he was until he was sure standing up wouldn’t be so embarrassing. 

* * *

 

Steve took a nap while waiting for Dustin, Mike and Will to show up at his place. Apparently Max didn’t feel the need to be around her brother, instead choosing to, as Mike put it, “corrupt Lucas with her womanly ways.”

Robin came home shortly before 7, wearing her Frisbee team uniform, looking at Steve thoroughly unimpressed. They hadn’t really been speaking much, awkwardly moving around one another in the kitchen, Robin watching TV on her room. Steve figured it wouldn’t last, big he wasn’t going to be the first to break.

Steve was packing a bowl on the couch, the three kids staring him down, as if they would later be tested on the exactly method for smoking weed.

“Are we smoking up freshman now?” Robin asked. 

“Why not?” Steve said, finding himself too in need of pot to not smoke it in front of the kids.

“No thanks.” Will said, shyly. Steve nodded, then handed the bowl to Dustin.

He grabbed the bowl and apprehensively placed his finger over the carb, mimicking Steve’s moves.

“I’ll light it for you.” Steve said, leaning over flicking on his lighter, bringing the flame down.

“Breathe in, slowly.” Dustin took a huff in before he was spluttering around the end of the pipe, coughing, his eyes wide and red.

Robin began laughing, taking the bowl from Dustin’s limp hands, taking a hit herself.

She held it out, Mike grabbing it quickly. He expertly took a hit, sucking in and exhaling slowly, all eyes on him in disbelief.

“What?” 

“Who taught you that?” Steve asked.

“Johnathan. Unlike you, he’s cool.”

“Whatever.” Steve mumbled, snatching the bowl back. 

“Yeah and now Steve is dating Billy Hargrove. What a step up from Nancy.” Dustin said, laughing hysterically.

“I’m not dating Billy.” And as if on cue a loud knock came to the door.

Steve jumped over the back of the couch before anyone else could even react, swinging the door wide open. He gulped at the sight of the boy in front of him, willing his cheeks to keep their color in a half assed attempt to stave off the bright tinge of embarrassment.

Billy was wearing basketball shorts and a tight white t shirt, his hair still slightly wet from practice, the curls tight on top of his head. His pendant caught a ray of the setting sun, bathing his face in gold light.

“Gonna let me in Harrington, or just stand there and stare at me?” He smirked,

Steve spluttered and stood to the side, making room for Billy to step in.

The rest of the group were staring at Billy wide eyed, Mike giving him a glare that Steve recognized as one of disdain. He had been on the receiving end of that look many times.

Robin didn’t even try to hide her exasperated eye roll, standing up and muttering about how she had to change out of her uniform.

Will was fidgeting with his hands in his lap and Dustin couldn’t keep the light, high grin off his face.

Billy spoke first.

“Did you get the dorks high Harrington?”

“Yeah.” Dustin said followed by intense laughter.

“You are such an idiot man!” Mike said, slapping Dustin on the back as his laughter turned into a slight coughing fit.

Billy turned to Steve with a grin. “Didn’t know you had it in ya Harrington.”

“Steve is cool. Unlike you.” Dustin managed through more giggles, absolutely no shred of intimidation present.

Billy rolled his eyes. “Alright assholes. You know the rules, you don’t touch anything except your ass on the seats, no smoking in the car...”

“You smoke in the car .” Dustin said

“Dustin!” Steve hissed as Billy stared the curly haired boy down.

“Because it’s MY car, and I don’t even need to be dragging your ass around. So as I was saying, you know the rules. I have a test to study for, so we are only staying an hour. You aren’t at my car by then, I’m leaving you behind, got it?”

The three boys nodded. Billy clapped his hands when it appeared none of them were moving and they all shot up.

“Your boyfriend is such a jackass, Steve” Mike said as he walked past Billy and led Will and Dustin out of the door.

“He’s not my boyfriend...” Steve said quietly, his high mind realizing maybe not quiet enough. He turned slowly to gauge Billy’s reaction.

Billy was smirking and waited until the boys were out of the apartment to slowly walk towards Steve. He snaked his arms around his waist and bent down to ghost his lips over the other boy. 

“Not my boyfriend huh?”

Steve gulped loudly and Billy moved to kiss him then, but Dustin’s screeching from outside broke them apart.

“Guess we’ll continue this later?”

Steve nodded furiously in agreement, trying to focus on anything other than the creeping arousal in his pants.

* * *

 

Steve was suprised, how despite being  brash to the kids, how nice Billy could be. He let Will pick the music, and didn’t yell at them once even as all three spoke over one another, yelling and screeching the entire half hour drive to the nearest mall.

The mall itself was pretty dead; half the stores were closed, but al the boys cared about was the game store. They all but bolted from the car before Billy even had in park, and Steve yelled after them, feeling like a mother hen corralling her chicks.

“One hour!”

“Whatever!” Mike said unbothered, Dustin waving goodbye to Steve with a huge grin. Will remained his usual composed self.

“Let’s get an Orange Julius.” Billy said, launching himsel from where he was leaning against the hood of the Camaro.

“They still have those?”

“This place does. It’s like it’s frozen in time” Billy said, wiggling his fingers at Steve like he was detailing a spooky story.

The mall really was dead, hardly anyone roaming around. Granted it was a Monday night, but still.

Billy and Steve were the only ones at the juice shop, so they took their time figuring out what to order. Billy settled for a pineapple smoothie and Steve got a strawberry banana.

The moment they sat down, Billy’s foot was immediately grazing up Steve’s leg. It made his stomach burst with butteflies. 

“How was practice?”

Billy winced, swirling the straw up and down his cup.

“Alright. Can’t miss another one or I’m off the team.”

“That’s shitty.”

“Well, my own doing. It’s whatever. I don’t even know if I like it anymore.”

“Way you talk about it, seems like you do.”

“Just one more thing to worry about.”

“I guess.”

Bill abruptly changed he subject. 

“You gonna stay over with me? I don’t have class until 11.”

Steve smiled and nodded. “Sure. I have class at 9.”

“I’ll make sure you get up, maybe make you breakfast.”

“You really don’t...”

Billy glared at Steve, as if he was saying “really Harrington?”

Steve ducked his head and looked down.

“Ok. That would be nice.”

Billy began reaching over the table to grab Steve’s hand, when the shrill noise of a phone ringing pierced the air.

“Fuck.” Billy said, digging in his jacket pockets. “If it’s Max i swear to God...” Billy’s stopped quickly, face going cold the moment he looked at the screen.

“Who is it?” Steve asked.

“Um...nobody. Just ahh...give me a second.” And Billy was gone, run out of the store, and around the corner. Steve waited for what felt like forever, but was really only about twenty minutes.

When Billy returned he was stoned faced, cheeks red, eyes black. His hands were in fists at his side.

“Hey...who was that?” Steve asked, standing up from the table.

“We have to go.”

Steve looked at his watch. “The kids still have like a half hour.”

“I said we have to go.” Billy glared at Steve with an expression he had never seen before, and he knew he meant it.

“Ok.”

“Get the brats, I’ll be in the car.”

And Billy was off again. Steve took a moment to gather himself and then he ventured out to find the game store.

The kids were hovered over a sales bin, slapping one another’s hands out of the way as they rummaged through the stack of games. 

“Hey.” Steve called, none of the three bothering to look up.

“I said hey!” He yelled. Will was the first to notice. He smiled timidly.

“Hey Steve! Where’s Billy?”

“In the car. Something came up, we have to go.”

“But we haven’t even picked a game yet!” Dustin whined.

“I don’t give a shit, lets go.”

“Come on Steve, we came all the way here.”

Steve huffed and stared at the boys for a beat. “Fine. Hurry it the fuck up. If you aren’t at the cashier in five seconds buying whatever you want, we’re ditching you here.”

The boys dove their hands back in the bin, Mike ringing victorious as he pulled out a game first.

“Damn it!” Dustin yelled but the three slowly marched up to the counter, each shelling out crumpled dollar bills.

Steve was bouncing on his feet, worried about what state they would find Billy. That is if he hadn’t just decided to leave them.

When they got to the car Billy was leaning his head halfway out the window, a cigarette dangling from his hand.

“Took you long enough.” He muttered as they all climbed in the car.

“Yeah, well Mike here can’t fucking count...”

“Shut up Dustin. Yes I can..”

“I don’t give a shit!” Billy roared, turning the engine on.

He whipped around to make eye contact with each of the boys.

“Any if you make a single fucking noise, I swear to god I’ll kick your ass out on the moving pavement.”

“Billy, come on...”

He turned to face Steve then. “Don’t fucking try me Harrington.”

“Dick” Dustin mumbled under his breathe, and Billy either didn’t hear him or didn’t have the desire to kill anyone just yet because he flicked on the radio and peeled out of the parking lot.

* * *

 

Steve barely had a chance to say his good byes once they dropped the kids off on campus, Billy was already driving back into the main road.

Steve kept quiet, leaning his forehead against the window, trying not to even breathe too loud.

But he jumped up when Billy turned down a street away from his place and instead towards Steve’s apartment.

“I thought I was coming over?”

“Not tonight.”

“Why?” Steve said, trying not to sound too needy.

“Because I don’t want you to.”

“But you did earlier, I just...”

“Listen Harrington, I don’t have time for this clingy bullshit ok. I’m not your boyfriend, I don’t want you to stay over, so I’m taking you home.”

Steve tried to put together his thoughts but then they were pulling into the lot, and Billy had the car slammed into park.

Steve slowly reached for the door handle, unsure of how to leave things.

He opened the door and got halfway out, before turning to Billy.

“I’ll see you later?”

“Yeah.” Billy said dismissively and then he was backing the car out and Steve was stumbling to get his footing, slamming the door behind him.

* * *

Steve didn’t sleep at all that night. 

And he didn’t hear from Billy the entire next day.

He didn’t mention anything to Robin, despite wanting to vent to someone. He didn’t feel like hearing I told you so.

So he agreed to go to trivia, figuring Billy probably wouldn’t be in the mood. He was relieved to find that true when he entered the bar; the kids were there, settled in their usual booth, but no Billy.

Steve gestured to Robin and Hayley that he was going to say hi, and slid in next to Dustin.

“Steve! You’re alive!”

“You just saw me last night.”

“Yeah,and the demon that is Billy Hargrove looked like he wanted to skin you.”

Max remained uncharacteristicly quiet, slowly shoving popcorn from a bowl on the table into her mouth.

“He’s such a dick.” Mike said, shaking his head.

“No he’s not.” Steve said and the group, sans Max, audibly groaned.

“Really Steve?” Lucas said, eyebrows raised.

“He just...look nevermind.”

Steve turned his gaze to Max who was still staring off into space, chewing slowly.

“You hear from your brother?”

“No.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah. I’m sure.”

Steve nodded and then stood up. “Alright dorks, lets fight to the death.”

* * *

 

Halfway through the night, Steve couldn’t take it any longer. Every chance he glanced up Max was staring at him and he knew she had something to say. Whatever it was couldn’t be worse than what was in his head.

During a break between rounds, he waltzed up to the kids table and tapped Max on the shoulder. “Come with me, I’ll buy you a beer.”

“What “

“That’s not fair!”

“Why because she’s a girl?!”

The kids were all screaming at once. 

“Shut up!” Steve said, turning to Max. You coming?” 

Max slowly followed Steve to the bar and ordered a cranberry vodka, smirking at him. Steve rolled his eyes. Whatever. 

She slowly began sipping the drink, eyes everywhere but Steve.

He wasn’t going to beat around the bush, however. “What’s the deal? With Billy? Really?”

“Nothing, I told you.”

“Max, I know you want to protect your brother, but I know something is wrong. So tell me what you know. Please.”

Max finally made eye contact with a Steve, her face falling, eyes glassy. “He asked me not to tell you.”

“Why?”

“Because. And I don’t break promises.”

“Look, I get that. But...he seemed pretty upset. And I care about him...I just...want to help.”

Max sighed and Steve smiled at how easy it was to get her to flip. “Fine. But don’t throw me under the bus again, he’s still pissed about the whole thing about David. “

“I wont”

“Ok. Neil is making Billy come home for spring break.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah, oh. Told him if he doesn’t get his ass on a bus he’s coming to get him himself. Guess he learned about Billy’s grades, isn’t happy.”

“Are you going too?”

“He’ll no. My mom...it sucks but she stands up for me more than Billy.”

“Well it’s only a week right?”

“Yeah...but...that’s more than enough time.”

“For what?”

“Look, just don’t say I told you anything ok? Can I go back now?”

Steve nodded and Max ran back with her drink, cheeks shining pink as she sipped it tauntingly at the boys.

Steve ran over to his table and threw some money down.

“I’m heading out.”

“No! Why?” Hayleh whined.

“Just...have to. I’ll see you later.”

And before Robin or Miki could respond, Steve was out the door.

* * *

It took him a good twenty minutes to make it to Billy’s house. He decided this time not to knock, even if it was rude. 

Steve could hear music blaring before he even opened the door. Steve didn’t recognize the song, but the lyrics were clear.

_You know we’ve been noticing you’ve been having a lot of problems lately_

_You know maybe you should get away and maybe you should talk about it maybe you’ll feel a lot better_

_and I’m all like: oh nah it’s ok you know I’ll igure it out, just leave me alone I’ll figure it out_

_you know I’m just working on it by myself_

All of the lights in Billy’s apartment were on, even the ones above the stove. Steve walked down the hallway quietly, not tha Billy would even hear him over the music. He became suddenly afraid of what he might find.

The music got louder as Steve opened he bedroom door. Vibrating painfully in his skull. 

_And I go: Wait, what are you talking about, WE decided? MY best interests?! How do you know what MY best interest is?_

_How can you say what MY best interest is? What are you trying to say, IM crazy? When I went to YOUR schools,_

_I went to your..._   

Billy was laying on his stomach, face smooshed into the pillow, once again in nothing but his boxers. The music was so loud Steve’s head began to pound. He stepped into the room and slid back slightly after stepping on something.

The floor was littered with what looked likelarge blue capsules, narrower on one end. Steve picked one up, it wasn’t heavy. He tossed it between his hands before throwing it back on the ground.

He maneuvered his way to the computer and turned down the music, then moved to the bed, gently placing his hand along Billy’s back.

“Billy?” 

Billy startled as soon as Steve’s hand met his bare skin. He sat up and whipped around. His eyes were heavy and red. The moment he recognized Steve he flew into his arms, Steve falling onto the bed, gripping the blonde as tight as he could.

“Hey! It’s ok.” He said, realizing that Billy was quietly sobbing into his shoulder.

Steve rubbed the other boys back gently, began threading his fingers through his short curls.

“I’m sorry” Billy mumbled, pulling back just enough to touch his forehead to Steve’s.

“It’s ok. I just...Billy what is going on?”

“I...I...” Steve realized Billy wasn’t sure how to put his current state into words. Steve pulled him back into an embrace, waiting until Billy’s sob wracked body quit shaky as much.

“Billy...what, um...what is on the floor?”

“Hmm?” Billy mumbled into Steve’s shoulder.

“These...I don’t know what they are. There’s at least, there’s dozens of them.”

“120....there’s was 120.”

“What is it?”

Billy pulled back, his tear stained cheeks shining. “It’s...nitrous. Like chargers. Um...you know, nitrous oxide.”

“Like...to get high?”

Billy nodded. “Yeah to get high.”

Steve swallowed thickly; he felt in spite of what he and Billy had been sharing, he was now in uncharted territory. “To get...to get happy?”

Billy nodded again. “Happiest you’ll ever be.” He said, solemnly. “Used to do it a lot, in high school. You can buy them on fucking Amazon. So it’s...its easy enough to...do a lot.”

“This wasn’t here this weekend...did you do all of this today?”

“Goes quick.”

“Fuck.”

“High only lasts like 30 seconds. So...rapid fire.” Bill whispered again. 

Billy let go of Steve then and fell on the bed.

“I know I’m fucked up. Just...it’s just chemicals, seretonin, whatever. I can forget for a while.”

“What are you trying to forget?” Steve asked, even if he felt that he already knew the answer. 

“Psh. Everything. David. My fucking dad. How much I want you.” Billy was barely audible with his last point. 

Steve didn’t know what to say to that.

“I...I don’t think that this is healthy Billy.”

Billy groaned, pressing his palms into his eyes. “I know, ok. I know I’m fucked up, I know I’m depressed. It’s just easier this way. I’ve tried therapy before, when I was little. When my mom...when she died. Didn’t help. I’ve tried anti depressants before, at Columbia. My advisor thought I needed them, I don’t know. They just made me feel like a zombie.”

“And what does this shit make you feel like?”

Billy sighed. “Just happy.”

“There are other ways to be happy Billy...”

Billy sat up. “Like what Steve? Like having a nice family? Like doing well at sports? Like fucking someone you love? Don’t have any of that. So.”

“But you could.”

“You don’t fucking get it, ok. My old man, he owns me. He always will. I’ll never be anything but a disappointment to him. And Max, she fucking hates me. Why shouldn’t she? I barely eat, when I do it’s shit. When I cooked for you, that’s the first time in literally months I’ve even attempted a good meal. It’s usually pizza or nothing at all. I can’t sleep without downing a quart of Jack like I’m fucking Hunter S Thompson. Practice isn’t fun for me anymore, diving isn’t fun. It’s a chore. Like school is a chore. I love that stuff. But now...now I don’t. I’m stuck here at this shitty school in this shitty state, and there’s no way out. Scratch that, there is a way out I’m just too much of a fucking coward to go through with it.”

Steve lunged at Billy at that, pressing his hands to Billy’s cheeks, holding his gaze steady.

“Don’t fucking say that. Ok? Don’t ever say that.”

“What else do I have?”

“Me. You have me Billy.”

BIlly stared at Steve for a long time before his body deflated. 

“But why?” He whispered, sounding almost like a small child. 

“Because...because I care about you. I have fun with you. I’ve learned so much from you...and you make me feel...like I can do anything I want. You...you care about me. And that’s enough. Right now, that’s enough.”

Billy slid down the bed, laying his arms wide. Steve fell onto him, resting his head on Billy’s chest.

“Don’t let me hurt you, ok?” BIlly mumbled into Steve’s hair.

“You could never do that.” Steve said, hoping to God it was the truth.

* * *

 

They fell asleep just like that, Steve still in his jacket and jeans, his body weighing Billy down as if he were keeping him from running.

Steve woke pretty early, the sun just peeking through the window. He groaned, a kink in his neck from how he had lain on Billy’s chest. He rolled over so he was on his side.

He spent a while watching Billy sleep, the slow rhythmic rise and fall of his chest. As the sun kept rising, the room got brighter and Steve realized they had left the lights on. The noise the bedside lamp made as he clicked it off woke Billy from his, what Steve hoped, was a peaceful slumber.

“Hey” Steve said.

“Hey, you.” Billy said back, reaching out to pull Steve by the waist so he was flush against him, Steve couldn’t miss Billy’s hard on through the blondes loose boxers.

They stayed like that for a while, sharing the same air until it became stale. Steve lifted his head slightly to take a deep breathe before returning to lock eyes with Billy.

“You...you make me happy.” Billy said quietly.

“You make me happy too....I wish I could be enough for you.”

“You are. It’s...I’m...I just, you came at a really fucking low point.”

Steve nodded. “If it makes you feel any better, or at least less...alone...I get depressed too, I think. I stay in bed when I’m down, and if you could only know how fast my brain works. It’s favorite line is “you’re bullshit.”

“I get that.” Billy said, moving his finger under Steve’s shirt, trailing feather lite across his waist.

Billy pushed closer still to Steve, and Steve’s own pants suddenly felt too tight. He gave in and soon he and Billy were gently rocking against one another.

“Have you ever...what’s your experience with a guy?” Billy asked.

“Ummm....blow jobs mostly. I...never gone all the way.”

“Ok.”

“But...but I want to. With you.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes...what do you want?”

“I...I want you too.”

“Ok.” Steve said, like it was that simple. And then Billy’s lips were on his and he was palming Steve through his jeans.

Steve moaned at the touch, rutting againsts Billy’s hand. 

“We’ll go slow ok? I...this is more than just sex with me.” Billy whispered. 

Steve nodded in agreement. “Me too.”

“If...you tell me to stop, I’ll stop ok?”

Billy had rolled onto Steve now, who let out a shuddery breathe as he nodded in understanding.

Billy began pressing chaste kisses along Steve’s neck, as he tilted his head to give him better access. Billy made his way behind Steve’s ear down to his Adam’s apple and then his hands started to roam along Steve’s waistband.

“Um...” Steve mumbled, a little uncertain.

Billy lifted his head quickly, moving his hand off of Steve, cupping his face.

“You ok?”

“Yeah...more than ok. I just...it’s gonna hurt right?”

Billy gave Steve a reassuring smile. “A littleat first. A lot more...ahh tomorrow.”

Steve nodded. “Ok...”

“I’ll take good care of you ok? I’ve done this part before so...I’ll do my best to make it easy. I don’t want to hurt you.”

“I trust you.” Steve said quietly, leaning up to meet Billy’s mouth.

The kisses started out chaste, but Billy graved Steve’s lower lip with his tongue, until he opened his mouth wider, their tongues meeting in an effortless dance. Steve felt so hot, under Billy and still in all of his clothes. He began breathing heavier as Billy continued to kiss him deeply, one hand running through Steve’s hair, the other back trailing along Steve’s stomach.

Billy pulled back to look steve square in the eyes. “What do you need, baby?”

“Um...could stand to have my clothes off” Steve smirked.

Billy chuckled and then he was grabbing Steve’s shirt and pulling it upwards. Steve sat up slightly, still pinned down by Billy’s strong thighs, fumbling out of his T-shirt and jacket.

Billy groaned when their bare chests collided. He tried to keep his breathing even, not wanting to miss a single moment of Billy touching him, kissing him. His skin was on fire, all of his limbs and extremities tingling with nerves. Billy was shaking a little too, goosebumps popping along his skin.

“You nervous?” Billy asked gently.

“Yeah.”

“Don’t worry. I am too.” Billy huffed our a light laugh. “Fuck, I like you so much, want to show you...”

“So show me.”

Billy’s hand flew to Steve’s waist at that, unbuckling his belt, Steve lifting his hips up just enough for Billy to pull his belt from all the loops, tossing it on the floor.

Billy boxed Steve in, thigh on either side of his waist, sitting up so he was almost towering over him. He began unbuttoning Steve’s jeans, breathing heavy.

“You’re so gorgeous.” He stopped, fingers on Steve’s zipper, to bend down and kiss Steve so gently he thought he was going to melt right there. It was perfect.

Billy got Steve’s zipper down, and yanked his jeans off swiftly. Steve kicked out of them and then billy slammed back over him, brushing against one another through their boxer shorts.

They continued kissing, hands roaming, until they were both sweaty and short of breathe. Billy shot his hand out, bending down so he was half off the bed, rummaging around. Steve gave him a small smile, and finally Billy produced what he was searching for: a bottle of lube and a condom.

“So...well take it slow. I promise.”

Steve nodded. Billy hooked his fingers under Steve’s boxers, pulling them down slowly, letting the build up increase the tension.

Billy smiled, letting his fingers just barely touch Steve. Once he wrapped a full fist around him, Steve bucked his hips up and moaned.

“I want to see you, is that ok?”

Steve nodded. “Want to see you too.”

Billy grabbed the bottle of lube, coating his fingers. He gently spread Steve’s legs open wider with his knee, and brought his hand down.

“You tell me if I need to stop, ok?”

“Yeah.” Steve breathed.

Billy started out so gentle Steve wasn’t sure he was even doing anything, but then the light fire that was crackling low in his belly lit hot.

It felt odd, the stretch burning. He squirmed a little, taking deep breathes through his nose.

“You ok there babe?”

Steve could only grunt out a moan, moving his hips down urging Billy to keep going.

Billy went slow,  bending down to kiss Steve gently. 

He rested his forehead. “Can I...keep going?” 

Steve nodded, and his back arched as Billy pressed in a second finger.

“So beautiful for me.” Billy said, gaining a rythym as he fucked Steve with his fingers. 

He instinctually wrapped a fist around himself and began gently tugging, tying to find any relief.

“Feel good babe?” Billy moaned, his eyes glassy, boring into Steve.

“So...good” Steve moaned. Billy hooked his fingers and began moving in and out of Steve even faster; the same time steve swiped his thumb over himself, Billy hit some place inside him that made him see stars.

“Fuck Billy.” Steve cried out, grinding his hips down into Billy’s hand. “Do that again.”

Billy smiled and pulled his hand all the way out of Steve, slicking it up with morlube.

The stretch was even more intense this time, and Steve figured Billy had three fingers in him now. They gained a rythym, Steve fucking into his own hand as Billy continued. 

Billy brushed against that spot again and Steve cried out, biting down on his fist. It hurt, but so good.

“Are you gonna come for me baby?” Billy asked, licking his lips as he moved his gaze from Steve’s eyes down to where his own fingers were disappearing into the other boy.

Steve just nodded, closing his eyes, brain empty, focused only in the full feeling of Billy’s fingers.

Without much warning, Steve was coming, back arching high off the bed, Billy having to sit up off his heels to keep himself inside.

“Fuck babe.” Billy said, staring down at Steve with awe.

Steve stroked himself through. His entire body was shaking, his leg quaking, biting down on his lip. His mouth fell open wide but no sound came out. Billy fucked him through it, crashing his lips against Steve’s open mouth, moaning into the back of his throat.

Before he had even stopped trembling, Steve wrapped his legs around Billy’s waist and pushed him towards him with his heels.

“Want to feel you.” He muttered, pulling Billy by the back of his head into a long and desperate kiss.

“Are you sure?”

“So sure” Steve whispered.

Billy’s entire face burnt red with nerves, his fingers shaking as he leaned back and grabbed the condom. Steve watched intensely as Billy unrolled the condom on his length, lining himself up with Steve.

The blonde put an arm under Steve’s back, pulling him closer. He pressed a soft kiss to his temple.

“Thank you.”

Steve snorted through the remaining haze of pleasure.

“F’what?”

“Being you.”

Steve smiled and kissed Billy tenderly, pulling back, nodding his head and smiling in anticipation.

Billy lined himself up and then he was gently easing forward. 

Steve held his breathe, waiting for the moment when Billyand he became one, when suddenly Billy shot up, reaching over towards his end table.

“What?” Steve asked, concerned.

“Need a song.”

Steve huffed a laugh. “A song? You’re so cheesy.”

“Hey, I would of put one on before we started but I didn’t know the right one until now.”

Billy held his phone in his hand, bending forward and slowly, achingly so, pushed into Steve. The moment he did so, the song he chose started playing. Steve opened eyes he didn’t know were closed to see Billy staring at where their bodies met, mouth hanging open as if he’d just witnessed a miracle.

“Fuck, babe. You...Feel amazing.” Billy croaked, leaning his forehead in the crook of Steve’s neck. The blonde didn’t move right away, instead giving Steve time to adjust.

It definitely hurt, it was a feeling Steve obviously had never experienced before. Billy was big, that Steve knew, but feeling him this way was incredible. Steve took a few deep breathes, carding his fingers through Billy’s hair, as if to reassure him that he was fine.

“Am I hurting you?” Billy asked, pulling back enough so their noses were touching.

“No. I mean...feels different, but like...a good different, really good..you can move, I think.”

Billy nodded, letting out a primal groan as he slowly pulled out and then pushed forward again, until he was fully seated inside Steve.

The other boy was panting hard, sweat gathering at the sides of his head.

Steve grabbed Billy under the chin, bringing him to meet his eyes. Billy moved slowly picking up the pace as Steve urged him on with a tighter grip of his hips, they never broke eye contact.

Steve’s entire body felt like it was blooming needles, his heart fell into his stomach, his head was swimming with pure ecstasy. He had never felt this way during sex, certainly never with Nancy.

This, Steve thought, is love. And as he let the song Billy played score this moment, he thought maybe, just maybe, Billy felt it too.

 

 

_Bill is petrified by a suntan kiss_

_So come on mama, let’s get our act cleaned up_

_And I don’t need your attitude_

_I know it sounds rude but here goes_  

_Someday you will love someone_

_Someday you will love someone_

_Someday you will love someone_

_Bill I believe, Bill I believe_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs: 
> 
> Institutionalized- Suicidal Tendancies 
> 
> Earth to Aliens, What Do You Want-Margot and the Nuclear So and Sos


	12. Romeo and Juliet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You’re a prissy asshole, you know that...right..Harring..ton.”
> 
> “What?”
> 
> “I mean...you’re a little spoiled, right?
> 
> “Billy, what the fuck are you talking about?”
> 
> “I don’t know. Seem a little...whats the word…” Billy sighed, letting his head fall into his hands. “Entitled.” He huffed after a moment. 
> 
> “Fuck you.” Steve said, standing up so he was towering over Billy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have not forgotten this fic, or 'Blue Sky'. 
> 
> I have three chapters left with this story, so should be finished within the week. 
> 
> Season three has me sad, but motivated in terms of writing. So I have started another fic, as well. I am ridiculous. Anyway, as always, comments are appreciated :) 
> 
> This chapter is dark. Warning: heavy drug use.

Steve stayed at Billy’s apartment every day that week. He had a difficult time getting Billy to do anything other than sleep, cuddle, or fuck. 

 

He was certain it wasn’t the healthiest, but he wasn’t sure what to do exactly. Come Friday, Steve awoke with a hollow stomach, fearing what would happen next. Unsure if he should try to convince Billy to stay. Could he do that? Max had seemed pretty firm that his dad was serious about Billy coming home. But what was the worst that could happen?

 

The sun didn’t wake him that morning, as it was a cloudy and storming day. Figures. Faint music from the kitchen was what did it; filling his ears, entering his dreams before he became fully conscious. 

 

Billy wasn’t in the bed. Steve stumbled out, staying in his boxers, hoping that such a small gesture like not putting on clothes could convince Billy to crawl back into bed and never leave. 

 

Billy was lying on the floor of his ‘dining’ area; eyes closed, phone connected to his speakers which he had placed right next to his ears. The song remained soft; the increasing intensity of it a jolt to Steve’s heart at each beat. He felt sick. 

 

“Billy…” 

 

Billy snapped his eyes open as the song faded, looking at Steve upside down. “Hey babe.” 

 

“You ok?” Steve asked quietly, crawling down to all fours, making his way over to Billy. He lay opposite so his head was at the other boys feet. He gripped one gently, swaying Billy’s foot at the ankle. 

 

Billy smirked. “No.But, what are you going to do?” 

 

“What time do you have to leave?”

 

“3.” 

 

“What time is it now?”

 

Billy scoffed. “One.” 

 

“Fuck.” Steve didn’t know what to say. He knew he was being a little dramatic; Billy would go home, but he would come back after the week. Nancy and Johnathan were coming to visit, so that would help. Maybe. Robin was staying too. But Steve assumed she was probably going to be pissed that he hadn’t been home in almost a week. At least he wasn’t like, eating up her food or something. 

 

“Come back to bed with me for a bit then?” Steve said. 

 

Billy nodded. He stood up carefully, as if his knees were about to buckle out from under him. He extended a hand out to Steve who took it and let himself be pulled up so he was an arms length from the other boy. 

 

And before he could even let out the breath he had just inhaled, Billy had his hands on Steve’s face, his fingers trailing around the back of his neck, threading through his hair, pulling him into a deep, but soft kiss. Steve thought he had never been kissed like this before in his life, it was so filled with what he could only describe as love. 

 

Billy slowly walked them towards the wall and put his hand against it, to prevent Steve’s head from thudding into it. They kissed slow, savoring each move of their lips, Billy’s tongue just teasing the entrance to Steve’s mouth. He pulled back and pressed his forehead against Steve’s, breathing in deep. He lifted his eyes to meet Steve’s and sighed, as if he were about to confess to something dark and heavy. 

 

Instead Billy grabbed Steve's hands and walked him to his bed. They settled, Billy’s arms wrapping tight around Steve. They were almost asleep when a ring from Steve’s phone startled them. 

 

It was his mother. Fuck. Steve did not want to deal with this, but figured he might as well get it over with. Wasn’t like she called often. 

 

“Hey mom.” 

 

“Hey baby. How are you?” Steve rolled his eyes towards Billy with a dramatic sigh. 

 

“I’m fine.” 

 

“Good. So. I wanted to let you know we won’t be home for Spring break.” 

 

“I figured. I won’t be either.” 

 

“Oh.” Steve’s mother said, clipped and high pitched, in a tone that said she was surprised with disappointment. 

 

“Is that a problem?” Steve said, monotone, ready for this conversation to be over. He tried to focus on the feeling of Billy’s hand on his hip ,but realized that Billy had moved and was no longer touching him. 

 

“Well, you know that we like to have Anita deep clean the house around this time. We want to make sure everything is fine for our annual spring dinner.” 

 

Steve sighed again. As if the house, an its impeccable and cold state, had amassed even a speck of dust since he had left. 

 

“Well why do I have to be there for that?”

 

“Steven!” His mother exclaimed, as if he had just told her to fuck off. “You know I don’t like to leave the housekeeper in the home alone. What if she…” 

 

“Are you fucking serious mom?” Steve said, surprisingly done with her bullshit rather quickly. 

 

“Steven! You do not get to talk to me like that…” 

 

“Like what mom? How about this...you’re a judgmental, arrogant classist bitch. Sorry I won’t be home for break. In fact, maybe I won’t come home at all.” He hung up before he could even think of doing otherwise. 

 

Billy was breathing heavily next to Steve. The silence soon became too thick and claustrophobic for Steve to bear. 

 

“Sorry you had to hear that.” 

 

“Is your mom...I’m assuming she’s a bitch, huh?” Billy whispered, as if the question was going to send Steve into a tirade or something. As if that would offend him. 

 

“Understatement of the year, dude.” 

 

Billy jumped up at that, scrambling to the edge of the bed. He pulled a box out from underneath it, throwing it onto the mattress. Steve reached a hand towards the box but thought better of it before Billy settled across from him. 

 

Billy opened the box hastily and dug around for a moment before pulling out a small baggy. 

 

“What is that?” 

 

“Um...almost forgot about it. Gonna take it home with me. I’ll definitely need it.” 

 

“Molly?”

 

“No…” 

 

“Is it cocaine?”

 

“No. It’s Special K.” Billy said, his eyes distant, focused on the bag in his palm and not Steve’s glare. 

 

“Like...ketamine?”

 

“Yeah.” Billy said, dragging it out like a bag floating in the wind. 

 

“Isn’t that like a sedative…” 

 

“Horse tranquilizer. Used up all the nitrous, so...” Billy said as if that made it all ok. He turned back around to hop off the end of the bed, settling into his desk chair and pulled out the small shelf. He began pouring out the contents of the bag and then reached for his wallet. Steve snapped out of his daze once Billy began using his ID card to push the pile into thin lines. 

 

“Um…” But before Billy’s name could leave Steve’s mouth the other boy was bending over, shoving a straw up his nose. 

 

The moment he finished inhaling, his head lolled to the side, his eyes droopy and dark. He smiled lazily towards Steve, letting his head fall towards his chest. 

  
“Fu...uckkk….” Billy stuttered. 

 

Steve fell numb. He didn’t know what to do, or what to say. His mouth felt dry. He remained stuck in his spot, he wasn’t sure if his limbs would even respond to his brain should he decide to bolt. He just kept his gaze on Billy, whos head was still loose at his neck. He was still breathing at least. 

 

“Billy…” 

 

After a few moments, Billy snapped his head up. “Yeah.” He said, a little too loud, as if he had been awoken from a deep sleep. 

 

“Are you...are you ok?”

 

“Never better pretty boy.” He let his head fall again, but not before extending his hand out, offering the straw to Steve. 

 

“No way, man.” 

 

Billy huffed a laugh. “Too good for you?”

 

“What?”

 

“Too...goood for you?”

 

“No, Billy. I just...I don’t want to. I don’t know...doesn’t look fun.” 

 

Billy laughed again. “It’s not supposed to be fun, pretty boy.” 

 

Steve’s palms were sweating. His heart was in his throat. He looked at the clock. It was 1:45. Billy had to get to the bus station within the half hour. 

 

“Billy, how long does that shit last?”

 

“Whoooo cares. Are you done being a priss?” Billy attempted to stand up but kept falling back into his chair. Once he finally got his footing, he looked absolutely ridiculous trying to take a step forward. He looked like a little kid trying to skip a step on a staircase. 

 

“Dude, this shit is crazy. Why is the floor soooo long.” 

 

“Billy, come sit down.” Steve said, moving so he was no longer in the middle of the bed, hoping that would convince Billy to sit down. Billy stumbled the few feet between his desk and the bed, and opted to instead just sit down on the floor. He fell onto his back, staring at the ceiling. 

 

“Your parents...they ahhhh your mahmmmm...she uhh. She leaves you alot?” Billy stammered. Steve’s mouth agape at how quickly Billy’s speech had gone down hill. 

 

“Um...I guess. Used to it.” 

 

“Don’t seem…” Billy swallowed deeply. “Don’t seem used to it.” 

 

“What does that mean?” Steve asked, the brief thought that maybe he shouldn’t argue with someone in Billy’s state snuffed out by the anger that any discussion of his parents filled him with. 

 

“You called her...a...bitch.” 

 

“Yeah, so? She is.” 

 

“Wouldn't...wouldn’t ever call my mom that.” 

 

“Yeah, well you're mom and my mom aren’t the same.” 

 

Billy sat up quickly at that. His eyes were blown wide, dark. Steve could barely make out any of the white of his irises. Billy laughed then, stuttering out “Well, yeah. I mean my mom is dead.” 

 

Steve let his eyes fall wide at that. “Fuck...I’m sorry Billy…” 

 

“You’re a prissy asshole, you know that...right..Harring..ton.” 

 

“What?”

 

“I mean...you’re a little spoiled, right?”

 

“Billy, what the fuck are you talking about?”

 

“I don’t know. Seem a little...whats the word…” Billy sighed, letting his head fall into his hands. “Entitled.” He huffed after a moment. 

 

“Fuck you.” Steve said, standing up so he was towering over Billy. 

 

“No, I mean. Just facts, right? What do you care that your parents won’t be home? You could be so lucky...man. Fuck. My old man…” Billy fell onto his back again, laughing and pointing towards the ceiling as if to say to Steve “man, you see this shit?”

 

“Your old man, what, Billy?” 

 

Billy’s laugh deepened at that. He was hysterical. “My old man….fuck. Wish...wish he left me alone.” 

 

“You don’t know what it’s like…” 

 

Billy huffed a laugh again, rolling over holding his stomach. He kept going, laughing and laughing until tears started rolling down his face. “I don’t know...know what what is like? Being a rich fuck? You’re right. Must be so hard.” 

 

“What is your problem? I’ve spent this whole week with you...trying to help you…” 

 

“Yeah. Help me how? Because you’ve been here this whole week, and I’m still pretty…” Billy hiccuped, his eyes glazing over…”I’m still pretty fucking...brokkk..broken.” He smiled wide at that, licking his teeth. He looked like a wolf ready to pounce on Little Red Riding Hood. Steve felt that way; small, vulnerable.  _ Pretty boy.  _

 

Tears pricked at his eyes, burning out as he tried to rapidly blink them away. “Billy ...you're just fucked up…” 

 

“You’re right! I am fucked up.” Billy said, with another laugh. “I am one sick mother fucker.” 

 

“Billy, that isn’t what I meant, I meant right now…” 

 

“Hey pretty boy?” Billy asked, as if they hadn’t been having  such an intense discussion. As if he was suddenly going to tell Steve some joke or something. “You knew what you were getting into right? You wanted this, right? Just...just ...Romeo and Juliet…” Billy collapsed into laughter again. Steve didn’t know what the fuck to say to that. 

 

“Fuck this. I...I don’t want to be around you like this.” 

 

“So join in. Hasn’t stopped you before.” 

 

“Billy, no! I can’t…” Steve pressed both hands to his ears, as if that would stop the noise in his head. 

 

“Can’t what? You gonna leave?” 

 

“Billy….” 

 

Billy stood up then, wobbly, grabbing the edge of his futon to keep him steady. “Fucking leave then.” And he fell onto the bed laughing. Steve stood in place for what felt like hours. Watching as Billy rolled on the bed in hysterics. The clock read 2:15. 

 

“Billy, you have to go. Are you even packed?”

 

Billy’s laughter began to die down. He turned to stare at Steve. His eyes were red now, the tears streaming his face looking more like ones of despair than humor. 

 

“I’m fine man.” And he got up at that, as if no drug were coursing through him. He was a little unsteady, but managed to pull himself together enough to walk around his room, grabbing a duffle bag and stuffing each thing he came across. Dirty clothes, a few books, a half open bottle of whisky. 

 

He zipped up the bag and walked over confidently to his desk, picking up the straw from the floor where it had fallen when he held it out to Steve earlier, and finished the second line. 

 

Like before, Billys’ head lolled backwards. He took a few steadying breaths and then stormed past Steve towards the door. 

 

“Billy, what the fuck?” Steve called after him, all but running to catch up. 

 

Billy turned around, hand paused on the door knob. He looked small, childish. Weak, yet wired. 

 

“I think we would be better as friends, pretty boy.” And with that, he ripped open the door and slammed it behind him.    
  


Steve didn’t know how long he stood there staring at the closed door. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't mention the songs in this chapter but I imagined them as: 
> 
> Black Ocean by Urban Cone (the song Billy is playing when Steve walks in)
> 
> Romeo and Juliet by Hobo Johnson (the song Billy means when he mentions Romeo and Juliet)


End file.
